I still say fuck hair though!

One of the reasons I stopped working as a hair stylist was that I couldn't make enough money to support myself and my son. It takes time to build a clientele to support booth rental so I was stuck working crappy cheap salons with lots of walk-ins. (They pay minimum wage or commission, whichever is more. Sadly, minimum wage was almost always more.) People who go to the cheapest places rarely are willing to follow you to a nicer salon where they'll have to pay what you're actually worth so you're just kind of spinning your wheels in those places. (Plus it didn't help that I had cataracts and was losing my color vision rapidly along with my tolerance for screaming kids and women with unrealistic expectations (having Jennifer Aniston's hair won't make you look just like Jennifer Aniston, ladies; sorry!) but I digress). Basically, no one in North Carolina wanted to pay a decent price for my services and minimum wage when you have a child to support just isn't going to cut it and that was that. I kept my license up for a number of years and finally let it go because fuck hair and standing on your feet all day, I'll never do it again.

Today I visited a spa's website -- a friend (or actually the girlfriend of a friend's son) just became a licensed massage therapist and got her first real job there, which is awesome (yay Bethany!) I naturally had to peek at their hair prices though and holy fuck they are charging $70 for a basic hair cut and blow dry. 70FUCKINGDOLLARS!!! That means about a $10 to $15 tip per client (assuming people who pay $70 for a hair cut are the type of people who know to tip their stylist) plus $42 commission (assuming booth rental or the salon's cut equals about 40% of the stylist's gross take-in) -- basically $52 to $57 per haircut and style.

Holy cow.

What do secure, emotionally stable women want?

Nevermind trying to figure out what the insecure, emotionally unstable woman wants. I've been that woman before and I can tell you that you will never know because they don't even know. Just do yourself a favor and give up now.

The secure, emotionally stable woman on the other hand, knows exactly what she wants. Specifics traits that are nice to have, like the same taste in music or whatever, differ with each individual woman, but there are some basic qualities that every sound, healthy woman wants from her mate.

A few examples (in no particular order):

• The Truth. (We can handle it!)
• Respect.
• To be ourselves and be accepted just as we are.
• Accountability.
• Responsibility.
• Ability and desire to commit.
• Problem solving skills.
• To be wanted.
• To be heard.
• To be supported, emotionally. If I want to go back to school, you should be happy for me and encourage me.

I lucked out when I met my husband, Tony. He does all of this. He *is* all of this -- and so much more. What I have now is worth every bad relationship I've every had, every tear I've ever shed, and the years spent alone just trying to find myself and figure it all out. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life! :-)

If it's a link, I'm keeping it; italics means bye-bye

(cross-posted from Tumblr, edited for context)

I counted around 15 social media accounts that I have in various places, and I'm sure there are some I've forgotten about. I always feel guilty for not posting, which is ridiculous. It's not like people are waiting to see what little old me with her run on sentences (and overuse of parenthesis) who can't tell a joke to save her life is going to say next. Regardless, I felt overwhelmed by it all. I need to whittle the social networking down to a more manageable size.

So, just a few days ago, on Tumblr, I posed a question to y'all: Which of my social media accounts do you actually read. IOW, what should I keep?

Well, LOL, I was able to infer by the total and complete lack of response that you do not read my Tumblr. So it will go bye-bye. It's not the first time, but this time it will be permanent.

I'm also abandoning accounts on sites whose features and design I love the most, but for one reason or another, they aren't as appreciated by others. This happens to me a lot. If I find a food or deodorant or anything I really like, it gets discontinued for lack of interest. :( Well, these social media sites are still around and have plenty of users, just none of my friends are into them. Like, LiveJournal. I know LJ has a reputation, but it is actually pretty awesome. You can categorize your posts in groups (food, politics, etc.) and add people based on their interests so your friends only see the posts they care about. You can make certain entries private (an online diary, that (providing you don't leave your laptop open while logged on) no one but you can read), there are groups you can join (TMI Chix being my favorite. I have a bit of a zit obsession) and it's just overall superior to Tumblr. But only two or three friends have accounts there that they actually use so it would be pretty lonely. Same with Streamzoo -- way better than the other photo apps (they don't make you crop your pictures before publishing for one thing), but only six of my friends have accounts, all of which are also on IG and, like me, have given up and decided that interacting with friends is more important than using a superior application. Heello could be the next Twitter, but it probably doesn't stand a chance (though I hope I'm wrong). MySpace has improved 1,000%, but like LiveJournal, had its moment and people have moved on. Google+ I don't love, but it's not horrible. I just don't see the point of it when nobody logs on there.

Popular sites I'm abandoning: Pinterest and StumbleUpon, I just never quite got the hang of or figured out either nor have I been struck by the desire.

And so, goodbye to those accounts. I won't delete, I've written too much, but they will never be updated again and I've deleted all notifications from my phone.

I'm keeping:
Both of my blogs. this orange one that everyone has access to, and the red one that my kids will find over my dead body. I need them both. Plus, I regularly get comments there, no matter how long I go between posting. I write for myself, but it's still nice to know someone is listening.

Facebook. As much as it gets on my nerves, most of my family and friends are there and it's nice to get updates and photos. There aren't enough hours in the day to call and write everyone you want to keep up with; FB does help to stay connected. Plus, my friend Will just started a cool new music group that I'm enjoying.

Instagram. I don't post a lot there, but I enjoy seeing photos from my friends and family. 
And last but not least,Twitter. Of course.
That still seems like an awful lot, huh. That's where the people I love are though and staying connected is important to me.
Feel free to click on one of the links to add me.
Namaste P.S. For my friends who are trying to get me to join My Life and Linked In, NO!

"Chemistry is between the ears."

"Just because you don't feel an instant 'click' with someone, doesn't mean you aren't compatible. Unless the guy's a rude, obnoxious jerk, give him three dates to see how you like him."

That was the best advice anyone has ever given me. I don't know what took me so long to get it, but I'm glad I finally did because I'm the happiest I've ever been and for the first time in my life, I feel truly, honestly loved by a man. I'm talking about my new husband, Tony, of course. We've been married one month and one day today.

I did not feel an instant attraction to Tony, nor did fireworks go off when he met me. (Though he did say that he thought I was very pretty... because he knew what was good for him, probably, Ha!) But we gave each other a chance and the most wonderful thing happened: we fell in love with each other's hearts, brains, integrity, and character.

So, basically, what I'm saying is that if you're alone and you're tired of being alone, give people a chance that you aren't immediately attracted to. You know all that "spark" is is just hormones telling you that you have a good chance of producing healthy offspring with the strongest chance for survival, right? Sparks aren't love. Lust isn't love. You don't love somebody just because they fit a certain physical mold you prefer. True love can only happen with trust, with respect, with knowing that your heart is safe with this person and all of this takes time.

Kundalini yoga for the overweight and obese

There *is* a need for such a class. People who don't have perfect bodies are not typically welcomed with open arms. If you don't believe me, visit your local yoga studio and tell me how many overweight people you find. If you do find a significantly overweight person, you won't have to look too much harder to find people making rude comments about them behind their back. Can you imagine the people who need yoga the most are the most neglected and shunned? It's a travesty. So I decided, being a curvy girl myself, I would become a yoga instructor and hold classes especially for people who would probably never think in a million years they could do yoga: the overweight, obese, and even morbidly obese. I had found a yoga studio that was open to my idea, providing I can teach traditional Hatha as well as Kundalini, which I agreed to. I was on my way to becoming fully certified when my grandmother's health really began to deteriorate and my mom entered the early stages of Alzheimer's and so I never finished. (I also put my Bachelor's Degree on hold. I can't do anything about the latter until this fall, which is seven months away, but that's a different story).

I just made the decision, just now, that I am going to finish what I started. I'm going to do it. I'm going to get my certification and I'm going to head the first class in the Dayton area that caters to the overweight and obese. I'll keep y'all posted!

Namaste

Happy new year

I know I haven't been around much. I haven't blogged and haven't been reading other blogs. It's not that I haven't had time, I just haven't felt like it. To be perfectly honest, I am just feeling overwhelmed by this rollercoaster of a life.

First of all, I am getting married this Friday to Tony, a man I love with all of my heart. He's the best. He's kind, funny, smart, and caring. He can also fix things. What kinds of things? Anything and everything that can possibly need fixing. I'm a feminist, but not so much so that I don't let myself feel like a girl, if that makes sense, and nothing makes me feel more like a girl than my man fixing my car! Or the ice machine on my refrigerator, or my washing machine, or my lamp, or just whatever breaks! But that's not why I'm marrying him. I'm marrying him because I never want to live my life without him. He's the first person I want to talk to about everything. When he is happy I want to share in his joy and when he's sad I want to cheer him up. When he is sick, I want to take care of him. I can't wait to see him every day. I just can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. I am so so so happy!

I'm also very sad. My grandmother died this past November 23rd. She was on 24-hour home hospice care during her passing. Tony was with me when my mom woke me up at 4:30 in the morning to give me the news. Even though we were expecting it, I just kept hoping that she would get over the hump like she always had done and be with us just a little while longer. Yes, she annoyed the crud out of me sometimes -- and I do not feel bad or apologize for expressing that either -- but I love her with every fiber of my being. She was like a mom to me. She was the most important person in my life for as long as I can remember.

If I tried to choose my favorite memory of my grandma, it would be like going to a field of wild flowers and trying to choose the most beautiful one. I'll share the memory that just popped in to my head right now though:

When I was seven years old, the boys teased me at school that the reason my eyes are brown is because I was "full of poop." Even the boy I had a crush on (David Riggs -- I can't believe I remember his name after all these years lol) joined in. When he called me "poopy eyes," I was devastated. I sobbed the whole walk home that day. I was so sad, I walked right past the fig and orange trees and kumquat bushes that lined the neighborhood and usually provided my afternoon snack. When I got home, my grandma was there to greet me, all smiles and hugs, but I was inconsolable. She asked me what was wrong and through tears I said, "I hate my brown eyes. I wish I had blue eyes." "But grandma has brown eyes," she said. I looked at her eyes and, sure enough, they were just as dark as mine and at that moment everything was alright.

My dad had triple bypass surgery plus a stent a few months ago and so far so good. This was probably the scariest thing he, my step-mom, my sister Pamela and I have ever experienced. Ever. I couldn't go be with him because grandma's health was deteriorating and my mom is in the early stages of Alzheimer's and shouldn't be alone. I'm hoping to go visit him soon. I'm just so happy that he made it through the surgery and that he is finally doing all of the things his doctor has been telling him for years he needs to do: lose weight, lay off the booze, eat healthy, etc. etc. etc.

I found another cyst in my vagina but it turned out to be nothing. Scary, but still not as scary as almost losing my dad.

Tony's dad died from encephalitis while being treated for Alzheimer's. His immune system was just so weak and he picked up an infection during one of his numerous hospital visits. He passed less than two weeks before my grandma.

I'm just glad that Tony asked me to marry him before his dad and my grandma passed away; it made both of them so happy.

Me and my rambling. Anyway...

I just want to wish y'all a wonderful 2013 and let you know that even though I haven't been around much, you're in my heart. ♥♥♥

"I have discovered that when I feel most loved is really very simple. I find that feeling in the quiet."

My friend Carla, one of the most beautiful women (inside and out) that I know, said that in a blog post. She made me cry in a good way.

Please go read. And if you choose to follow her blog, you will not regret it. She's hilarious and insightful and honest and just REAL.

I love you, Carla! ♥

How do you receive love?

I've always found this fascinating, how differently we all view what love is and our unique needs when it comes to feeling loved by another person.

Some people actually believe that if someone wants to control and possess them, that they must really love them; this is how people end up in abusive relationships.

I used to feel most loved when I knew I was needed. I've grown wiser. I've had to learn the hard way that it is much better to have someone with you because they want to be. When lessons are finally learned, change is inevitable. I think this is true of everyone, our definition and filters evolve over the years. 

At this stage of my life, I feel most loved when I can just be myself and be accepted just as I am. Also, when I have emotional support; when someone is able to empathize with me and cut me a little slack. Allow me to be human, if you will.

This is probably -- and if you'll bear with me as I wander for a bit here -- my biggest issue with my grandmother at the moment. She is not happy with me as I am. She doesn't see me as a person with a tremendous weight on her shoulders just doing the best she can, she is constantly telling me what I am not doing that I should be doing, etc. My bedroom looks like someone turned it upside down and shook it. She complains about it constantly. 1)Is this some grand news flash to you, that I am kind of a slob when it comes to my room? Really? Because I'm 45 now and as far back as I can remember, and I'm talking age 3, I've been lousy at keeping my bedroom picked up. 2)While we're on the subject of me being 45, can I just add that I'm a bit old for you to be telling me to clean my room? Especially when this is my house, I pay all the bills, you, dear lady, are living with *me* and not the other way around. Grrr!

And my bedroom is the least of it. It's everything. I'm inadequate. I bought an extra pill minder so that her meds would always be done at least one week in advance. Now she expects me to have two weeks of meds sorted. I wash all of her clothes, I used too much or too little fabric softener. It's all a bunch of stupid stuff like this, but it gets so tiring. The bottom line is that she feels most loved when you feel guilty that you aren't doing enough for her. She likes to be catered to and fussed over. It's pretty sick, actually, but she's 87 so I've accepted that this isn't going to change. I think it's sad that she wants other people to feel inadequate... in my mind, shouldn't you want the people you love to feel good about themselves?

And I don't feel inadequate, by the way, I know I am doing all that I can. It just hurts my feelings that she wants me to feel this way. It hurts me that she doesn't accept me as I am, that she doesn't empathize with me at all and only sees my shortcomings. I don't feel loved by her. I know intellectually that she loves me, but I don't feel it. You know what I mean?

Anyway, I've just been thinking a lot lately about what love really is, what is healthy, what my needs are, what I am willing to do to love others in the way that they need to be loved, how hard it is to do, but how necessary it is, etc. etc. etc.

I am pretty sure nobody visits this blog anymore, but if by chance you find yourself here, perhaps you can take a moment to share how you experience love. What makes you feel most loved?

Current status: locked in my boyfriend's house

Before I explain, here's some backstory:

The group home I currently work for is having serious financial problems. Four times now they have been unable to make payroll on time. So, naturally, I went and found another job (start date, 4/23.) But because I can't afford for my current job to give me the boot too early, I decided to wait until this coming Monday and only give them only a one-week notice. (I know, I feel terrible, but they haven't exactly had any of our backs lately either, they are probably going to close soon, and I have a family to feed.) I did at least let them know that I couldn't fill in for third shift one night a week anymore, since that is a much more difficult position to fill. Well, as luck would have it, they found someone else right away and I didn't have to work last night. YAY!

Instead of going home after my normal shift, I decided to let my family think I was still at work and sneak over to Tony's for a whole night of peace and quiet. I know, I know, but please don't judge me; I have been under a whole lot of stress lately with my grandmother's cancer and my mom's mental health issues and Thursday is the one day that my sister takes my grandma to her radiation in the morning (I do it Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and not to mention all of her other doctor appointments and such) and I just wanted a break and plus I have my cellphone with me so it isn't like they can't get a hold of me.

Still think I'm terrible for being deceitful and wanting to run away for even one day from my responsibilities? Well, apparently the universe agrees with you because my payback is that I can't fucking leave my boyfriend's house right now.

For whatever reason, when he bought this house seventeen years ago, instead of installing new solid doors with single cylinder locks that you can turn from the inside and, you know, let yourself out of the house easily in case of a fire or other emergency, he thought it better to install double cylinder deadbolts on the windowed-doors that were currently here so some jerk couldn't break the glass and help themselves to his cache of tools and various crap (seriously, he has enough shit to supply five households. I've helped him take like ten computers and as many VCRs and DVDs to the Goodwill and there's more where that came from, but that's another story.)

I hate the double cylinder locks. First of all, they are illegal here in Ohio and I'm sure for good fucking reason. They weren't illegal when he installed them, but they are now.

Anyway, he was supposed to leave the deadbolt unlocked for me so I could leave this morning, but force of habit prevailed apparently because both doors are locked. If he has extra keys, I can't find them. I found 1,001 other keys that don't work though. And to make things extra fun, he left his cellphone on his nightstand so I can't even call him. I can't call him at work because he's a fabricator (doors) and works on location, plus I can't remember the name of the company he works for.

"Stay as looong as you want," he said as he kissed my cheeks this morning. Ahahahaha very funny, Tony!!! 

One week down, five to go

My grandmother has completed her first week of radiation treatment. She'll go for six weeks total, 5 days a week. We hope this is all she will need; we'll find out around the fifth week when they do yet another CAT scan.

Let me back up a bit. I can't remember when I blogged last or what I shared so please forgive me if I'm repeating myself, but this past November, the week before Thanksgiving, my mother and my son Kyle drove down to North Carolina to pick up my grandmother (I couldn't go because I had to work.) The doctors in North Carolina were refusing to give her an aggressive radiation therapy or do any kind of surgery to remove the giant lump in her breast citing that she was too old and wouldn't be able to handle the anesthesia for surgery anyway. That just didn't sit well with me, nor my mother or any of my siblings. It took a group effort, but we finally talked her into moving up here to Ohio to live with me and get a second opinion. Since then, she has had a lumpectomy (they were able to remove the entire lump, YAY!) and is now on a six week radiation treatment plan. She does not need chemotherapy so she will not get sick, her appetite will not be affected, and she will not lose her hair. She's happy about that last part...even at 87 years old, she wants to feel pretty.

The treatment has gone well so far, but from what I understand it's usually a breeze for the first few weeks. About three weeks in, she will begin to get very tired and her skin will become irritated and sore. She's already on a strict skincare regimen to try and keep the irritation to a minimum, but of course she is not cooperating. I get so frustrated with her sometimes, but I understand why she's being a little difficult -- who wants their granddaughter touching their boob three times a day? (Like it's a picnic for said granddaughter...) She's getting better though. I'm just so glad she agreed to come up here. Without this care, the cancer would have spread to her bones, which is very painful. The women in my family live looooooong lives. She's 87 and still has two sisters older than she! Her two sisters that have passed were 99 and 97. The only woman to die at an early age was her sister Alice who was 62 and that was only because beginning around age 18 she had a cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other from the time her feet hit the floor in the morning until she finally passed out drunk on the couch at the end of the day. If she had taken halfway decent care of herself, she would probably still be with us today. So, Alice aside, every woman in my grandmother's family has lived to be at least 95. Given her family history, my grandma could live for years. This is why it didn't make sense to me that the doctors in NC would just throw their collective arms up at my grandmother's condition and say "what's the point? She's old and has congestive heart failure anyway." The point is that even with her heart problems, my grandma would probably live another ten years with treatment -- ten relatively pain-free years at that -- but without the treatment, her cancer (which her surgeon here in Dayton says was the most aggressive in nature that she has seen in a long time) would have spread to her bones and she would have experienced an extremely painful death in less than a year.

I get all over the place when I'm talking about this. Lots of conflicting emotions going on here. I'm so happy that she is here and being treated, and yet so damn angry with the doctors in NC. I'm trying to lay that to rest and just be grateful. It's not easy though. Agreeing with and wishing for Buddhist wisdom is one thing; living it is quite another. It's so hard. I'm trying though.

My challenge right now is doing everything I can to help my grandmother through this very difficult time in her life while not losing myself or neglecting my health -- physical, emotional, mental, financial, and philosophical health all -- in the process.

This radiation is only a small part of the journey. She'll be with me for the rest of her life. It's kind of overwhelming to think of it in these terms though so for right now I'll just say one week down and five more to go. 

The house is ready for grandma

As ready as a three bedroom home for four people who each want their own bedroom can be, anyway.

It's going to be a tight fit, but we all get along pretty well so it will be fine. Grandma requires a lot of sleep so she needs her own room. I hung a curtain to turn the den into a room for Kyle, but with our opposite sleep schedules he really needs a room with a door. Instead, I think I'll leave that room closed off and designate it a quiet space for meditation, yoga, and reading so that I won't go crazy while sharing a room with my mom. Not ideal, but it will be fine until we can move.

I am going to buy a house in the spring. I have been renting since I moved to Greenville, NC back in 2008 to start school again. My plan was to wait until I completed my degree and knew for sure where I would be living permanently, or at least long term, before buying again. I am enjoying Ohio, especially living close to my sister Pamela and my precious nephew (though I miss all of my nieces back in NC terribly), but I am just not sure this is the best place for me in the long run. Career-wise, I mean. Everything-else-wise, I think where you live is what you make of it; every place has its positive and negative chi. But if I can't get a job in my new field, I'll have to move and I didn't want to be stuck with a house I can't sell.

Then I seriously looked into it and discovered that it doesn't matter. Interest rates are very low and with the great bargains, I already have the 20% down payment saved. I crunched the numbers using a five bedroom, 2 1/2 bath home that is currently for sale in my neighborhood as an example. My mortgage would be less than $400 per month! Can you believe it?! That is why it is truly no big deal if I end up having to move later.

Of course my dad has already started in: "you know, kiddo, a house is a huge responsibility." "Yes, dad, I know. I have owned two of them, remember?" "Get a cat first." "I have a cat, dad. His name is Earl. I've had him for thirteen years, remember? And before that I had a cat named Zoe for more than a decade. And before that was Howard... I've also had several dogs that were with me from puppy-hood to death of old age, but you're not interested in hearing about that."

My dad never remembers anything about my life past my wild, irresponsible, promiscuous teenage years. In his mind, I am still the seventeen year old girl who locked her keys in her car every other day and rolled my eyes every time he suggested I carry a spare key. Well, guess what, Dad? I have not one but TWO magnetic boxes with spare keys underneath my car and I haven't locked my keys in my car since.... never mind, that's not important. The important thing is that I have spares and I have pets and I have a good job and good credit and I can buy a house. :)

I am really looking forward to my grandma coming. I have missed her SO much. We've always been very close. My oldest son and mom are driving down to NC to get her this Monday so that she will be here in time for Thanksgiving. My other son and daughter are going to meet them at grandma's to help pack and see them off. I wish so much I could go, but with four people on vacation at work, I can't get the time off. At least I have Christmas to look forward to. I'm flying the kids up. It's going to be so wonderful to have everyone together again: baking cookies, playing music together, and I have this awesome gigantic molecular structure kit that is way over my head but the kids get it and seem to think is pretty cool.

Good times ahead.

A lot has happened since I last blogged here

Many of you have emailed me asking about my grandma. Thank you for that. ♥ She's doing much better than we could have ever hoped. Her breast cancer is stable. Surgery and radiation were not options for her, but fortunately she was eligible for what amounts to a miracle drug that has contained her tumor and shrunk it by about 50%. Her diabetes is stable. She is still dealing with congestive heart failure and the side-effects of her medications, but she is in good spirits and overall very happy and having a pretty good life. She was being stubborn about moving up here. Flat out refused to at one point (understand, she is very independent and doesn't want to change doctors), but she called last night and has decided that she is ready to make the move. I am looking forward to having her here. We'll have four generations under one roof: grandma, my mom, myself, and my oldest son (poor kid. lol!) I'm a little worried about the financial responsibility of caring for both my mom and grandma, but I know everything will work out.

My follow up appointment with the oncologist went well. There is still no signs of any further growths on my cervix. They got it all and no radiation was required. I am very lucky. I still have that stage one melanoma on the back of my leg, but my insurance will not pay to remove it until this coming February because it was pre-existing. Fucking assholes. My doctor is keeping a close eye on it though and it is still only on the surface. It should be fine. It is begins to advance at all, I will suck it up and pay for the surgery with savings. I am going to try and not do that though, especially since I am going to be responsible for my mom and grandma.

This past September, I had to have Zeke euthanised. He was my best buddy in the whole world and the best dog I have ever been blessed to know. He had been suffering for a long time. The medications were no longer providing relief and anything stronger would have rendered him basically catatonic. He had lost control of his bowels and his kidneys were failing. My heart is still broken. I smell his old collar almost every day. I miss him.

My cat Earl is hanging in there. His estimated age is between 17 and 19 (we'll never know for sure since he was a stray when I found him so many years ago) and has a hard time chewing his food. He's had several dental surgeries. I have to puree everything he eats. He's still super affectionate and social and doesn't act like he's uncomfortable, which is a blessing.

Critters got most of my garden again this year, with the exception of my herbs and two varieties of tomatoes. And boy did I ever get tomatoes. My local family and co-workers got tomatoes. Everybody on my block got tomatoes. I couldn't give them all away. I made and canned a ton of spaghetti sauce (marinara, vodka, and basic hot) and salsa. My mom dried grape tomatoes in the oven and they were to die for. I ate them in handfuls like chips. They were also yummy with pasta, fresh basil, spinach, garlic, and olive oil. Nom nom nom.

I have been dating a little. I've been on two dates so far. One I'll see again, the other talked about his ex the entire time (ugh.) I, once again, created a profile on an online dating site. I live in a much heavier populated area from the last place I tried this and was not prepared for the response. At one point I had 85 messages in my in-box. I feel overwhelmed and am trying to respond to everyone who contacts me, whether I am interested or not, and it's taking up a good hour and a half of each day. I hope to meet someone for a long-term relationship, someone who is open to the possibility of that and is compatible with me, but I also am not ready for anything super serious right now. I just want the possibility to be there, but to not rush. I'm pretty much over my divorce and any other men I have let in since, but I am still feeling kind of tired. Like I'm at the tail end of the stages of grief, if that makes sense? I'm in a weird place, I guess. I know what I want, but finding someone else that I like who also wants the same things will be a challenge. I'm trying to just go with the flow and not have expectations. To take the time to really get to know someone so I can recognize if we aren't compatible before I have too much of my heart invested to be able to let go. You know what I mean? It's a slippery slope.

I'm rediscovering Kundalini Yoga. How or why did I ever stop? I am also going to finish a 10K this March. My default is to eat my way through stress, and I am still eating plenty of brownies and ice cream, but at least the activity will keep me from getting even more, um, curvy, improve my health and give me something positive to focus on. I'm truly enjoying myself.

There's more, but that basically brings you up to date. What has been going on with you?