Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Where are all the old posts and why?

The answer to the first question? Archived. If you want the url, email me here or give me your email address in the comments so I can invite you.

Why? It's time for a fresh start, so says my melodramatic brain. It just feels like I need to shed the old to make room for the new. I'm about halfway through getting rid of links on the sidebar that're either broken or lead to now-defunct blogs and I will be adding some new links soon.

So much has changed since my last post.

2014 has been a good year so far. So much has changed in my life. As you know, my dear grandmother passed away November 23rd of 2012 and though it was expected it was completely unexpected if you know what I mean. I was my grandma's main caretaker, mainly because bless her she wouldn't let anyone else do anything for her. lol She was funny. I cherish every day that she was in my life, but I cherish her final year, the year that she lived with me, the most. My mother and my oldest son were also living with me, but both moved out some months ago. I always knew that Kyle would end up moving closer to the college so it didn't totally shock me when he moved out, but I was not prepared for my mother to move all the way to Texas! Yes, my mother has met, or was reunited with I should say, a wonderful man and she is spending time with him in Texas. The goal is to get married if it all works out. Who knew that when my husband Tony and I sent my mother to her 50th high school reunion this past August, she'd come home smitten. His name is Royce and my mom didn't know him very well in high school, but he is the brother of one of her dear friends Dee who she has managed to somewhat keep in touch with since they graduated in 1963. Dee made some quilt tops for my mother and wanted to hand deliver them to her but couldn't make it to the reunion so she sent them with Royce to give my mom and it was love at first sight. So now my mom is in Shallowater, TX and Tony and I have the house all to ourselves! It felt weird at first to be alone, to not have to shut the door to have sex, for Tony to be able to run around in his skivvies... it's actually nice though I still get the sadz.

The experience with my grandmother and Tony's dad has changed me. I now want to be a hospice nurse. This topic is a blog post all its own that I will write eventually.

My health could be better. I'll be having a hysterectomy soon. Basically, my uterus is full of fibroid tumors that are probably not cancerous but there's always a chance and there is definitely a cancerous growth on my ovary, but it has been caught very early, thank science. We're hoping radiation won't be necessary, but we won't know for sure until the surgery. The plan for now is to remove my baby-making factory through my old cesarean scar (the tumors are too big to remove vaginally and they don't want to cut them to make them smaller because the risk for cancer cells being present is high) and if all of the fibroids can be removed and the cancer hasn't spread at all, I will not have to do radiation. Please cross your fingers and send good energy for me that everything goes well.

I've gotten so fat. I've always been an emotional eater, but it has gotten so out of hand. Current pant size? 20. Yes that's a two in front of a zero. And what's worse, they're feeling snug and these are my old, stretched out clothes so I'm pretty sure if I were to try on new clothes, I'd have to *Gulp* go up a size. So am I going to be one of those people who blogs about their weight loss? Yes. Not in pounds though. The scale and me are not friends. A long time ago I threw my scale into a dumpster and have vowed to never weigh again save for when I'm forced to at the doctor's office. I'm going to blog about getting healthy, eating better but still enjoying chocolate, and my progress will be measured in inches and clothing sizes. Also, it isn't going to be written with an audience in mind, but rather just to track what I eat, exercise, etc. Just the facts, ma'am. I'll link to it in my profile when I'm ready.

I've thought to let go of this blog so many times, usually because I'm embarrassed of old posts; it bothered me that things I said in a moment of passion would just sit there forever, long after I've moved on. The process of archiving the old thoughts and feelings was cathartic. But ultimately, it boils down to this-- this is my first personal blog. It's special to me and this is where I want to document my journey, for whatever it's worth (this blog was closed for so long, I will be surprised to have two readers left).

If you are still with me, thank you. I love you. I hope 2014 is a fantastic year for you, that opportunities that come knocking will find you prepared, that you are as blessed and lucky as me to have wonderful friends and family (and a few shitty ones, too, to make you appreciate the good ones more), that if you want to work that you have a job that you love or can at least tolerate, that if you want to be in love that you are and madly so, that you are happy and at peace with yourself at least 50% of the time. XOXOXO



Thursday, July 4, 2013

"Would you rather I don't care at all?"

I had to fact-check a RWNJ family member this morning after she posted a full-of-shit Independence Day rant on FB (because it's "very patriotic" to say you're proud of your country but NOT your president on this July 4th, but suggested it be "grounds for treason" when people said the same thing about her beloved Dubya back in '08).

No, Em, parents are not required to keep their kids on their insurance until they are 26. You simply have the option to do so. Also, Obamacare is not forcing all pregnant women to have vaginal ultrasounds, nitwit. It is your pregnancy...you can refuse to have an ultrasound if you wish, though that would be pretty negligent on your part. It is in fact anti-choice politicians, mostly male, mostly REPUBLICAN, who have decided that women seeking an abortion are required by law to have a vaginal ultrasound (and jump through numerous other hoops) before terminating their pregnancy. And blah blah blah blah blah....she bitched about too many other untruths about the Affordable Healthcare Act for me to list.

She ended her rant with "people, read up. Don't be a sheep!"

I agree, Em. People should educate themselves. That includes you. Try reading the actual healthcare act instead of WND, Breitbart, and Drudge. Tune your TV to a variety of news outlets, not just FOX!

Her response to my corrections? "Would you rather I don't care at all?"

Yes, actually, that would be preferable. Complacent people don't perpetuate and spread untruths.

I'm not saying willful ignorance in all forms isn't damaging. It is. Just saying that I'd rather people whose allegiance is to a political party rather than facts, who don't know the difference between truth and propaganda, keep their hypocritical mouths shut.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

I still say fuck hair though!

One of the reasons I stopped working as a hair stylist was that I couldn't make enough money to support myself and my son. It takes time to build a clientele to support booth rental so I was stuck working crappy cheap salons with lots of walk-ins. (They pay minimum wage or commission, whichever is more. Sadly, minimum wage was almost always more.) People who go to the cheapest places rarely are willing to follow you to a nicer salon where they'll have to pay what you're actually worth so you're just kind of spinning your wheels in those places. (Plus it didn't help that I had cataracts and was losing my color vision rapidly along with my tolerance for screaming kids and women with unrealistic expectations (having Jennifer Aniston's hair won't make you look just like Jennifer Aniston, ladies; sorry!) but I digress). Basically, no one in North Carolina wanted to pay a decent price for my services and minimum wage when you have a child to support just isn't going to cut it and that was that. I kept my license up for a number of years and finally let it go because fuck hair and standing on your feet all day, I'll never do it again.

Today I visited a spa's website -- a friend (or actually the girlfriend of a friend's son) just became a licensed massage therapist and got her first real job there, which is awesome (yay Bethany!) I naturally had to peek at their hair prices though and holy fuck they are charging $70 for a basic hair cut and blow dry. 70FUCKINGDOLLARS!!! That means about a $10 to $15 tip per client (assuming people who pay $70 for a hair cut are the type of people who know to tip their stylist) plus $42 commission (assuming booth rental or the salon's cut equals about 40% of the stylist's gross take-in) -- basically $52 to $57 per haircut and style.

Holy cow.




Tuesday, March 19, 2013

What do secure, emotionally stable women want?

Nevermind trying to figure out what the insecure, emotionally unstable woman wants. I've been that woman before and I can tell you that you will never know because they don't even know. Just do yourself a favor and give up now.

The secure, emotionally stable woman on the other hand, knows exactly what she wants. Specifics traits that are nice to have, like the same taste in music or whatever, differ with each individual woman, but there are some basic qualities that every sound, healthy woman wants from her mate.

A few examples (in no particular order):


  • The Truth. (We can handle it!)
  • Respect.
  • To be ourselves and be accepted just as we are.
  • Accountability.
  • Responsibility.
  • Ability and desire to commit.
  • Problem solving skills.
  • To be wanted.
  • To be heard.
  • To be supported, emotionally. If I want to go back to school, you should be happy for me and encourage me.


I lucked out when I met my husband, Tony. He does all of this. He *is* all of this -- and so much more. What I have now is worth every bad relationship I've every had, every tear I've ever shed, and the years spent alone just trying to find myself and figure it all out. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life! :-)

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

"Chemistry is between the ears."

"Just because you don't feel an instant 'click' with someone, doesn't mean you aren't compatible. Unless the guy's a rude, obnoxious jerk, give him three dates to see how you like him."

That was the best advice anyone has ever given me. I don't know what took me so long to get it, but I'm glad I finally did because I'm the happiest I've ever been and for the first time in my life, I feel truly, honestly loved by a man. I'm talking about my new husband, Tony, of course. We've been married one month and one day today.

I did not feel an instant attraction to Tony, nor did fireworks go off when he met me. (Though he did say that he thought I was very pretty... because he knew what was good for him, probably, Ha!) But we gave each other a chance and the most wonderful thing happened: we fell in love with each other's hearts, brains, integrity, and character.

So, basically, what I'm saying is that if you're alone and you're tired of being alone, give people a chance that you aren't immediately attracted to. You know all that "spark" is is just hormones telling you that you have a good chance of producing healthy offspring with the strongest chance for survival, right? Sparks aren't love. Lust isn't love. You don't love somebody just because they fit a certain physical mold you prefer. True love can only happen with trust, with respect, with knowing that your heart is safe with this person and all of this takes time.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Kundalini yoga for the overweight and obese

There *is* a need for such a class. People who don't have perfect bodies are not typically welcomed with open arms. If you don't believe me, visit your local yoga studio and tell me how many overweight people you find. If you do find a significantly overweight person, you won't have to look too much harder to find people making rude comments about them behind their back. Can you imagine the people who need yoga the most are the most neglected and shunned? It's a travesty. So I decided, being a curvy girl myself, I would become a yoga instructor and hold classes especially for people who would probably never think in a million years they could do yoga: the overweight, obese, and even morbidly obese. I had found a yoga studio that was open to my idea, providing I can teach traditional Hatha as well as Kundalini, which I agreed to. I was on my way to becoming fully certified when my grandmother's health really began to deteriorate and my mom entered the early stages of Alzheimer's and so I never finished. (I also put my Bachelor's Degree on hold. I can't do anything about the latter until this fall, which is seven months away, but that's a different story).

I just made the decision, just now, that I am going to finish what I started. I'm going to do it. I'm going to get my certification and I'm going to head the first class in the Dayton area that caters to the overweight and obese. I'll keep y'all posted!

Namaste

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy new year


I know I haven't been around much. I haven't blogged and haven't been reading other blogs. It's not that I haven't had time, I just haven't felt like it. To be perfectly honest, I am just feeling overwhelmed by this rollercoaster of a life.

First of all, I am getting married this Friday to Tony, a man I love with all of my heart. He's the best. He's kind, funny, smart, and caring. He can also fix things. What kinds of things? Anything and everything that can possibly need fixing. I'm a feminist, but not so much so that I don't let myself feel like a girl, if that makes sense, and nothing makes me feel more like a girl than my man fixing my car! Or the ice machine on my refrigerator, or my washing machine, or my lamp, or just whatever breaks! But that's not why I'm marrying him. I'm marrying him because I never want to live my life without him. He's the first person I want to talk to about everything. When he is happy I want to share in his joy and when he's sad I want to cheer him up. When he is sick, I want to take care of him. I can't wait to see him every day. I just can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. I am so so so happy!

I'm also very sad. My grandmother died this past November 23rd. She was on 24-hour home hospice care during her passing. Tony was with me when my mom woke me up at 4:30 in the morning to give me the news. Even though we were expecting it, I just kept hoping that she would get over the hump like she always had done and be with us just a little while longer. Yes, she annoyed the crud out of me sometimes -- and I do not feel bad or apologize for expressing that either -- but I love her with every fiber of my being. She was like a mom to me. She was the most important person in my life for as long as I can remember.

If I tried to choose my favorite memory of my grandma, it would be like going to a field of wild flowers and trying to choose the most beautiful one. I'll share the memory that just popped in to my head right now though:

When I was seven years old, the boys teased me at school that the reason my eyes are brown is because I was "full of poop." Even the boy I had a crush on (David Riggs -- I can't believe I remember his name after all these years lol) joined in. When he called me "poopy eyes," I was devastated. I sobbed the whole walk home that day. I was so sad, I walked right past the fig and orange trees and kumquat bushes that lined the neighborhood and usually provided my afternoon snack. When I got home, my grandma was there to greet me, all smiles and hugs, but I was inconsolable. She asked me what was wrong and through tears I said, "I hate my brown eyes. I wish I had blue eyes." "But grandma has brown eyes," she said. I looked at her eyes and, sure enough, they were just as dark as mine and at that moment everything was alright.

My dad had triple bypass surgery plus a stent a few months ago and so far so good. This was probably the scariest thing he, my step-mom, my sister Pamela and I have ever experienced. Ever. I couldn't go be with him because grandma's health was deteriorating and my mom is in the early stages of Alzheimer's and shouldn't be alone. I'm hoping to go visit him soon. I'm just so happy that he made it through the surgery and that he is finally doing all of the things his doctor has been telling him for years he needs to do: lose weight, lay off the booze, eat healthy, etc. etc. etc.

I found another cyst in my vagina but it turned out to be nothing. Scary, but still not as scary as almost losing my dad.

Tony's dad died from encephalitis while being treated for Alzheimer's. His immune system was just so weak and he picked up an infection during one of his numerous hospital visits. He passed less than two weeks before my grandma.

I'm just glad that Tony asked me to marry him before his dad and my grandma passed away; it made both of them so happy.

Me and my rambling. Anyway...

I just want to wish y'all a wonderful 2013 and let you know that even though I haven't been around much, you're in my heart. ♥♥♥