not much, but it is an update

Lately I've been doing most of my writing in my private journal. The real one made of actual paper that I keep under my bed. A lot has been going on in my life, lots of family stuff that I've touched on somewhat here and other stuff too. I've been deep in thought, doing a lot of contemplating and just haven't felt like sharing it here. Partly because so many people, family and friends alike, in my offline life read here and I am feeling more private these days; partly just because I want to try to be positive here but I haven't exactly been feeling like a ray of sunshine and I am not good at putting on or pretending. Or I am pretty good at it, but just don't have it in me to bullshit anymore so I don't is more like. I tried to post yesterday but the things that were on my mind were bound to earn me emails from up to two males certain it was all about him wanting to bite my head off... and that whole scenario playing out in my head gave me a pretty bad case of writer's block. hahaha

Here's the Random Six that played yesterday while I sat here writing and erasing the same line 45678923 times:

Cory Hart - Sunglasses at Night
Kate Bush - Never Be Mine
Roxy Music - The Main Thing
Lords of the New Church - Holy War
Quarterflash - Take Me to Heart
INXS - Burn for You

All from the '80s and I didn't even have it programmed that way. Kind of weird huh. You know my first post on this blog was kind of about '80s music as I recall. It's labeled "first post" or something similar if you're interested in checking it out. I'll find the label and list it below.

I hope you had a good day, are having a good night, and have a great week!

Much love to you! xox

P.S. Grandma is doing very well. Nieces and nephew are great, Candace is doing OK, is staying with me for a bit, along with several other family members actually. My mother is driving me crazy, but what else are mothers for. Work and school are going fine. My love life is still non-existent. It doesn't help that I publicly embarrass myself one way or another daily. In typical emotional eater fashion, I ate an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's pistachio then spent the next two hours working it off. Was it worth it? Hell yes.

On compassion and anger

Jangchup Lingpa and the team at Long Live His Holiness The Dalai Lama send a weekly Dalai Lama quote to their subscribers. I find the quotes to be inspirational and many times apropos of a current struggle either I or a loved one is facing.

Today's quote struck me for some reason. I'm not sure why... but I intend to meditate on it and find out. :)

"I would like to explain the meaning of compassion which is often misunderstood. Genuine compassion is based not on our own projections and expectations, but rather on the rights of the other: irrespective of whether another person is a close friend or an enemy, as long as that person wishes for peace and happiness and wishes to overcome suffering, then on that basis we develop a genuine concern for his or her problems. This is genuine compassion. Usually when we are concerned about a close friend, we call this compassion. This is not compassion; it is attachment. Even in marriage, those marriages that last only a short time, do so because of attachment - although it is generally present - but because there is also compassion. Marriages that last only a short time do so because of a lack of compassion; there is only emotional attachment based on projection and expectation. When the only bond between close friends is attachment, then even a minor issue may cause one´s projections to change. As soon as our projections change, the attachment disappears, because that attachment was based solely on projection and expectation. It is possible to have compassion without attachment, and similarly, to have anger without hatred. Therefore we need to clarify the distinctions between compassion and attachment, and between anger and hatred. Such clarity is useful in our daily life and in our efforts toward world peace. I consider these to be basic spiritual values for the happiness of all human beings, regardless of whether one is a believer or a nonbeliever." - His Holiness the Dalai Lama

On another note, I want to thank you all for staying in touch with me while I have not been posting here very much. Though I have been pretty neglectful of my blog, I love to hear from you and always respond to emails.

I hope you are well and happy. I hope you smell some flowers today. Go to the park and swing. :)

Welcome, Abigail Margaret

Born October 8, 2009 at 12:02 PM, EST.
7 lb. 15oz., 20" long

She's so sweet I can hardly stand it!!!

Look at her feet:

This has been a very exciting week for our family in many ways. My new niece is certainly the highlight and a very welcome addition! Congratulations to my brother Brian, his beautiful wife, Becca and my niece, Destiny. You're going to be a great older sister, Des. xox

This semester has been different. I'm doing a hybrid (80% online, 20% classroom) and weekend college combination. Weekend college sounds easy but it felt like a friggin' whirlwind. The semester is divided in two, meaning classes are completed in half the time. Uh yeah. lol I start two new classes in two weeks.

I didn't work out of town this past week because between finals, Abigail being born, and other family stuff I wanted to stick close to home. I'll pay for it next week. That is good though. I like being busy. :)

I want to thank the couple of people who wrote to me asking about my sister, Candace. She is doing very well. She did go back to her abuser for one day... long story short, she and Hannah ended up back with my mother the following morning. She has sought help from law enforcement and social services, her ex will have to attend anger management and parenting classes before he is allowed even supervised visitation with Hannah again. Candace is in therapy. It's one day at a time, you know. We're just giving her a lot of love and support. She's on her way.

Hannah learned how to walk in the middle of all this. Less than 10 months old and sooo short; she looks so funny running around. hahaha And what a lovable, cuddle bug. Insists that I hold her every second that I'm with her and cries when I leave. Oh my heart. If I loved that child any more, it would burst!

I love being an aunt so much!!!

Here's the Random Six:

Redemption - Johnny Cash
Let Me Go - Heaven 17
The Cisco Kid - War
Big Country Blues - Townes Van Zandt
Mother Earth - Memphis Slim
Boy (Go) - The Golden Palominos w/Michael Stipe

Thoseghar Waterfall

My friend Bhavesh posted some gorgeous photos on his blog today. Please go have a look. The images are breathtaking. His entire blog is a joy to read really.

If you guessed the "full-fat regular", Gold Star for you!!!

My dining room table is in terrible shape. It's actually ready to fall apart so I removed the glass top and leaned it against the wall. The frame and legs can't be saved so I'll have my son take it to the dumpster when he gets home from work. I really hate throwing things away like that. If I could find another use for it, I would. Sorry, Mother Earth.

So, today I perused all of the dumpsters in my townhouse community and nearby apartment complexes to see if anybody put a table out that can be saved. That's how I got most of the furniture I already have. What I didn't find, I bought used from family and friends. I just can't see buying something new when there's all this stuff out there that will end up in a landfill. Plus it's so much fun to take something worn out and broken and tighten it up, sand it down, make it beautiful and give it a new life. Unfortunately, no luck today though. I'll check the dump tomorrow. If I can't find anything there, I'll find one on Craig's List or Backpage in need of a little TLC.

I made cheese biscuits and potato cakes with apples for brunch. They were so yummy.

I'm heading over to my neighbor's house in a few minutes for a cookout. I have my veggie dogs all ready to go. As usual, I was assigned the cheesecake. I can't take credit for its creamy scrumptiousness though; it's an easy-to-follow family recipe handed down for generations. I made two: one full-fat regular, one low-fat diet friendly. Take a wild guess which one I'll be enjoying. I also made a fruit salad. It's so cute. And super easy too. I just gutted a seedless watermelon and carved it into a basket with a handle and filled the basket with little balls of watermelon, cantaloupe, and honeydew (using a melon scoop). Then you just add whatever other fruit you have on hand. I had pineapple and bananas. Mmm. I already ate a bowl of it and it was delicious.

What a nice, relaxing day so far. The weather is gorgeous. I haven't done a single thing I didn't want to do today. I LOVE days like this!!! =)

Here's the random six.


Little Red Book - Love
In the Garden - Susan Tedeschi
Driving Wheel - Little Junior Parker
Black Water - The Doobie Brothers
About Her - Malcolm McLaren
Give My Love to Rose - Johnny Cash

Awakening Through the Chakras

I feel so good this morning! Thanks to this CD:

Music and Meditations for Balancing the Body's Energy Centers

I just have to share this with you. Give the guided meditation a try. If you aren't ready for that yet, I think you'll enjoy the music. It's very soothing and yet invigorating... it makes you feel so good!!!

Guided Meditation - Anodea Judith
Waking - Glen Valez (base/root chakra)
Cosmic Flow - Maneesh de Moor (sacral chakra)
Mirrors - Glen Valez (solar plexus chakra)
Heart Sutra - Wah! (heart chakra)
Under the Wings of Blessing - Nawang Khechog (throat chakra)
Prana - Craig Kirkland & Shaman's Dream (brow chakra)
Samadhi - Shaman's Dream (crown chakra)

Available for one week for your listening pleasure. :) Buy the CD or the CD & book set from One Spirit.

If you are interested but unfamiliar, click the links to learn more about Kundalini yoga and the Chakras at Wikipedia. Also, Kundalini Awakening: A Gentle Guide to Chakra Activation and Spiritual Growth by John Selby and Kundalini Tantra by Swami Satyananda are two of my favorite books.

Blog aversion...

I've been experiencing it lately. Averse to my own blog that is, not yours. :) I've been feeling all kinds of other things too, mainly restless and tired of not just saying how I feel or doing what I feel like doing. And I'm having trouble expressing my thoughts and feelings through the written word. I've always had trouble getting what's in my head into words, but it's been worse lately. My balance is off. My full schedule has something to do with this. I haven't been practicing yoga regularly; my chakras are all foggy and smoggy and off-kilter.

I'm making my spiritual health and getting myself back on track a priority.

My sister-in-law has not had the baby yet. She'll have her any day now. Her doctor won't induce because there is no medical reason to do so. I totally agree. Becca (sister-in-law) does not. She's young and tired of being pregnant. I can certainly relate: been there, done that. Abigail will be born soon and in the blink of an eye she'll be 21 years old just like my son. Le sigh.

My grandmother is doing well. We talk on the phone for a few minutes every night and I go visit her twice a week. Mentally, she's getting stronger every day. Physically, she still has limitations but she has learned to cope.

My son has decided that he wants to be a physics teacher! I'm so happy for him!!! He loves animals and did want to be a veterinarian for some time, but his love of physics has been apparent since he was four years old and he loves to teach. It makes perfect sense. Whatever he does, I'm proud of him. He's a good person.

Not much else to talk about really. School is going well, work is...well, work, Zeke is losing weight (still can't believe I had to put my dog on a weight loss plan) and Earl is just as lazy as ever.

I made the most delicious banana nut bread over the weekend. Sorry for not posting the six on Sunday. I'll do it this weekend. If I'm still feeling blah, I'll post an excerpt from Thich Nhat Hanh's You are Here. It's a wonderful book that I'm re-reading.

Hope y'all are having a great week. I'm thinking of you often. Love you all a bunch! xoxoxo

Congratulations, Tricia!!!

One of my favorite bloggers ever is celebrating her 150 followers by giving a load of stuff to one lucky winner. So, pay Tricia a visit at Fight Fat Phobia and congratulate her, say hello, be her 151st follower, or enter to win. She put some pretty cool stuff together; well, save for that nasty chewing gum, which you probably like anyway...

But maybe the point is that preaching to scary music shouldn't be effective?

My son and I had to go shopping today. He needed a new blanket. Also, my big-ass coffeemaker was on its last leg. You would not believe the horrible sounds it was making... downright scary and sooo loud. I could hear it brewing from outside my house. With my door and window closed! I know I've already talked about my shopping aversion so I won't drag that part out, but at least I had a list with me and we were in and out of the store within thirty minutes with a nice fluffy blanket, a smaller, much quieter coffee maker, and two gift cards for new babies.

Then we watched Bill Maher's documentary Religulous. You know I was right with him (Maher) up until the last five minutes. The "wrap up", if you will... talk about over the top! He made his purpose clear in the first five minutes -- he wants people to think... to be humble enough to have doubt. Nothing wrong with that. Being 100% certain that you are right and everybody else is wrong is a foolish -- not to mention very dangerous -- thing. And I think up until whatever the fuck that ridiculousness was at the end, he may have succeeded in reaching a few. You'd have to see it for yourself to know what I'm talking about. The best comparison I can make is this: Have you ever gotten one of those forwarded emails with a "moral message" that you usually delete, but decide to read this one time and find yourself pleasantly surprised and entertained by the content are feeling pretty good about the lesson contained within -- until the person who sends you the email has to add their condescending two cents at the end and really drive it home, spelling everything out for you, because obviously you can't be trusted to be smart enough to actually get it (the message) yourself? Yeah, it was like that. And I fucking hate that. So, I still love Bill Maher, still agree with him most of the time and I'm glad I watched his doc., though I won't be adding it to my DVD collection or anything.

Shambala is playing on my iTunes right now. This song always brings back memories. I may have mentioned this here before, but if I did it was last year. We went camping a lot when I was growing up, usually near some body of water be it the beach or a lake. One of my dad's favorite things to do was, after starting a fire for our daily catch and s'mores, blare music and insist on group sing-a-longs. This is the end of the day mind you, by which time, between the wine and the beer (and the occasional, clandestine bong hit), he was pretty pickled. Three Dog Night was a favorite and this song was especially effective in coaxing his inner wannabee rock star. Then he'd start twirling around with some random flower or weed between his teeth. Good times.

Random Six:

The Spinners - The Rubberband Man
The Human League - Love Action (I believe in love)
Stevie Nicks and Don Henley - Leather and Lace
R.E.M. - Strange Currencies
Three Dog Night - Shambala
Bob Marley - Natural Mystic

I forgot to mention that my sister in law still has not gone into labor. She's had contractions off and on for days. Abigail, that's the name they've chosen, will come when she's good and ready and that's one of the beauties of nature.

How was your week? Is your family as much drama as mine?

Earlier this week a friend of mine was chased by a dog in a canoe. Wait, that sounded ridiculous. He was the one in the canoe. He was rowing a canoe while being chased by a Labrador. lol I cannot stop laughing about this. There's more to the story, but I never retell stories very well. Trust me, it's funny.

And I needed a good laugh after the long week I had.

It all started out good... Zeke's vet visit went well; he lost five more pounds, only nine more to go. That same day, I got a promotion at work that allows me to pretty much work whatever hours I want to so long as I do my job. Yay! But I still don't get paid enough, so I worked my butt off on Monday and Tuesday then went to Fayetteville to work a second job for the rest of the week -- a two+ hour drive each way. Well the day that I left, all kinds of family shit went down.

My pregnant sister-in-law started having contractions -- three weeks early (she's still hanging on, probably won't make it past Tuesday though.)

My youngest sister, Candace, left her abusive boyfriend for the sixth -- and we hope the FINAL time. This time he attempted to hurt my nine-month-old niece. We're all just sick about it. Thankfully Hannah was unharmed; Candace didn't fair as well, many bruises and a dislocated shoulder, but she will be fine. She's staying with my mom and grandma until she can get her own place. I went and visited her today. We went out to lunch, then she wanted to go shopping. In case my love for her was ever in doubt; I shopped. Those who know me know that I hate shopping with a fiery passion, but my sister-love overrides the shop-hate.

My brother Kevin broke up with his girlfriend apparently -- he didn't tell anybody, but I know because of her hilariously passive-aggressive and ultra-classy (sarcasm) Facebook updates (what is wrong with kids these days? no sense of privacy) not to mention the ten phone calls per day to my brother on my mother's phone (or dignity for fuck's sake!) (yes, Kevin lives with my mom. no, I do not approve) (sorry Mom... just being honest) (my mom reads my blog. Hi Mom. :) I love you!) Candace's boyfriend is telephone-stalking her too... which we expected would happen. He's an abusive controlling person and he's doing what abusive, controlling people do. Not that that makes it OK in any way, it doesn't. Just saying that we knew it was going to happen. But this situation with Kevin's girlfriend is just really bizarre and from left field. Why call someone who doesn't want to talk to you? What possible gain is there?

Oh, and I forgot to mention that my sister and brother fight like cats and dogs.

So now my mother and grandmother have a house full, two adults who bicker like children, a telephone that rings off the hook with stalkers, are being eaten out of house and home, and they are stressed to the max. And this is stressing me out. I am worried.

It's late. I need to go to bed.

Random six:

Lowell Fulson - Tramp
Norah Jones - What Am I To You?
R.E.M. - So. Central Rain (I'm Sorry)
The Sir Douglas Quintet - Mendocino
B.B. King - Why I Sing the Blues
Oliver - Good Morning, Starshine

The skins were extra crispy and buttery delicious

Potatoes are so good. I eat them at least three times a week; I could never be one of those low-carb people. I love all varieties, but the red potato is my favorite. Yesterday I stopped at Briley's (a local family farm that has a stand within walking distance of my house) and they had a whole basket of fresh baby ones so I bought a bunch of them to go with our brunch today. They were soooooo yummy. First, I boiled them whole for 21 minutes, then quartered and fried them in just a little bit of olive oil and butter (real butter. count me out of the low-fat crowd too) over medium-high heat, skin side down for 6 minutes, then flipping for the next 6 minutes until they were golden all over then seasoned them with sea salt, crushed red pepper and fresh flat-leaf parsley. Ohhh they were good. I also made a veggie omelet, cinnamon rolls and sliced up some fresh peaches. My son and I both ate too much.

I have the whole day to myself and I am enjoying it. I had yesterday to myself for the most part as well, but I did have a morning meeting, then had housework to do. And since there was a game going on, I also took a walk down 14th to sell the twentysomeodd purple and gold bandanas I had left to enthusiastic Pirate fans. I tied one around Zeke's neck and they sold out in like 10 minutes. No, I did not get a permit. I believe in breaking laws that are stupid.

I know, bad, bad, bad girl.

Random Six (available for one week)

Electric Light Orchestra - Do Ya
Joe Cocker - Feelin' Alright
Crash Test Dummies - Swimming in your Ocean
Lone Justice - Shelter
Fleetwood Mac - Tusk
The Smiths - Sweet and Tender Hooligan

I'm just getting this in under the wire. Yay!

I am working out of town again. Things are going pretty good; I'm just tired. This bed looks really, really good right now.

I'm re-reading How to Practice: The Way to a Meaningful Life by H.H. The Dalai Lama (Translated and edited by Jeffery Hopkins, Ph.D.) and it's just blowing my mind. In Part II (Practicing Morality), Chapter 5 (Extending Help), he writes:

Put others first; you yourself come next. This works even from a selfish viewpoint. Let me explain how this is possible. You want happiness and do not want suffering, and if you show other people kindness, love, and respect, they will respond in kind; this way your happiness will increase. If you show other people anger and hatred, they will show you the same, and you will lose your own happiness. So I say, if you are selfish, you should be wisely selfish. Ordinary selfishness focuses only on your own needs, but if you are wisely selfish, you will treat others just as well as you treat those close to you. Ultimately, this strategy will produce more satisfaction, more happiness. So, even from a selfish viewpoint, you get better results by respecting others, serving others, and reducing self-centeredness.

I love his perspective. This is not the best excerpt I've read today, but this was the first page I flipped to so I figured this must be the right one. Honestly, I do need to work on this. Just today I was upset with my brother and I lashed out at him, just because that is what I selfishly felt like doing in that moment. It accomplished nothing of course. I imagine I'd be feeling much better about the situation if I had just been kinder.

Something to think about for sure.

Random six:

Bryan Ferry - Slave to Love
Surprise - Synchronicity
Junior Wells - Come On in This House
Van Morrison - I Believe to My Soul
The Pretenders - Message of Love
Willie Dixon with Memphis Slim - Sittin' and Cryin' the Blues