Lots of updates...

Too many to mention them all, so I'll just talk about what's going on right now:

I'm getting ready to go visit my sister in Dayton, OH for a few days. It's going to be a whirlwind of a trip. I have a job interview there on Monday. Warm thoughts and positive energy would be most appreciated. :) I'm actually moving there in less than two months and am very excited. I've wanted to leave NC for a long time now, which is why I was open to falling in love with someone who lived in another state before. Well, this move is going to change that, obviously. Love did not work out for me, and may not ever, so I just have to move on with my life and find my own happiness. If I find someone in Dayton, that would be nice. If not, I am going to be happy anyway. I'm looking forward to this next chapter in my life.

My son is awesome, as always. He's getting ready to start school in the fall. I think it's a good thing he waited because now he is committed to the process and knows what he wants to do. And what he wants to do is teach physics. Good for him. I couldn't be more proud.

My grandmother has felt stronger this week, which always makes me happy. It's still up and down, but with congestive heart failure so that's just how it's going to be. Overall she is doing great! :) My son and I went and visited with her today. We cleaned her house and made her bed then we all had dinner together. Shortly after, she got tired so we hugged her goodbye and came on home.

My mom is visiting a high school friend in California, indefinitely it appears, and that is fine by me. She and two of my younger siblings moved in with me for what was supposed to be a few days and turned into a few months not long ago. Oy. Too long of a story, plus I finally got to the point where I can laugh about all of it -- well everything except the part where my mom broke my clothes dryer and used my nice fluffy washcloths to clean Earl's cat box even though I keep plenty of cleaning rags within hands reach, but I digress -- and I don't want to rehash everything and get all pouty again. Suffice it to say, I am not unhappy with my mother's current living arrangements, though I do miss her very much.

Back to the love thing and the end of what I was certain was going to be a long-term relationship... I wish I could tell you what happened but I honestly don't know for sure. It's all about Michael's emotions and it happened so fast and with so little explanation. There wasn't an argument or anything like that. Michael invited me to Chicago to spend my birthday with him and then broke up with me while I was there. He felt "overwhelmed" and promised that he did not plan to break my heart like that. Really? Because I tend to think long and hard before crushing somebody I care about who I know loves me. Compassion and impulse control are two biggies for me, something that was lacking here. Ugh. I see now that I could have avoided the heartbreak if I had just followed my usual rule of never dating a man going through a divorce. But I believed everything he said to me and it had, after all, been more than a year since his wife first told him she wanted to end the marriage. Apparently she went back and forth on this a few times and was also unfaithful. That and the fact that they had already hired attorneys and the divorce was in motion, and the fact that he told me there was no going back for him and that he had made peace with it all and was ready to move on, with ME, that he was in love with me, that he belonged to me, that I was his heart, well I, quite stupidly, felt safe. It turns out he was all along still willing to give her another chance if she would just say the word. And she did. Sigh. I'm pretty sure I was used to make her jealous, and if it hadn't of worked he wouldn't have to be alone. Once again, I was the back-up plan/back-burner girl. You'd think I would learn by now. To think I was celibate for five years waiting for the right man to share myself with. I begged him not to touch me unless it was safe for my heart. That was stupid of me. If I needed his reassurance, it wasn't time yet. I know that. Now I feel embarrassed and foolish, and in my lower moments even feel unworthy and unlovable. I'm asking the enlightenment police to please exercise restraint here... I am just being honest about my feelings. I don't stuff things down and deny them. I experience every emotion, every bit of pain, and process it. I strongly believe that transcendence has to come organically, from a place of total honesty. We have to acknowledge and embrace everything that makes us human. Anyway, I know I'm still being kind of vague and am all jumbled and rambling, but this is the best I can do. I am OK with it all and have hope in even my lowest of moments. And I have forgiven myself and him. I'm trusting that the universe is sparing me and that something greater is in store, whatever it may be. It still hurts though.

And that big chunk of babble is probably the biggest reason why I haven't blogged here. I dreaded having to rehash that and didn't feel like I could start posting again until it was dealt with. I thought I'd feel a lot better than I do right now, but the truth is that I am still hurt. I really loved Michael. But Michael is certainly not the first man I ever really loved that didn't love me back. In fact, that's pretty much the story of my life. Which would be funny if it weren't so sad.

But in spite of all the love/relationship problems, I am overall very happy. I'm looking forward to moving closer to my sister, my son is moving with me and possibly my grandmother as well. I'm healthy, have wonderful friends and family, my bills are paid, I have my sense of humor, my hands, my heart, music, Zeke and Earl... things could be much worse.

I made a commitment to finish a half marathon this spring. The first step is a 5k this August. I'm taking this seriously and am on target to be able to do it. I'm eating mostly whole foods and starting every day with a green smoothie. I feel great. I know I've lost weight too. Not sure how much, since I declared my scale to be dead to me and "a mutherfucker" before chucking it in the dumpster... which was probably not the wisest move in hindsight, but what's done is done. And that scale really was a piece of shit.

I'm dreading this week's Deadliest Catch. I'm not sure my heart will be able to take it.

The Jim Thompson fan in me really wants to go see The Killer Inside Me but I have such a weak stomach. If anybody has seen it, your two cents would be appreciated.