Integration

I love this blog and miss it very much.

I stopped blogging here for so long for several reasons, the main one being that I was somewhat afraid to completely be myself here. I even started a secret (and quite naughty) blog that some of you have found and supported, which I appreciate very much. It really bothers me to have two facets of who I am showing up in two different places though. And since this blog is a closer representation of who I truly am (the other blog is basically nothing but a bunch of whining and purging and, well, naughtiness), I would like to come back here, fully integrated, without censorship.

Most of my family (not my kids) and all of my real life friends have this blog address. Sometimes I worry that something I say will offend or hurt people. I never want to do that, but I also want to be honest. There have been times that I talked about very personal issues and was told by friends that I should push these negative thoughts out of my brain or "let it go." Well, just "letting it go" without trying to understand my thoughts and feelings and work my way through to a space of organic closure -- transcendence, if you will -- does not feel natural to me. Often when we just drop something, what we're really doing is stuffing it down. It's not gone, just simmering below the surface; without closure, it eventually boils over and we're forced to clean it up.

It is important to me to allow myself to be a human being. I want to evolve, yes, of course, but also celebrate my flaws. When we expose and own our imperfections, that is when we can most connect and help other people, I think. I can't think of anything better than being accepted and loved for all that we are, including the not-so-good stuff, if I'm making sense.

For a long time I struggled over whether or not this blog should be place to journal and talk about myself and the things going on in my life or if I should be less self-centered and talk about Buddhism and Tantra. It has occurred to me that maybe I do not have to choose. Maybe this blog can be about an ordinary woman and human being who believes strongly in the wisdom of Buddhism and the philosophies of Tantra, but sometimes finds it difficult to put this into practice. I think many people are in this position. We are a work in progress. The important thing is that we keep trying, right.

PBS produced a fascinating documentary called "The Buddha" that was both inspiring and heartbreaking for me. Even if you are not particularly interested in Buddhism, it's two hours of your life well spent. I learned so much. Some I already knew but was shown a different point of view. I can't say enough. Anyway, my favorite part came at the end when several Buddhists (practitioners, scholars, nuns and monks) each admitted to experiencing negative human emotions such as anger and frustration. The message was that being Buddhist doesn't mean you are perfect, it doesn't mean that you can't be a human being. It just means that after we allow ourselves to have our moment, we try to understand and work through and find the lesson and the opportunity for growth within. That is what I have been striving to do.

Did I ever mention the story of my nickname Tantra Flower here? A very dear Buddhist friend of mine gave me the name. When I asked him what it meant, his response was "what does it mean to you?" That was his way. He has this thing about not liking to impose his beliefs and views on others, but underneath has a deep desire to do just that, and so he plants little seeds and hopes you understand his heart. He's a beautiful person. I think about it often -- Tantra Flower -- what I always come back to is this: Tantra teaches us to live in the moment, that life is a sensual experience; when we eat an apple, we should smell it, feel the sensation of the skin breaking on our teeth, chew slowly to savor the flavor, be thankful for its nutrition and our good fortune to not be hungry, etc. Apply this technique to every aspect of our life. When I'm doing paperwork, I feel the pen on the paper and smell the ink. It isn't so bad now, is it? I'm blessed. It would be wonderful to live in this state of mind 24/7, but it is impossible for me. Tantric living is always with me and is what I strive for, though. I think about the flower. It starts as a seed, it sprouts, starts as a very tight little bud, with the proper nutrients, care and nurturing, it blooms into something beautiful and magical. It will eventually die, but can be preserved, its seeds will fall to the earth and new flowers are born. We are all blooming flowers.

Forgive that sappy aside, please. What I am getting at is that I am going to start blogging here again, I am not sure how often, but I will not be holding back. I'm going to share the bad with the good, the naughty with the nice. I'm going to talk about the importance of my spiritual beliefs and the conflicts I have between my heart and mind. Maybe you have experienced the same struggles and can appreciate it and share a few of your own in the comments. I would like that very much. Namaste