The house is ready for grandma

As ready as a three bedroom home for four people who each want their own bedroom can be, anyway.

It's going to be a tight fit, but we all get along pretty well so it will be fine. Grandma requires a lot of sleep so she needs her own room. I hung a curtain to turn the den into a room for Kyle, but with our opposite sleep schedules he really needs a room with a door. Instead, I think I'll leave that room closed off and designate it a quiet space for meditation, yoga, and reading so that I won't go crazy while sharing a room with my mom. Not ideal, but it will be fine until we can move.

I am going to buy a house in the spring. I have been renting since I moved to Greenville, NC back in 2008 to start school again. My plan was to wait until I completed my degree and knew for sure where I would be living permanently, or at least long term, before buying again. I am enjoying Ohio, especially living close to my sister Pamela and my precious nephew (though I miss all of my nieces back in NC terribly), but I am just not sure this is the best place for me in the long run. Career-wise, I mean. Everything-else-wise, I think where you live is what you make of it; every place has its positive and negative chi. But if I can't get a job in my new field, I'll have to move and I didn't want to be stuck with a house I can't sell.

Then I seriously looked into it and discovered that it doesn't matter. Interest rates are very low and with the great bargains, I already have the 20% down payment saved. I crunched the numbers using a five bedroom, 2 1/2 bath home that is currently for sale in my neighborhood as an example. My mortgage would be less than $400 per month! Can you believe it?! That is why it is truly no big deal if I end up having to move later.

Of course my dad has already started in: "you know, kiddo, a house is a huge responsibility." "Yes, dad, I know. I have owned two of them, remember?" "Get a cat first." "I have a cat, dad. His name is Earl. I've had him for thirteen years, remember? And before that I had a cat named Zoe for more than a decade. And before that was Howard... I've also had several dogs that were with me from puppy-hood to death of old age, but you're not interested in hearing about that."

My dad never remembers anything about my life past my wild, irresponsible, promiscuous teenage years. In his mind, I am still the seventeen year old girl who locked her keys in her car every other day and rolled my eyes every time he suggested I carry a spare key. Well, guess what, Dad? I have not one but TWO magnetic boxes with spare keys underneath my car and I haven't locked my keys in my car since.... never mind, that's not important. The important thing is that I have spares and I have pets and I have a good job and good credit and I can buy a house. :)

I am really looking forward to my grandma coming. I have missed her SO much. We've always been very close. My oldest son and mom are driving down to NC to get her this Monday so that she will be here in time for Thanksgiving. My other son and daughter are going to meet them at grandma's to help pack and see them off. I wish so much I could go, but with four people on vacation at work, I can't get the time off. At least I have Christmas to look forward to. I'm flying the kids up. It's going to be so wonderful to have everyone together again: baking cookies, playing music together, and I have this awesome gigantic molecular structure kit that is way over my head but the kids get it and seem to think is pretty cool.

Good times ahead.

A lot has happened since I last blogged here

Many of you have emailed me asking about my grandma. Thank you for that. ♥ She's doing much better than we could have ever hoped. Her breast cancer is stable. Surgery and radiation were not options for her, but fortunately she was eligible for what amounts to a miracle drug that has contained her tumor and shrunk it by about 50%. Her diabetes is stable. She is still dealing with congestive heart failure and the side-effects of her medications, but she is in good spirits and overall very happy and having a pretty good life. She was being stubborn about moving up here. Flat out refused to at one point (understand, she is very independent and doesn't want to change doctors), but she called last night and has decided that she is ready to make the move. I am looking forward to having her here. We'll have four generations under one roof: grandma, my mom, myself, and my oldest son (poor kid. lol!) I'm a little worried about the financial responsibility of caring for both my mom and grandma, but I know everything will work out.

My follow up appointment with the oncologist went well. There is still no signs of any further growths on my cervix. They got it all and no radiation was required. I am very lucky. I still have that stage one melanoma on the back of my leg, but my insurance will not pay to remove it until this coming February because it was pre-existing. Fucking assholes. My doctor is keeping a close eye on it though and it is still only on the surface. It should be fine. It is begins to advance at all, I will suck it up and pay for the surgery with savings. I am going to try and not do that though, especially since I am going to be responsible for my mom and grandma.

This past September, I had to have Zeke euthanised. He was my best buddy in the whole world and the best dog I have ever been blessed to know. He had been suffering for a long time. The medications were no longer providing relief and anything stronger would have rendered him basically catatonic. He had lost control of his bowels and his kidneys were failing. My heart is still broken. I smell his old collar almost every day. I miss him.

My cat Earl is hanging in there. His estimated age is between 17 and 19 (we'll never know for sure since he was a stray when I found him so many years ago) and has a hard time chewing his food. He's had several dental surgeries. I have to puree everything he eats. He's still super affectionate and social and doesn't act like he's uncomfortable, which is a blessing.

Critters got most of my garden again this year, with the exception of my herbs and two varieties of tomatoes. And boy did I ever get tomatoes. My local family and co-workers got tomatoes. Everybody on my block got tomatoes. I couldn't give them all away. I made and canned a ton of spaghetti sauce (marinara, vodka, and basic hot) and salsa. My mom dried grape tomatoes in the oven and they were to die for. I ate them in handfuls like chips. They were also yummy with pasta, fresh basil, spinach, garlic, and olive oil. Nom nom nom.

I have been dating a little. I've been on two dates so far. One I'll see again, the other talked about his ex the entire time (ugh.) I, once again, created a profile on an online dating site. I live in a much heavier populated area from the last place I tried this and was not prepared for the response. At one point I had 85 messages in my in-box. I feel overwhelmed and am trying to respond to everyone who contacts me, whether I am interested or not, and it's taking up a good hour and a half of each day. I hope to meet someone for a long-term relationship, someone who is open to the possibility of that and is compatible with me, but I also am not ready for anything super serious right now. I just want the possibility to be there, but to not rush. I'm pretty much over my divorce and any other men I have let in since, but I am still feeling kind of tired. Like I'm at the tail end of the stages of grief, if that makes sense? I'm in a weird place, I guess. I know what I want, but finding someone else that I like who also wants the same things will be a challenge. I'm trying to just go with the flow and not have expectations. To take the time to really get to know someone so I can recognize if we aren't compatible before I have too much of my heart invested to be able to let go. You know what I mean? It's a slippery slope.

I'm rediscovering Kundalini Yoga. How or why did I ever stop? I am also going to finish a 10K this March. My default is to eat my way through stress, and I am still eating plenty of brownies and ice cream, but at least the activity will keep me from getting even more, um, curvy, improve my health and give me something positive to focus on. I'm truly enjoying myself.

There's more, but that basically brings you up to date. What has been going on with you?

Integration

I love this blog and miss it very much.

I stopped blogging here for so long for several reasons, the main one being that I was somewhat afraid to completely be myself here. I even started a secret (and quite naughty) blog that some of you have found and supported, which I appreciate very much. It really bothers me to have two facets of who I am showing up in two different places though. And since this blog is a closer representation of who I truly am (the other blog is basically nothing but a bunch of whining and purging and, well, naughtiness), I would like to come back here, fully integrated, without censorship.

Most of my family (not my kids) and all of my real life friends have this blog address. Sometimes I worry that something I say will offend or hurt people. I never want to do that, but I also want to be honest. There have been times that I talked about very personal issues and was told by friends that I should push these negative thoughts out of my brain or "let it go." Well, just "letting it go" without trying to understand my thoughts and feelings and work my way through to a space of organic closure -- transcendence, if you will -- does not feel natural to me. Often when we just drop something, what we're really doing is stuffing it down. It's not gone, just simmering below the surface; without closure, it eventually boils over and we're forced to clean it up.

It is important to me to allow myself to be a human being. I want to evolve, yes, of course, but also celebrate my flaws. When we expose and own our imperfections, that is when we can most connect and help other people, I think. I can't think of anything better than being accepted and loved for all that we are, including the not-so-good stuff, if I'm making sense.

For a long time I struggled over whether or not this blog should be place to journal and talk about myself and the things going on in my life or if I should be less self-centered and talk about Buddhism and Tantra. It has occurred to me that maybe I do not have to choose. Maybe this blog can be about an ordinary woman and human being who believes strongly in the wisdom of Buddhism and the philosophies of Tantra, but sometimes finds it difficult to put this into practice. I think many people are in this position. We are a work in progress. The important thing is that we keep trying, right.

PBS produced a fascinating documentary called "The Buddha" that was both inspiring and heartbreaking for me. Even if you are not particularly interested in Buddhism, it's two hours of your life well spent. I learned so much. Some I already knew but was shown a different point of view. I can't say enough. Anyway, my favorite part came at the end when several Buddhists (practitioners, scholars, nuns and monks) each admitted to experiencing negative human emotions such as anger and frustration. The message was that being Buddhist doesn't mean you are perfect, it doesn't mean that you can't be a human being. It just means that after we allow ourselves to have our moment, we try to understand and work through and find the lesson and the opportunity for growth within. That is what I have been striving to do.

Did I ever mention the story of my nickname Tantra Flower here? A very dear Buddhist friend of mine gave me the name. When I asked him what it meant, his response was "what does it mean to you?" That was his way. He has this thing about not liking to impose his beliefs and views on others, but underneath has a deep desire to do just that, and so he plants little seeds and hopes you understand his heart. He's a beautiful person. I think about it often -- Tantra Flower -- what I always come back to is this: Tantra teaches us to live in the moment, that life is a sensual experience; when we eat an apple, we should smell it, feel the sensation of the skin breaking on our teeth, chew slowly to savor the flavor, be thankful for its nutrition and our good fortune to not be hungry, etc. Apply this technique to every aspect of our life. When I'm doing paperwork, I feel the pen on the paper and smell the ink. It isn't so bad now, is it? I'm blessed. It would be wonderful to live in this state of mind 24/7, but it is impossible for me. Tantric living is always with me and is what I strive for, though. I think about the flower. It starts as a seed, it sprouts, starts as a very tight little bud, with the proper nutrients, care and nurturing, it blooms into something beautiful and magical. It will eventually die, but can be preserved, its seeds will fall to the earth and new flowers are born. We are all blooming flowers.

Forgive that sappy aside, please. What I am getting at is that I am going to start blogging here again, I am not sure how often, but I will not be holding back. I'm going to share the bad with the good, the naughty with the nice. I'm going to talk about the importance of my spiritual beliefs and the conflicts I have between my heart and mind. Maybe you have experienced the same struggles and can appreciate it and share a few of your own in the comments. I would like that very much. Namaste