Sunday, April 5, 2015

Internet Etiquette

Has a qualified somebody published a book (or "book") -- or better yet, an updateable blog -- on the subject yet? If not, somebody really should. Somebody other than me, obviously, because whatever I would come up with would be totally based on my personal pet peeves, experiences, insecurities, quirks, and what have you.

But if I were such a person who could write such a book/"book"/blog/whatever, the following rules of etiquette would certainly in included:

  1. It's not OK to "friend" your new beau's peeps (hehe) on Facebook until such time as: A)you've asked and received an explicit blessing from said beau, B)you've been dating a minimum of six months and you're confident your relationship will endure.
  2. If said relationship does not endure, for the love of fucking God please delete all of your beau's peeps (hehe) that you don't have a really good reason for staying friends with. (Wanting to stalk your ex is NOT a good reason, OK -- a good reason would be that beau's cousin Bob got you a job and now you work together and you and Bob get along great. You love Bob. Bob loves you. You can stay friends with Bob. Aunt Sadie that you spoke two words to at a family picnic once, however, LET HER GO. You're holding the poor woman hostage. Aunt Sadie doesn't want to be rude, but your presence on her Facebook feed is just awkward. Have you no compassion for the poor woman, you sick stalker fuck you?! Goodbye Aunt Sadie.) (See, it's like ripping off a bandage; sure it's one of the cheap, shitty bandages the hospital gives you that sticks to your arm hair, but the sting's over soon enough, right? Right!)
  3. Do you understand what I am trying to say to you, guy who dated my dear friend Ben for a few months back in 2009 and yet for some reason keeps adding me to every fucking social media site out there? Let me go!
  4. What if beau's friend or family member friends you first? Accept, of course. Just remember rule #2. And if your name starts with an M, see rule #3, just in case I'm talking about you.

To be continued...

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