Tantra Flower

The house is ready for grandma

2011-11-19T21:40:00.000-05:00

As ready as a three bedroom home for four people who each want their own bedroom can be, anyway.

It's going to be a tight fit, but we all get along pretty well so it will be fine. Grandma requires a lot of sleep so she needs her own room. I hung a curtain to turn the den into a room for Kyle, but with our opposite sleep schedules he really needs a room with a door. Instead, I think I'll leave that room closed off and designate it a quiet space for meditation, yoga, and reading so that I won't go crazy while sharing a room with my mom. Not ideal, but it will be fine until we can move.

I am going to buy a house in the spring. I have been renting since I moved to Greenville, NC back in 2008 to start school again. My plan was to wait until I completed my degree and knew for sure where I would be living permanently, or at least long term, before buying again. I am enjoying Ohio, especially living close to my sister Pamela and my precious nephew (though I miss all of my nieces back in NC terribly), but I am just not sure this is the best place for me in the long run. Career-wise, I mean. Everything-else-wise, I think where you live is what you make of it; every place has its positive and negative chi. But if I can't get a job in my new field, I'll have to move and I didn't want to be stuck with a house I can't sell.

Then I seriously looked into it and discovered that it doesn't matter. Interest rates are very low and with the great bargains, I already have the 20% down payment saved. I crunched the numbers using a five bedroom, 2 1/2 bath home that is currently for sale in my neighborhood as an example. My mortgage would be less than $400 per month! Can you believe it?! That is why it is truly no big deal if I end up having to move later.

Of course my dad has already started in: "you know, kiddo, a house is a huge responsibility." "Yes, dad, I know. I have owned two of them, remember?" "Get a cat first." "I have a cat, dad. His name is Earl. I've had him for thirteen years, remember? And before that I had a cat named Zoe for more than a decade. And before that was Howard... I've also had several dogs that were with me from puppy-hood to death of old age, but you're not interested in hearing about that."

My dad never remembers anything about my life past my wild, irresponsible, promiscuous teenage years. In his mind, I am still the seventeen year old girl who locked her keys in her car every other day and rolled my eyes every time he suggested I carry a spare key. Well, guess what, Dad? I have not one but TWO magnetic boxes with spare keys underneath my car and I haven't locked my keys in my car since.... never mind, that's not important. The important thing is that I have spares and I have pets and I have a good job and good credit and I can buy a house. :)

I am really looking forward to my grandma coming. I have missed her SO much. We've always been very close. My oldest son and mom are driving down to NC to get her this Monday so that she will be here in time for Thanksgiving. My other son and daughter are going to meet them at grandma's to help pack and see them off. I wish so much I could go, but with four people on vacation at work, I can't get the time off. At least I have Christmas to look forward to. I'm flying the kids up. It's going to be so wonderful to have everyone together again: baking cookies, playing music together, and I have this awesome gigantic molecular structure kit that is way over my head but the kids get it and seem to think is pretty cool.

Good times ahead.

A lot has happened since I last blogged here

2011-11-13T14:19:00.002-05:00

Many of you have emailed me asking about my grandma. Thank you for that. ♥ She's doing much better than we could have ever hoped. Her breast cancer is stable. Surgery and radiation were not options for her, but fortunately she was eligible for what amounts to a miracle drug that has contained her tumor and shrunk it by about 50%. Her diabetes is stable. She is still dealing with congestive heart failure and the side-effects of her medications, but she is in good spirits and overall very happy and having a pretty good life. She was being stubborn about moving up here. Flat out refused to at one point (understand, she is very independent and doesn't want to change doctors), but she called last night and has decided that she is ready to make the move. I am looking forward to having her here. We'll have four generations under one roof: grandma, my mom, myself, and my oldest son (poor kid. lol!) I'm a little worried about the financial responsibility of caring for both my mom and grandma, but I know everything will work out.

My follow up appointment with the oncologist went well. There is still no signs of any further growths on my cervix. They got it all and no radiation was required. I am very lucky. I still have that stage one melanoma on the back of my leg, but my insurance will not pay to remove it until this coming February because it was pre-existing. Fucking assholes. My doctor is keeping a close eye on it though and it is still only on the surface. It should be fine. It is begins to advance at all, I will suck it up and pay for the surgery with savings. I am going to try and not do that though, especially since I am going to be responsible for my mom and grandma.

This past September, I had to have Zeke euthanised. He was my best buddy in the whole world and the best dog I have ever been blessed to know. He had been suffering for a long time. The medications were no longer providing relief and anything stronger would have rendered him basically catatonic. He had lost control of his bowels and his kidneys were failing. My heart is still broken. I smell his old collar almost every day. I miss him.

My cat Earl is hanging in there. His estimated age is between 17 and 19 (we'll never know for sure since he was a stray when I found him so many years ago) and has a hard time chewing his food. He's had several dental surgeries. I have to puree everything he eats. He's still super affectionate and social and doesn't act like he's uncomfortable, which is a blessing.

Critters got most of my garden again this year, with the exception of my herbs and two varieties of tomatoes. And boy did I ever get tomatoes. My local family and co-workers got tomatoes. Everybody on my block got tomatoes. I couldn't give them all away. I made and canned a ton of spaghetti sauce (marinara, vodka, and basic hot) and salsa. My mom dried grape tomatoes in the oven and they were to die for. I ate them in handfuls like chips. They were also yummy with pasta, fresh basil, spinach, garlic, and olive oil. Nom nom nom.

I have been dating a little. I've been on two dates so far. One I'll see again, the other talked about his ex the entire time (ugh.) I, once again, created a profile on an online dating site. I live in a much heavier populated area from the last place I tried this and was not prepared for the response. At one point I had 85 messages in my in-box. I feel overwhelmed and am trying to respond to everyone who contacts me, whether I am interested or not, and it's taking up a good hour and a half of each day. I hope to meet someone for a long-term relationship, someone who is open to the possibility of that and is compatible with me, but I also am not ready for anything super serious right now. I just want the possibility to be there, but to not rush. I'm pretty much over my divorce and any other men I have let in since, but I am still feeling kind of tired. Like I'm at the tail end of the stages of grief, if that makes sense? I'm in a weird place, I guess. I know what I want, but finding someone else that I like who also wants the same things will be a challenge. I'm trying to just go with the flow and not have expectations. To take the time to really get to know someone so I can recognize if we aren't compatible before I have too much of my heart invested to be able to let go. You know what I mean? It's a slippery slope.

I'm rediscovering Kundalini Yoga. How or why did I ever stop? I am also going to finish a 10K this March. My default is to eat my way through stress, and I am still eating plenty of brownies and ice cream, but at least the activity will keep me from getting even more, um, curvy, improve my health and give me something positive to focus on. I'm truly enjoying myself.

There's more, but that basically brings you up to date. What has been going on with you?

Integration

2011-11-13T13:39:00.004-05:00

I love this blog and miss it very much.

I stopped blogging here for so long for several reasons, the main one being that I was somewhat afraid to completely be myself here. I even started a secret (and quite naughty) blog that some of you have found and supported, which I appreciate very much. It really bothers me to have two facets of who I am showing up in two different places though. And since this blog is a closer representation of who I truly am (the other blog is basically nothing but a bunch of whining and purging and, well, naughtiness), I would like to come back here, fully integrated, without censorship.

Most of my family (not my kids) and all of my real life friends have this blog address. Sometimes I worry that something I say will offend or hurt people. I never want to do that, but I also want to be honest. There have been times that I talked about very personal issues and was told by friends that I should push these negative thoughts out of my brain or "let it go." Well, just "letting it go" without trying to understand my thoughts and feelings and work my way through to a space of organic closure -- transcendence, if you will -- does not feel natural to me. Often when we just drop something, what we're really doing is stuffing it down. It's not gone, just simmering below the surface; without closure, it eventually boils over and we're forced to clean it up.

It is important to me to allow myself to be a human being. I want to evolve, yes, of course, but also celebrate my flaws. When we expose and own our imperfections, that is when we can most connect and help other people, I think. I can't think of anything better than being accepted and loved for all that we are, including the not-so-good stuff, if I'm making sense.

For a long time I struggled over whether or not this blog should be place to journal and talk about myself and the things going on in my life or if I should be less self-centered and talk about Buddhism and Tantra. It has occurred to me that maybe I do not have to choose. Maybe this blog can be about an ordinary woman and human being who believes strongly in the wisdom of Buddhism and the philosophies of Tantra, but sometimes finds it difficult to put this into practice. I think many people are in this position. We are a work in progress. The important thing is that we keep trying, right.

PBS produced a fascinating documentary called "The Buddha" that was both inspiring and heartbreaking for me. Even if you are not particularly interested in Buddhism, it's two hours of your life well spent. I learned so much. Some I already knew but was shown a different point of view. I can't say enough. Anyway, my favorite part came at the end when several Buddhists (practitioners, scholars, nuns and monks) each admitted to experiencing negative human emotions such as anger and frustration. The message was that being Buddhist doesn't mean you are perfect, it doesn't mean that you can't be a human being. It just means that after we allow ourselves to have our moment, we try to understand and work through and find the lesson and the opportunity for growth within. That is what I have been striving to do.

Did I ever mention the story of my nickname Tantra Flower here? A very dear Buddhist friend of mine gave me the name. When I asked him what it meant, his response was "what does it mean to you?" That was his way. He has this thing about not liking to impose his beliefs and views on others, but underneath has a deep desire to do just that, and so he plants little seeds and hopes you understand his heart. He's a beautiful person. I think about it often -- Tantra Flower -- what I always come back to is this: Tantra teaches us to live in the moment, that life is a sensual experience; when we eat an apple, we should smell it, feel the sensation of the skin breaking on our teeth, chew slowly to savor the flavor, be thankful for its nutrition and our good fortune to not be hungry, etc. Apply this technique to every aspect of our life. When I'm doing paperwork, I feel the pen on the paper and smell the ink. It isn't so bad now, is it? I'm blessed. It would be wonderful to live in this state of mind 24/7, but it is impossible for me. Tantric living is always with me and is what I strive for, though. I think about the flower. It starts as a seed, it sprouts, starts as a very tight little bud, with the proper nutrients, care and nurturing, it blooms into something beautiful and magical. It will eventually die, but can be preserved, its seeds will fall to the earth and new flowers are born. We are all blooming flowers.

Forgive that sappy aside, please. What I am getting at is that I am going to start blogging here again, I am not sure how often, but I will not be holding back. I'm going to share the bad with the good, the naughty with the nice. I'm going to talk about the importance of my spiritual beliefs and the conflicts I have between my heart and mind. Maybe you have experienced the same struggles and can appreciate it and share a few of your own in the comments. I would like that very much. Namaste

The C Word

2011-06-29T12:47:00.003-04:00

Cancer.

I just had a pretty good scare, but was fortunate to have it caught at stage one. I'm going to be just fine. Just a minor out-patient surgery was required; no radiation or chemotherapy. I'm grateful, but it's still quite traumatic.

So, as you can imagine, I have been pestering friends and family to get their physicals and do their self-exams. My grandmother, who is very sick with congestive heart failure and diabetes, confessed to me that she had not examined her breasts in probably ten years. TEN YEARS! She's 86 and sees the doctor every three months due to her other health issues and she has just assumed that her doctor is checking for these things. I strongly believe this is something everyone MUST take charge of themselves and I insisted she give herself a thorough self exam.

She found a lump.

She called her doctor and her doctor scheduled an X-ray and biopsy immediately. Yesterday we got the news that it's actually a mass the size of a grapefruit and it is definitely malignant. It has not spread to the lymph nodes yet, which means it can basically be removed with surgery. They want to take the whole breast.

The problem is, her cardiologist does not believe she can survive the surgery. She requires blood thinners and even a few days without them could cause her to suffer a stroke or heart attack. She can't have the surgery while on the blood thinners because she will bleed to death. According to her doctors, the only option is to undergo radiation therapy by itself, which might destroy the cancer, but might not.

She is going to get a second opinion, of course.

We're in the process of moving her up to Ohio to live with me. She was planning on moving here in the fall, but obviously it has to happen right now. Her treatment must start immediately, and is going to be intensive and debilitating. It is going to take a network of family to take care of her, something she does not currently have in NC. Here, my mother is already living with me (I know I complain about this and she gets on my nerves, but I love her a bunch. She's my mom!) and my oldest son Kyle has agreed to cancel his plans to live on campus come fall and continue living with me to help take care of her. My sister Pamela, her husband and extended family are all here as well. We're all committed to getting her through this.

I hate dwelling on the 'what if' and 'if only she would have blah blah blah', but in this case it could save a life. The fact is that if she had of been examining herself monthly, she would have felt this lump a long time ago and would have been in good enough health at the time to have the surgery, which at that point probably would have been a lumpectomy instead of a full mastectomy. My cancer was caught early because I stay on top of my self-examinations and suck it up and get my pap smears (which I HATE!) annually.

Please, all of you, it's worth taking the 15 minutes a month to check yourself. Check your body for unusual marks, your breasts and armpits for lumps (even if you're a man), familiarize yourself with your vulva and vagina or check your testicles. Every month. There are so many good videos on YouTube that show you how. Keep notes and tell your doctor if you find anything unusual at all, no matter how small. Get your annual physicals. If you don't have insurance and think you can't afford it, you'll be surprised on how many things you buy that you don't really need. It's worth it. Please. Stage one cancer has an almost 100% survival rate! The longer you wait, the more it spreads, and your odds of survival are less and less.

I love all of you. Please just do it! Thank you. XOXOXO

Also, any positive energy you have to spare for my grandma would be very much appreciated.

The most damaging axiom ever

2011-05-17T17:55:00.007-04:00

We've all heard this saying:

"Never regret because it got you where you are today."

And many variations thereof.

The most ridiculous one of all, in my opinion, is this: "Never regret your decisions because that was exactly what you wanted at the time."

Oh, really? I shouldn't regret refusing to talk to my dad for almost two full years one time for no good reason except that I wanted to punish him for the pain he didn't even intend to cause me? Or the person who broke into my house and stole all of my kids' Christmas presents that time shouldn't feel regret because, hey, he really wanted to feed his drug habit and stealing was how he wanted to do it? What about rapists? They really wanted to abuse and harm that woman at the time, so they shouldn't regret it later?

I call bullshit on that.

First of all, regret and forgiveness are not the same thing. And letting go of all regret isn't moving on. People who live with zero regrets are not learning and evolving as human beings at all. You'll just repeat the same behavior. You're just as stuck as a person with all-consuming regret.

Balance is always better than extremes. You may remember me saying this before, but I still believe it to my core -- holding on to just enough regret to keep from repeating bad behavior and destructive life choices, but not so much you beat yourself up, is a good thing.

I'll be the first to admit that I may hold on to a little too much regret sometimes. I mentioned a couple of posts ago that my words and actions cost me a dear friend probably forever and I am feeling extremely remorseful right now about that. I shed tears at least once a week for him. But if I'm having trouble keeping the balance sometimes, I'd much rather feel a little too much regret than none at all.

My garden

2011-05-11T12:33:00.003-04:00

In my last post (my first one in six months heh) I talked about my garden a little bit. I posted a list on Tumblr of what I had planted last week, but I wanted to post it here as well and add what I planted yesterday evening.

Six varieties of tomato
Four varieties (colors) of bell pepper
Serrano peppers
Red chili peppers
Anaheim peppers
Poblano peppers
Green beans
English cucumbers
Kohlrabi
Raspberries
Cantaloupe
Watermelon

This weekend I will be planting some eggplant, a few varieties of squash and some fennel. It isn't quite time to plant the leafy greens and root vegetables yet, but I am getting ground ready for them.

I'm planting a wider variety of herbs this year than usual. Some of them are in with my tomatoes since it takes less room and they grow so well together:

Basil
Coriander (aka Cilantro)
Flat-leaf parsley

In my checkerboard herb garden (I placed 12"X12" tiles between plants, creating a checkerboard look. I got the idea from a book.)

Garlic
Chives
Rosemary
Sage
Oregano
Thyme
Lemongrass (I’m going to try and make it grow here. Please send good vibes. It would make me SO happy.)
Marjoram
Lavender

I know it seems like I am planting a lot, but the price of produce has gotten out of hand and I like to eat good organic food so it's financially necessary. Not that I'm complaining at all. I enjoy tending the soil and the plants and I am getting much better at it. I still can't keep a houseplant alive, but so far the garden is in good shape, thanks to my mom working with me.

My mom had to move in with me again last December. It was supposed to be temporary, but she is 66 and has a difficult time taking care of herself so I think it's best that she just stay with me. I always knew I would take care of her one day, I just didn't think it would be so soon. I am happy to do it -- I love my mom -- but I would be dishonest if I said it was easy. I was worried about how having her with me might affect my chances of meeting a nice man who wants to be with me, but I figure that any man who is worthy of me will understand. And my mom does plan to go visit my other siblings from time to time.

I've been reading a wonderful book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. My friend Dina recommended it to me last year, but I am just now getting around to reading it. I think everything happens for a reason. I needed to work through some residual negative feelings in an organic way for a while in order to receive some of the messages. I'm only on the first chapter because I have to stop every couple of pages to really consider and process what I've read. The Toltec teachings that it is based on are very similar to Buddhist philosophy. I'll talk more about it later though. This was supposed to be a post about my garden.

I am finally feeling somewhat normal again

2011-05-09T13:37:00.008-04:00

I am settled in my new home and job, have established a routine, and have planted a gorgeous garden in my new backyard.

Ohio is lovely. It is WONDERFUL to live so close to my sister Pamela and my nephew! I love my job. Another bonus: I'm in a new plant-hardiness zone so I can finally grow raspberries and other fruits and vegetables that I couldn't before. I'm going to build a checkerboard herb garden this weekend! I love my new yard.

This funniest thing: a bird built a nest inside the bird feeder I hung.

She hasn't laid eggs yet, but guards the nest nonetheless. Birds come by for a bite of what is supposed to be community grub and she runs them off, then shakes her feathers as if to say "the nerve of them!" She, of course, is the one with "the nerve", but I don't mind. She wakes me up in the morning when my alarm clock fails and doesn't bother Zeke when he's laying in the grass soaking up the sun.

So much is going on in my life that I don't have time to write about right this moment, but all is well. I'm still emotional and say the wrong things and run off people that I care about -- I am working hard on that. I miss one person intensely though. He'll never talk to me again. I've written an apology but he was either too hurt or too convinced I'm bat-shit crazy to write back. His birthday is coming up next month and I want to send him a card, but I love him and don't want to make him feel uncomfortable so I'll just light a secret candle, I suppose. As you can tell, I'm still struggling with detachment. Maybe it's okay that I'm not ready to let certain things go, though. There are lessons for me to learn here.

Overall though, I am happy. Life is good, friends. I hope life is good for all of you, too. Namaste

Changes, Tumbling, Cravings, would love your input

2010-11-02T18:07:00.009-04:00

First, I just read my last post and -WOW - I had all the energy of Droopy on pot. Sorry. I'm not a great writer to begin with, even less so when I'm both physically and mentally drained. And boy was I.

I have some news. I've mentioned a couple of times before that I have been toying with the idea of changing the focus of this blog to Tantra and Buddhist interests. The more I think about it, the more I know that is what I would like to do. I do not know how often I will post, but I do know it will not be about my life, except as it pertains to my Buddhist, Tantra and yoga studies. I'm very excited about this and I hope that you will walk with me on this journey.

My personal posts (updates, pictures, etc.) will all go on my Tumblr, which I have had for more than a year now. I've had a link to it on my Blogger profile for a long time so you may have found it already. If not, you can view and subscribe to the RSS feed even if you don't have a Tumblr account. If you do have an account there, please follow me and I will follow you back. Just be warned: I am a multi-faceted woman with red-hot blood pumping through my veins. Sometimes I post porn and sometimes I am quite bitchy. If you can handle that, I'll see you there.

Back to this blog here; I am so happy to finally feel motivated to post here again. I have been thinking a lot about craving (cause) and suffering (effect.) Being that this is the very foundation on which Buddhism is based, but also something that every human, regardless of faith, can relate to, I was thinking that this would be a great topic to discuss. I would love it if in the comments you could give an example of suffering you have experienced in your life as a result of cravings.

I'll go first. I have experienced a lot of pain as a result of wishing for certain men to love me in the same way I love them. This one I still struggle with, though I am getting better. I can see the door to total detachment from unrequited love right in front of my face, whereas in the past it was so distant, I could barely even fathom its existence. Another example: there was also a time in my life when I couldn't feel the love from my father. I was so angry with him for leaving me when I was a child. This anger lead to a desire (craving) for my father to realize the hurt he caused me. Not just that I wanted him to experience pain and remorse, I wanted him to express it in such a way that I felt it was genuine. It was never going to happen. His way of expressing himself is much different than mine, but at the time I was so wrapped up in that desire that it kept me from fully loving him and feeling the love he has for me. When I let that craving go, I saw something I hadn't noticed: he was there for me. He was trying to make it right. Oh great, now I'm all misty-eyed.

Your turn. I will create a post comprised of the comments I receive here. It would mean a lot to me if you would participate. Thank you. XOXOXO Namaste

Still in transition

2010-10-31T09:09:00.008-04:00

My grandmother is having a really good week. She looks and feels really good. We're going to visit with her for a few hours today to celebrate her birthday, which is actually tomorrow but I have to work so today it is.

My move has been postponed until the last week of December. My new employer doesn't need me until after the first of the year and my current employer still needs me here, so it works out. I signed a one-year contract with the new treatment center in Dayton to start January 10th. At least I have it in writing.

The current job requires that I travel two to three days a week now and this gets old. I'm very much looking forward to getting moved and settled, going to work in the morning and coming home in the afternoon and sleeping in my own bed every night.

Still no love life. It isn't bothering me as much lately because I'm in transition, however, this will need to be remedied ASAP after I move. I've been alone long enough, wasted too much energy on men who don't care about me or value what I have to offer. I take full responsibility for this.

Next week I start a six week Kundalini Yoga course. My ultimate goal is to become an instructor.

I'm just focusing on myself and my role as mother, daughter, granddaughter, sister, aunt, and friend right now. I figure if I do that right, everything else will fall into place.

Much love, peace and good vibrations. Namaste

How could I have forgotten to mention this?

2010-08-31T23:52:00.003-04:00

I forgot to include my 5k in my update! Well, I did it! And it only took me 27 minutes and 36 seconds! Yay, what a blast! In case you don't know the backstory, every August 27th I do something special to celebrate the anniversary of the day I stubbed out my last cigarette and became a non-smoker back in 2003. This year, I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate seven smoke-free years than to do something I never could have done when my lungs were full of tar and soot. Yuck. I am SO glad I quit smoking. Don't know how or why I ever did it in the first place. It smells and tastes so awful. Tobacco in general is gross. The smell of it, even unlit, makes me want to vomit. Anyway, I felt so great after the 5k, I am now addicted! I'm still planning to do the half-marathon in the spring, hopefully March 17th for my birthday, and I was thinking it would be so cool to do a full marathon every single August 27th starting next year. Wouldn't that be cool? I can do it a different place every year and maybe talk some friends into doing it with me. I'd love that.

Well, time to turn out the lights, meditate, then sleep. Tomorrow is an early day. XOX

Preparing for the proverbial new chapter...

2010-08-31T09:44:00.010-04:00

It's rare that I feel like posting about what's going on in my personal life anymore. I think part of it is I'm in transition, part is I've experienced a lot of pain this year. Another part is that I haven't felt like talking about my innermost thoughts and feelings on this blog, no fault of anybody here I assure you, it's just a personal thing, and I don't like writing when I feel like I need to hold back.

Maybe it's time to think about going in a different direction. I've talked about posting more Tantra and Buddhist related entries in the past and I think that is something I would enjoy doing regularly. I'll sort it all out and let you know in the next month.

Now that I've admitted that, I feel like giving an update. Don't mind me, I'm just being a human again. Why do we have to be so messy? More specifically, why do I have to be so messy?

Most of what's going on is the same old stuff. My tendency to plan way ahead for things can make them drag out and seem to take forever, e.g. my upcoming move to Ohio, but then once the big event is upon and then behind me it seems to have come and gone so fast. In the past, most of my work was mental. I'd think and dwell and make lists and then wait until the last possible minute to actually do the work. I've gotten older though and having learned from that am actively doing something every day to make the actual move easier for me. I've got a job lined up in Dayton at a treatment center that is in the process of expanding their facility and taking on more residents, which means more staff. Yesterday I found out that my official start date is Wednesday, October 20th. This is a ways off, but that works out fine as my current employer still needs me and is letting me work up until the last possible day. My landlord is letting me stay until October 15th, but I will probably move a week or two before then. I'm house hunting now, with the help of my sister who lives in Dayton and can go look at these places and weed out the unsuitable ones before I make my trip up there September 16th to find and secure the house I want to live in for the next three years. I need a house, either one story or with a bedroom and bathroom downstairs if two story because my grandmother is going to come and stay with me. I also need a fenced in yard for Zeke and I'd love a gas stove, but that's not a priority.

My son and I have packed up half the house already. I gave away my dining room table to make room for all the boxes. Every day I pack two boxes of things I don't use daily or can live without for the next month.

I am going to miss my friends so much. I once turned my nose up at Facebook and all that, but right now I am really appreciative of social networking and all that it offers. We can exchange pictures, drop a quick note, know whether we are alive and well. It's a far cry from meeting for coffee, enjoying a meal and real-life bonding, but it's better than nothing. And I do plan to come back to NC to visit every few months.

So you already know that I got involved in a relationship with a man who was going through a divorce, stupidly fell very deeply in love with him and then he dumped me and went back to his ex-wife. I am still trying to get over that. I'm about 87% over him, but not really over the trauma. I'm not ready to date, not ready to even think about it. My well-meaning friends keep trying to set me anyway. I want them to stop. I'm not giving up period, just need a break. Let's face it, I've had a shitty time trying to find love. One I truly loved who lied to me and hurt me. Another I felt I could love -- really wanted to see if I could love -- but he wasn't having it. There's a positive way to view somebody rejecting you before they really get to know you... the pain, however, is the same. And then there are the guys that I thought seemed worth a shot only to have a horrible first or second date. Granted, I'm pretty picky and it stings less when you are the one putting the brakes on, but it still sucks when you initially think someone is really great and you open yourself to possibilities and you find out they're just after one thing. Most men seem to want a girl to just have fun and see whatever happens; I, however, am a woman. Not that I'm ready to just dive head first into something, but you do need to know what you're ultimately looking for in a relationship. I am open to taking the long way, short-cuts are rarely short anyway, but I do know where I'm going, if that makes sense. In other words, I'm not up for something frivolous. Would rather have nothing at all. So, I've had enough of it for now. I just want to get moved, start this new chapter in my life, and not even think about love or sex or relationships. Blech.

My son is excited about going to college full-time and becoming a teacher. I'm excited for him. He's changed his mind a few times over the years about what he wants to do, but he always came back to his love for physics and teaching. He wants to take it all the way. I'm so proud of him and happy for him!

I'm so excited about my plans for the year. I'm going to become a certified yoga instructor and will also be taking some courses in herbology and Chakra therapy. Next year I will resume my Bachelor's degree in Psychology and Dietetics and I'm looking forward to that as well, but I've wanted to take these other courses for a long time now so I'm really looking forward to that.

I finally got my turntable fixed! And then it broke again, damn it. The repairman is going to fix it again this weekend though and this he says it will be fixed for good. I'm crossing my fingers.

I've discovered dark chocolate infused with chipotle peppers and cinnamon. OMFG it is so good. I love spicy food. The hotter the better.

This is long enough so I'll stop here. Thanks for stopping by. Much love to you!!!

Just got back from my short trip to Dayton

2010-07-14T13:42:00.007-04:00

All went well with my job interview. I was hired, but they don't need me until they expand in October. I plan to move the end of August so I was hoping to start work no later than the first week of September. I need to, really. I could sell crafts and live off of savings for a while if it came to that, but I'd rather not.

My nephew is getting so big. He talks non-stop. I must have heard my name at least a few hundred times. Haha I loved it. He's a sweetheart. I put a picture of him on my Tumblr. I like that site because I can send pics from my phone in an instant. I'm not tech savvy at all, but they make it easy.

Not much else on my mind right now except the same old stuff. I did spend some time this morning being irritated with the phrase "no problem." I like to hear "you're welcome", "my pleasure", "any time", "it's okay :)"... those are all nice things to say. "No problem" sounds so douchey to me. I'm a little on the old-fashioned side when it comes to a few things, manners especially. Maybe I'm the douchey one.

I have eaten my weight in nectarines and blackberries today. I just can't get enough of them.

Lots of updates...

2010-07-09T21:14:00.003-04:00

Too many to mention them all, so I'll just talk about what's going on right now:

I'm getting ready to go visit my sister in Dayton, OH for a few days. It's going to be a whirlwind of a trip. I have a job interview there on Monday. Warm thoughts and positive energy would be most appreciated. :) I'm actually moving there in less than two months and am very excited. I've wanted to leave NC for a long time now, which is why I was open to falling in love with someone who lived in another state before. Well, this move is going to change that, obviously. Love did not work out for me, and may not ever, so I just have to move on with my life and find my own happiness. If I find someone in Dayton, that would be nice. If not, I am going to be happy anyway. I'm looking forward to this next chapter in my life.

My son is awesome, as always. He's getting ready to start school in the fall. I think it's a good thing he waited because now he is committed to the process and knows what he wants to do. And what he wants to do is teach physics. Good for him. I couldn't be more proud.

My grandmother has felt stronger this week, which always makes me happy. It's still up and down, but with congestive heart failure so that's just how it's going to be. Overall she is doing great! :) My son and I went and visited with her today. We cleaned her house and made her bed then we all had dinner together. Shortly after, she got tired so we hugged her goodbye and came on home.

My mom is visiting a high school friend in California, indefinitely it appears, and that is fine by me. She and two of my younger siblings moved in with me for what was supposed to be a few days and turned into a few months not long ago. Oy. Too long of a story, plus I finally got to the point where I can laugh about all of it -- well everything except the part where my mom broke my clothes dryer and used my nice fluffy washcloths to clean Earl's cat box even though I keep plenty of cleaning rags within hands reach, but I digress -- and I don't want to rehash everything and get all pouty again. Suffice it to say, I am not unhappy with my mother's current living arrangements, though I do miss her very much.

Back to the love thing and the end of what I was certain was going to be a long-term relationship... I wish I could tell you what happened but I honestly don't know for sure. It's all about Michael's emotions and it happened so fast and with so little explanation. There wasn't an argument or anything like that. Michael invited me to Chicago to spend my birthday with him and then broke up with me while I was there. He felt "overwhelmed" and promised that he did not plan to break my heart like that. Really? Because I tend to think long and hard before crushing somebody I care about who I know loves me. Compassion and impulse control are two biggies for me, something that was lacking here. Ugh. I see now that I could have avoided the heartbreak if I had just followed my usual rule of never dating a man going through a divorce. But I believed everything he said to me and it had, after all, been more than a year since his wife first told him she wanted to end the marriage. Apparently she went back and forth on this a few times and was also unfaithful. That and the fact that they had already hired attorneys and the divorce was in motion, and the fact that he told me there was no going back for him and that he had made peace with it all and was ready to move on, with ME, that he was in love with me, that he belonged to me, that I was his heart, well I, quite stupidly, felt safe. It turns out he was all along still willing to give her another chance if she would just say the word. And she did. Sigh. I'm pretty sure I was used to make her jealous, and if it hadn't of worked he wouldn't have to be alone. Once again, I was the back-up plan/back-burner girl. You'd think I would learn by now. To think I was celibate for five years waiting for the right man to share myself with. I begged him not to touch me unless it was safe for my heart. That was stupid of me. If I needed his reassurance, it wasn't time yet. I know that. Now I feel embarrassed and foolish, and in my lower moments even feel unworthy and unlovable. I'm asking the enlightenment police to please exercise restraint here... I am just being honest about my feelings. I don't stuff things down and deny them. I experience every emotion, every bit of pain, and process it. I strongly believe that transcendence has to come organically, from a place of total honesty. We have to acknowledge and embrace everything that makes us human. Anyway, I know I'm still being kind of vague and am all jumbled and rambling, but this is the best I can do. I am OK with it all and have hope in even my lowest of moments. And I have forgiven myself and him. I'm trusting that the universe is sparing me and that something greater is in store, whatever it may be. It still hurts though.

And that big chunk of babble is probably the biggest reason why I haven't blogged here. I dreaded having to rehash that and didn't feel like I could start posting again until it was dealt with. I thought I'd feel a lot better than I do right now, but the truth is that I am still hurt. I really loved Michael. But Michael is certainly not the first man I ever really loved that didn't love me back. In fact, that's pretty much the story of my life. Which would be funny if it weren't so sad.

But in spite of all the love/relationship problems, I am overall very happy. I'm looking forward to moving closer to my sister, my son is moving with me and possibly my grandmother as well. I'm healthy, have wonderful friends and family, my bills are paid, I have my sense of humor, my hands, my heart, music, Zeke and Earl... things could be much worse.

I made a commitment to finish a half marathon this spring. The first step is a 5k this August. I'm taking this seriously and am on target to be able to do it. I'm eating mostly whole foods and starting every day with a green smoothie. I feel great. I know I've lost weight too. Not sure how much, since I declared my scale to be dead to me and "a mutherfucker" before chucking it in the dumpster... which was probably not the wisest move in hindsight, but what's done is done. And that scale really was a piece of shit.

I'm dreading this week's Deadliest Catch. I'm not sure my heart will be able to take it.

The Jim Thompson fan in me really wants to go see The Killer Inside Me but I have such a weak stomach. If anybody has seen it, your two cents would be appreciated.

I feel so blessed...

2010-06-07T01:58:00.006-04:00

...to have such wonderful friends. Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving me well wishes during my absence. A lot has happened in the 4+ months since my last post. Not all good, I'm afraid. But not all awful, either. Life is a journey, right. A series of ups and downs and lessons to be learned.

I needed this long break from this blog, but I am feeling ready to get back in the saddle again. I will update very soon. This week. I promise.

I also have much catching up to do with all of your blogs as well.

Thank you for sticking by me. I only lost one subscriber during this hiatus, which I find to be absolutely amazing. I love you very much. I wish I could group hug all of you.

XOXOXO

I did not meet him through the matching site I joined...

2010-01-25T01:18:00.003-05:00

but who cares, I am just glad we met.

First things first: Thank you so much to my good friends who have continued to stop by and greet me, even though I have been a terrible friend and blogger for the past several months now. I want you to know that you mean a lot to me and you are in my thoughts and heart.

I don't know if any of you have a Facebook, but I check mine daily so if you'd like to connect there, email your profile URL to me at tantraflower@gmail.com and I will gladly add you. I'm sure I'll be out of this writer's funk I'm in eventually, but that would be one way to stay in touch in the meantime.

However, don't think that because I am in a writer's funk that I am feeling funky altogether. I'm actually the happiest I have been in a very long time. I've made some life choices that I feel really good about (daily yoga, moving to Ohio this summer, etc.), but the greatest source of pleasure in my life at the moment is a very wonderful man. We are falling in love. I can't fully express the joy I feel right now that, well first of all I found someone that I feel so connected to and in tune with and attracted to on an emotional and spiritual level, but that he also is compassionate and honest and shares my values and relationship goals and weird sense of humor -- but not only that, he feels the same way about me and he wants me too! He wants me just the way I am! He thinks it's adorable that I spill every meal on my shirt and he loves my nervous rambling. Sigh. We are spending this coming weekend together in Indianapolis: getting to know each other better, eating good food, checking out vinyl records, watching Orson Welles movies on my laptop, and doing a lot of smooching and hand holding... I am so looking forward to it. He is awesome and I am smitten!!!

It is so late and I should be asleep now. I will write more later.

Much love and peace to you. Namaste

Has it really been a month and a half?

2009-12-14T01:45:00.003-05:00

Oh my, I can hardly believe how long it has been since I have written anything here. Time flies when you are having fun (or running around like a chicken with its head cut off! ha)

Life is trucking along. Family, work, and school have been consuming all of my time. We're finally going to visit the tree farm and put up Christmas decorations tomorrow afternoon. I have my last final exam this week (yay!), just in time for my son and I to do our annual Christmas baking. Rum cake, lemon-apricot cake, an assortment of Italian cookies and candies (truffles, yum!)... I am so excited!!! I'm putting the finishing touches on Kyle's new stocking. I quilted it. It's a surprise. Your child is never too old for an Easter basket or a new Christmas stocking.

My son turned 22 years old December 4th. I am still having a hard time believing it. He's supposed to be a little boy, not this 6'1 1/2", 190 pound, bearded man that I see. lol Seriously though, I am so proud of him. He is such a sweetheart! All he wanted was to go see the Trans-siberian Orchestra in concert. With me, his mother. Awww!!! Which we did on December 2nd in Raleigh. It was fantastic!!! They really put on an awesome show. Members of the North Carolina Symphony sat in and omg they were just incredible. We had the best time.

In other news, I did something I swore a blood oath (well, a tear-filled one more like) more than a year ago that I would not ever do again. Yes, stupid me tried her luck with an online matchmaking service once again. I've been too busy to date really, but like anything else we tend to put off until "the right time", the stars and planets will never be aligned perfectly for it and honestly I am sick of being alone so I just decided to do it anyway. Apparently I learned nothing from this experience or that one (the first). I thought I did, learn something that is, and thought I had a realistic picture of what I was about to face and had developed a thicker skin. Hey, did you know that if you grab a hot cast-iron skillet by the handle it burns you? Yeah, me too. And yet I have done it more times than I can count, both literally and figuratively. I'm very familiar with the ubiquitous 'definition of insanity is...' adage, but I think my problem is more along the lines of absent-mindedness. I just forgot it was hot.

Well, I'm not going to give up just yet. I've accepted all of the negative aspects and inevitable bullshit that comes with the whole thing and am hoping that it will all be worth it in the end. If not, at least I gave it my best effort. It's just that I know a kindred is out there, several I believe, and one day I will find one who will feel it too and in spite whatever fears or reservations he may have, he'll just say yes! And we'll spend the rest of our lives being ourselves and embracing and loving every single flaw and quirk the other possesses. I'm such a hopeless romantic.

Wow, it's 1:45 in the morning and I have to be up early. I promise not to let so much time pass between updates next time.

Here is the random six: (someone keeps reporting this post, even though the links to the songs were not active, so I had to remove the names of the songs. un-friggin-believable!)

not much, but it is an update

2009-11-02T22:20:00.003-05:00

Lately I've been doing most of my writing in my private journal. The real one made of actual paper that I keep under my bed. A lot has been going on in my life, lots of family stuff that I've touched on somewhat here and other stuff too. I've been deep in thought, doing a lot of contemplating and just haven't felt like sharing it here. Partly because so many people, family and friends alike, in my offline life read here and I am feeling more private these days; partly just because I want to try to be positive here but I haven't exactly been feeling like a ray of sunshine and I am not good at putting on or pretending. Or I am pretty good at it, but just don't have it in me to bullshit anymore so I don't is more like. I tried to post yesterday but the things that were on my mind were bound to earn me emails from up to two males certain it was all about him wanting to bite my head off... and that whole scenario playing out in my head gave me a pretty bad case of writer's block. hahaha

Here's the Random Six that played yesterday while I sat here writing and erasing the same line 45678923 times:

Cory Hart - Sunglasses at Night
Kate Bush - Never Be Mine
Roxy Music - The Main Thing
Lords of the New Church - Holy War
Quarterflash - Take Me to Heart
INXS - Burn for You

All from the '80s and I didn't even have it programmed that way. Kind of weird huh. You know my first post on this blog was kind of about '80s music as I recall. It's labeled "first post" or something similar if you're interested in checking it out. I'll find the label and list it below.

I hope you had a good day, are having a good night, and have a great week!

Much love to you! xox

P.S. Grandma is doing very well. Nieces and nephew are great, Candace is doing OK, is staying with me for a bit, along with several other family members actually. My mother is driving me crazy, but what else are mothers for. Work and school are going fine. My love life is still non-existent. It doesn't help that I publicly embarrass myself one way or another daily. In typical emotional eater fashion, I ate an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's pistachio then spent the next two hours working it off. Was it worth it? Hell yes.

On compassion and anger

2009-10-28T08:58:00.003-04:00

Jangchup Lingpa and the team at Long Live His Holiness The Dalai Lama send a weekly Dalai Lama quote to their subscribers. I find the quotes to be inspirational and many times apropos of a current struggle either I or a loved one is facing.

Today's quote struck me for some reason. I'm not sure why... but I intend to meditate on it and find out. :)

"I would like to explain the meaning of compassion which is often misunderstood. Genuine compassion is based not on our own projections and expectations, but rather on the rights of the other: irrespective of whether another person is a close friend or an enemy, as long as that person wishes for peace and happiness and wishes to overcome suffering, then on that basis we develop a genuine concern for his or her problems. This is genuine compassion. Usually when we are concerned about a close friend, we call this compassion. This is not compassion; it is attachment. Even in marriage, those marriages that last only a short time, do so because of attachment - although it is generally present - but because there is also compassion. Marriages that last only a short time do so because of a lack of compassion; there is only emotional attachment based on projection and expectation. When the only bond between close friends is attachment, then even a minor issue may cause one´s projections to change. As soon as our projections change, the attachment disappears, because that attachment was based solely on projection and expectation. It is possible to have compassion without attachment, and similarly, to have anger without hatred. Therefore we need to clarify the distinctions between compassion and attachment, and between anger and hatred. Such clarity is useful in our daily life and in our efforts toward world peace. I consider these to be basic spiritual values for the happiness of all human beings, regardless of whether one is a believer or a nonbeliever." - His Holiness the Dalai Lama

On another note, I want to thank you all for staying in touch with me while I have not been posting here very much. Though I have been pretty neglectful of my blog, I love to hear from you and always respond to emails.

I hope you are well and happy. I hope you smell some flowers today. Go to the park and swing. :)

Welcome, Abigail Margaret

2009-10-11T09:23:00.004-04:00

Born October 8, 2009 at 12:02 PM, EST.
7 lb. 15oz., 20" long

She's so sweet I can hardly stand it!!!

Look at her feet:

This has been a very exciting week for our family in many ways. My new niece is certainly the highlight and a very welcome addition! Congratulations to my brother Brian, his beautiful wife, Becca and my niece, Destiny. You're going to be a great older sister, Des. xox

This semester has been different. I'm doing a hybrid (80% online, 20% classroom) and weekend college combination. Weekend college sounds easy but it felt like a friggin' whirlwind. The semester is divided in two, meaning classes are completed in half the time. Uh yeah. lol I start two new classes in two weeks.

I didn't work out of town this past week because between finals, Abigail being born, and other family stuff I wanted to stick close to home. I'll pay for it next week. That is good though. I like being busy. :)

I want to thank the couple of people who wrote to me asking about my sister, Candace. She is doing very well. She did go back to her abuser for one day... long story short, she and Hannah ended up back with my mother the following morning. She has sought help from law enforcement and social services, her ex will have to attend anger management and parenting classes before he is allowed even supervised visitation with Hannah again. Candace is in therapy. It's one day at a time, you know. We're just giving her a lot of love and support. She's on her way.

Hannah learned how to walk in the middle of all this. Less than 10 months old and sooo short; she looks so funny running around. hahaha And what a lovable, cuddle bug. Insists that I hold her every second that I'm with her and cries when I leave. Oh my heart. If I loved that child any more, it would burst!

I love being an aunt so much!!!

Here's the Random Six:

Redemption - Johnny Cash
Let Me Go - Heaven 17
The Cisco Kid - War
Big Country Blues - Townes Van Zandt
Mother Earth - Memphis Slim
Boy (Go) - The Golden Palominos w/Michael Stipe

Thoseghar Waterfall

2009-10-08T09:58:00.003-04:00

My friend Bhavesh posted some gorgeous photos on his blog today. Please go have a look. The images are breathtaking. His entire blog is a joy to read really.

If you guessed the "full-fat regular", Gold Star for you!!!

2009-10-04T16:00:00.004-04:00

My dining room table is in terrible shape. It's actually ready to fall apart so I removed the glass top and leaned it against the wall. The frame and legs can't be saved so I'll have my son take it to the dumpster when he gets home from work. I really hate throwing things away like that. If I could find another use for it, I would. Sorry, Mother Earth.

So, today I perused all of the dumpsters in my townhouse community and nearby apartment complexes to see if anybody put a table out that can be saved. That's how I got most of the furniture I already have. What I didn't find, I bought used from family and friends. I just can't see buying something new when there's all this stuff out there that will end up in a landfill. Plus it's so much fun to take something worn out and broken and tighten it up, sand it down, make it beautiful and give it a new life. Unfortunately, no luck today though. I'll check the dump tomorrow. If I can't find anything there, I'll find one on Craig's List or Backpage in need of a little TLC.

I made cheese biscuits and potato cakes with apples for brunch. They were so yummy.

I'm heading over to my neighbor's house in a few minutes for a cookout. I have my veggie dogs all ready to go. As usual, I was assigned the cheesecake. I can't take credit for its creamy scrumptiousness though; it's an easy-to-follow family recipe handed down for generations. I made two: one full-fat regular, one low-fat diet friendly. Take a wild guess which one I'll be enjoying. I also made a fruit salad. It's so cute. And super easy too. I just gutted a seedless watermelon and carved it into a basket with a handle and filled the basket with little balls of watermelon, cantaloupe, and honeydew (using a melon scoop). Then you just add whatever other fruit you have on hand. I had pineapple and bananas. Mmm. I already ate a bowl of it and it was delicious.

What a nice, relaxing day so far. The weather is gorgeous. I haven't done a single thing I didn't want to do today. I LOVE days like this!!! =)

Here's the random six.

Little Red Book - Love
In the Garden - Susan Tedeschi
Driving Wheel - Little Junior Parker
Black Water - The Doobie Brothers
About Her - Malcolm McLaren
Give My Love to Rose - Johnny Cash

Awakening Through the Chakras

2009-10-04T10:27:00.001-04:00

I feel so good this morning! Thanks to this CD:

Music and Meditations for Balancing the Body's Energy Centers

I just have to share this with you. Give the guided meditation a try. If you aren't ready for that yet, I think you'll enjoy the music. It's very soothing and yet invigorating... it makes you feel so good!!!

Guided Meditation - Anodea Judith
Waking - Glen Valez (base/root chakra)
Cosmic Flow - Maneesh de Moor (sacral chakra)
Mirrors - Glen Valez (solar plexus chakra)
Heart Sutra - Wah! (heart chakra)
Under the Wings of Blessing - Nawang Khechog (throat chakra)
Prana - Craig Kirkland & Shaman's Dream (brow chakra)
Samadhi - Shaman's Dream (crown chakra)

Available for one week for your listening pleasure. :) Buy the CD or the CD & book set from One Spirit.

If you are interested but unfamiliar, click the links to learn more about Kundalini yoga and the Chakras at Wikipedia. Also, Kundalini Awakening: A Gentle Guide to Chakra Activation and Spiritual Growth by John Selby and Kundalini Tantra by Swami Satyananda are two of my favorite books.

Blog aversion...

2009-10-01T21:51:00.008-04:00

I've been experiencing it lately. Averse to my own blog that is, not yours. :) I've been feeling all kinds of other things too, mainly restless and tired of not just saying how I feel or doing what I feel like doing. And I'm having trouble expressing my thoughts and feelings through the written word. I've always had trouble getting what's in my head into words, but it's been worse lately. My balance is off. My full schedule has something to do with this. I haven't been practicing yoga regularly; my chakras are all foggy and smoggy and off-kilter.

I'm making my spiritual health and getting myself back on track a priority.

My sister-in-law has not had the baby yet. She'll have her any day now. Her doctor won't induce because there is no medical reason to do so. I totally agree. Becca (sister-in-law) does not. She's young and tired of being pregnant. I can certainly relate: been there, done that. Abigail will be born soon and in the blink of an eye she'll be 21 years old just like my son. Le sigh.

My grandmother is doing well. We talk on the phone for a few minutes every night and I go visit her twice a week. Mentally, she's getting stronger every day. Physically, she still has limitations but she has learned to cope.

My son has decided that he wants to be a physics teacher! I'm so happy for him!!! He loves animals and did want to be a veterinarian for some time, but his love of physics has been apparent since he was four years old and he loves to teach. It makes perfect sense. Whatever he does, I'm proud of him. He's a good person.

Not much else to talk about really. School is going well, work is...well, work, Zeke is losing weight (still can't believe I had to put my dog on a weight loss plan) and Earl is just as lazy as ever.

I made the most delicious banana nut bread over the weekend. Sorry for not posting the six on Sunday. I'll do it this weekend. If I'm still feeling blah, I'll post an excerpt from Thich Nhat Hanh's You are Here. It's a wonderful book that I'm re-reading.

Hope y'all are having a great week. I'm thinking of you often. Love you all a bunch! xoxoxo

Congratulations, Tricia!!!

2009-09-23T09:15:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite bloggers ever is celebrating her 150 followers by giving a load of stuff to one lucky winner. So, pay Tricia a visit at Fight Fat Phobia and congratulate her, say hello, be her 151st follower, or enter to win. She put some pretty cool stuff together; well, save for that nasty chewing gum, which you probably like anyway...

But maybe the point is that preaching to scary music shouldn't be effective?

2009-09-20T23:52:00.012-04:00

My son and I had to go shopping today. He needed a new blanket. Also, my big-ass coffeemaker was on its last leg. You would not believe the horrible sounds it was making... downright scary and sooo loud. I could hear it brewing from outside my house. With my door and window closed! I know I've already talked about my shopping aversion so I won't drag that part out, but at least I had a list with me and we were in and out of the store within thirty minutes with a nice fluffy blanket, a smaller, much quieter coffee maker, and two gift cards for new babies.

Then we watched Bill Maher's documentary Religulous. You know I was right with him (Maher) up until the last five minutes. The "wrap up", if you will... talk about over the top! He made his purpose clear in the first five minutes -- he wants people to think... to be humble enough to have doubt. Nothing wrong with that. Being 100% certain that you are right and everybody else is wrong is a foolish -- not to mention very dangerous -- thing. And I think up until whatever the fuck that ridiculousness was at the end, he may have succeeded in reaching a few. You'd have to see it for yourself to know what I'm talking about. The best comparison I can make is this: Have you ever gotten one of those forwarded emails with a "moral message" that you usually delete, but decide to read this one time and find yourself pleasantly surprised and entertained by the content are feeling pretty good about the lesson contained within -- until the person who sends you the email has to add their condescending two cents at the end and really drive it home, spelling everything out for you, because obviously you can't be trusted to be smart enough to actually get it (the message) yourself? Yeah, it was like that. And I fucking hate that. So, I still love Bill Maher, still agree with him most of the time and I'm glad I watched his doc., though I won't be adding it to my DVD collection or anything.

Shambala is playing on my iTunes right now. This song always brings back memories. I may have mentioned this here before, but if I did it was last year. We went camping a lot when I was growing up, usually near some body of water be it the beach or a lake. One of my dad's favorite things to do was, after starting a fire for our daily catch and s'mores, blare music and insist on group sing-a-longs. This is the end of the day mind you, by which time, between the wine and the beer (and the occasional, clandestine bong hit), he was pretty pickled. Three Dog Night was a favorite and this song was especially effective in coaxing his inner wannabee rock star. Then he'd start twirling around with some random flower or weed between his teeth. Good times.

Random Six:

The Spinners - The Rubberband Man
The Human League - Love Action (I believe in love)
Stevie Nicks and Don Henley - Leather and Lace
R.E.M. - Strange Currencies
Three Dog Night - Shambala
Bob Marley - Natural Mystic

I forgot to mention that my sister in law still has not gone into labor. She's had contractions off and on for days. Abigail, that's the name they've chosen, will come when she's good and ready and that's one of the beauties of nature.

How was your week? Is your family as much drama as mine?

2009-09-13T22:55:00.003-04:00

Earlier this week a friend of mine was chased by a dog in a canoe. Wait, that sounded ridiculous. He was the one in the canoe. He was rowing a canoe while being chased by a Labrador. lol I cannot stop laughing about this. There's more to the story, but I never retell stories very well. Trust me, it's funny.

And I needed a good laugh after the long week I had.

It all started out good... Zeke's vet visit went well; he lost five more pounds, only nine more to go. That same day, I got a promotion at work that allows me to pretty much work whatever hours I want to so long as I do my job. Yay! But I still don't get paid enough, so I worked my butt off on Monday and Tuesday then went to Fayetteville to work a second job for the rest of the week -- a two+ hour drive each way. Well the day that I left, all kinds of family shit went down.

My pregnant sister-in-law started having contractions -- three weeks early (she's still hanging on, probably won't make it past Tuesday though.)

My youngest sister, Candace, left her abusive boyfriend for the sixth -- and we hope the FINAL time. This time he attempted to hurt my nine-month-old niece. We're all just sick about it. Thankfully Hannah was unharmed; Candace didn't fair as well, many bruises and a dislocated shoulder, but she will be fine. She's staying with my mom and grandma until she can get her own place. I went and visited her today. We went out to lunch, then she wanted to go shopping. In case my love for her was ever in doubt; I shopped. Those who know me know that I hate shopping with a fiery passion, but my sister-love overrides the shop-hate.

My brother Kevin broke up with his girlfriend apparently -- he didn't tell anybody, but I know because of her hilariously passive-aggressive and ultra-classy (sarcasm) Facebook updates (what is wrong with kids these days? no sense of privacy) not to mention the ten phone calls per day to my brother on my mother's phone (or dignity for fuck's sake!) (yes, Kevin lives with my mom. no, I do not approve) (sorry Mom... just being honest) (my mom reads my blog. Hi Mom. :) I love you!) Candace's boyfriend is telephone-stalking her too... which we expected would happen. He's an abusive controlling person and he's doing what abusive, controlling people do. Not that that makes it OK in any way, it doesn't. Just saying that we knew it was going to happen. But this situation with Kevin's girlfriend is just really bizarre and from left field. Why call someone who doesn't want to talk to you? What possible gain is there?

Oh, and I forgot to mention that my sister and brother fight like cats and dogs.

So now my mother and grandmother have a house full, two adults who bicker like children, a telephone that rings off the hook with stalkers, are being eaten out of house and home, and they are stressed to the max. And this is stressing me out. I am worried.

It's late. I need to go to bed.

Random six:

Lowell Fulson - Tramp
Norah Jones - What Am I To You?
R.E.M. - So. Central Rain (I'm Sorry)
The Sir Douglas Quintet - Mendocino
B.B. King - Why I Sing the Blues
Oliver - Good Morning, Starshine

The skins were extra crispy and buttery delicious

2009-09-06T18:00:00.003-04:00

Potatoes are so good. I eat them at least three times a week; I could never be one of those low-carb people. I love all varieties, but the red potato is my favorite. Yesterday I stopped at Briley's (a local family farm that has a stand within walking distance of my house) and they had a whole basket of fresh baby ones so I bought a bunch of them to go with our brunch today. They were soooooo yummy. First, I boiled them whole for 21 minutes, then quartered and fried them in just a little bit of olive oil and butter (real butter. count me out of the low-fat crowd too) over medium-high heat, skin side down for 6 minutes, then flipping for the next 6 minutes until they were golden all over then seasoned them with sea salt, crushed red pepper and fresh flat-leaf parsley. Ohhh they were good. I also made a veggie omelet, cinnamon rolls and sliced up some fresh peaches. My son and I both ate too much.

I have the whole day to myself and I am enjoying it. I had yesterday to myself for the most part as well, but I did have a morning meeting, then had housework to do. And since there was a game going on, I also took a walk down 14th to sell the twentysomeodd purple and gold bandanas I had left to enthusiastic Pirate fans. I tied one around Zeke's neck and they sold out in like 10 minutes. No, I did not get a permit. I believe in breaking laws that are stupid.

I know, bad, bad, bad girl.

Random Six (available for one week)

Electric Light Orchestra - Do Ya
Joe Cocker - Feelin' Alright
Crash Test Dummies - Swimming in your Ocean
Lone Justice - Shelter
Fleetwood Mac - Tusk
The Smiths - Sweet and Tender Hooligan

I'm just getting this in under the wire. Yay!

2009-08-30T23:58:00.003-04:00

I am working out of town again. Things are going pretty good; I'm just tired. This bed looks really, really good right now.

I'm re-reading How to Practice: The Way to a Meaningful Life by H.H. The Dalai Lama (Translated and edited by Jeffery Hopkins, Ph.D.) and it's just blowing my mind. In Part II (Practicing Morality), Chapter 5 (Extending Help), he writes:

Put others first; you yourself come next. This works even from a selfish viewpoint. Let me explain how this is possible. You want happiness and do not want suffering, and if you show other people kindness, love, and respect, they will respond in kind; this way your happiness will increase. If you show other people anger and hatred, they will show you the same, and you will lose your own happiness. So I say, if you are selfish, you should be wisely selfish. Ordinary selfishness focuses only on your own needs, but if you are wisely selfish, you will treat others just as well as you treat those close to you. Ultimately, this strategy will produce more satisfaction, more happiness. So, even from a selfish viewpoint, you get better results by respecting others, serving others, and reducing self-centeredness.

I love his perspective. This is not the best excerpt I've read today, but this was the first page I flipped to so I figured this must be the right one. Honestly, I do need to work on this. Just today I was upset with my brother and I lashed out at him, just because that is what I selfishly felt like doing in that moment. It accomplished nothing of course. I imagine I'd be feeling much better about the situation if I had just been kinder.

Something to think about for sure.

Random six:

Bryan Ferry - Slave to Love
Surprise - Synchronicity
Junior Wells - Come On in This House
Van Morrison - I Believe to My Soul
The Pretenders - Message of Love
Willie Dixon with Memphis Slim - Sittin' and Cryin' the Blues

It's nice to be back today. Random six time.

2009-08-23T13:12:00.004-04:00

Not much new to report. I've been working out of town from Thursday through Saturday for the past few weeks for my former employer. That was temporary though... classes have started back so I've got my hands full at home.

My cousin Gina is holding up surprisingly well. Uncle Ted's death hasn't sunk in yet though.

In September my dad and his three brothers and three sisters are taking a trip to my Mammy's hometown in Maine where they will bury her ashes at the Burgess family cemetery. My sister Pamela and I would like to join them, but that's still up in the air.

I want to thank the person who suggested I put hair around my garden. A hairstylist friend of mine saved a bag for me and it has worked like a charm. In a couple of months, I should have some nice tomatoes, herbs and root vegetables.

What else is going on? Major energy shifts.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about everything. Mostly about finally opening myself up to filling that big gaping hole in my heart. And truth... true meanings to be specific. Definitions. What is love? What is compassion? I want romance that evolves naturally from friendship, so I'm thinking about what makes a true friend? That type of thing. I am convinced that it is what we do that really counts. What we feel only has an effect on ourselves and there comes a point where words just don't cut it anymore; our actions are real and what affects others. Are we there? Do we show concern and offer a shoulder? I want to be present and really there for the people I love, but for that to be possible, the person has to value me and want me there. You can't be there for someone who won't let you in. That's what I really want: to walk into open arms. We can't take tomorrow for granted. It is time to clear out the old to make room for the new. I want mutual nurturing... to be truly connected. So, so long crushes, longings, desires... you made it possible for me to work through my fears by allowing me to hide from something real for a time and I appreciate that. But I'm ready for something real and requited now. I will miss you and always care about you and I wish you well.

I'll carry the rest over to my private tumblr so as not to torture and bore you, my dear friends, to death. Because I love you.

Here's the random six.

Siouxsie & the Banshees - Dazzle
Muddy Waters - Still a Fool
Bob Marley and the Wailers - Waiting in Vain
Sinéad O'Connor - I Want Your Hands on Me
Isaac Hayes - Run Fay Run
Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah

It always happens in threes...

2009-08-20T08:27:00.001-04:00

I am so sorry for being either absent or a real downer lately. I shared with you in my last post that we had to make the difficult decision euthanize Lacy, my late uncle's lovely German Shepherd that was a part of our family for almost 13 years. And I have some more bad news to report, I'm afraid.

My Mammy (father's mother) just passed away, three weeks shy of her 97th birthday. She was such a wonderful person. My childhood memories are filled with her laughter. Three years ago, before the Alzheimer's consumed her, my sister Pamela and I made the trip to see her and spent several days. She was quite the chatterbox, telling us stories of her life, opening up about her difficult marriage to my Grampy (R.I.P.) and barely holding back laughter and tears of pride as she told tales of all seven of her children and how my father loved to sing and dance as a child. She lived a good life and I am not sad that she is no longer suffering. The truth is that our family has already grieved the loss; for the last two and a half years of her life, she did not know who any of us were. Alzheimer's never took her smile though. Even in pain, she was happy until the day that she died.

Then, a few days ago, my Great Uncle Ted died of complications of a neglected ulcer. He was a rather heavy drinker and never would take care of himself. He was always a very nice man though and was always there for me. His daughter Gina, my second cousin, and I are the same age and have been very close our entire lives. I don't know if you remember or not, but a few months back I mentioned Uncle Ted giving my dad the silent treatment for years after my dad "stole" the name Lisa Marie and gave it to me, forcing Ted and Aunt Mick (R.I.P.) to name my dear cousin Regina Marie instead. Then when Regina turned 17 years old and started calling herself Gina, Uncle Ted called my dad to curse him out one more time before finally laying it to rest. He was quite a character. He could hold a grudge like nobody else I've ever met, but he had many great qualities too. He always insisted that I was his favorite niece (he said that to every one of his nieces and nephews) and when I was 5 years old he helped me safety pin the cape around my neck and told me that girls could be Superman too.

Please forgive me for not dropping by your blogs to say hello. I have been thinking of all of you and I miss you very much. I hate feeling out of touch with you. I am looking forward to catching up with everyone after I get back from working out of town this weekend. If I have missed any major news, please let me know in the comments here. I love you guys a bunch. xoxoxo

The law of balance

2009-08-12T20:56:00.000-04:00

Having still not come down from the spectacular news about my cat Earl, our family was dealt a pretty big blow by Lacy's veterinarian today. I have mentioned Lacy before, but in case you're new here: Lacy is/was a beautiful German Shepherd -- the sweetest soul -- who belonged to my Uncle Greg (R.I.P.) and Aunt Peggy (R.I.P.) from the time she was six weeks old. After my aunt's death, she was shuffled around a bit between family members until about a year ago when I picked her up and she's lived with me ever since. She was to be 13 years old this August 22nd. Back to the vet visit... we were told that her kidneys and liver were both failing; there was nothing we could do to save her and over the next few weeks she would die a miserable, painful death. My mother made the very difficult decision to have her euthanized.

I asked my Uncle Greg for his blessing... yes, I believe in ghosts, spirits and reincarnation of the individual soul (non-Buddhisty of me, but that is my belief) and on the off chance that Greg has not taken a new life form just yet, I thought it was worth a shot. Right after I asked Greg to join us, I smelled marijuana. Uncle Greg was terminally ill for a while and loved his refer. Sometimes Lacy would act like she was playing with somebody and I'd smell that same odor so smelling it again at the vet's office... well, I took that as a sign that we were doing the right thing.

So long, Lacy. I hope you make it to human form next life. You certainly earned it!!!

Instead of writing...

2009-08-09T14:51:00.001-04:00

I've been catching up on my favorite blogs. I hate getting behind. It snowballs and then I miss so much. If I haven't paid you a visit in a while, please know I am thinking about you and will be stopping in shortly.

This past Thursday I went out of town to help out the treatment center I used to work at and didn't get back until yesterday afternoon. I am fortunate to have a boss that lets us switch shifts with each other and rearrange schedules. It was nice to see everybody... I had fun and the extra money will come in handy, especially when it comes time to pay the bill for this snazzy new mobile laptop. :)

Speaking of which, I have not been able to move my files from my old computer yet. My neighbor can't install my new motherboard until Tuesday and I'm afraid to even turn it on until that's done. I miss my files. I'm actually obsessing about them a little. Particularly this lovely piece of erotica I was working on to submit to G.V. that I am seriously freaking out about. But thanks to a really nice friend, I at least have 33 songs on here... enough to have a random six...

Nina Simone - Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood (the original. I love it!!!)
Fiona Apple - Criminal
Ray LaMontagne - Empty
Big Mama Thornton - Hound Dog
Roy Orbison - She's a Mystery to Me
Bobby "Blue" Bland - I Stand Accused

Waking by Kalidasa (350? - 430?)

2009-08-09T10:33:00.003-04:00

Even the man who is happy
glimpses something
or a hair of sound touches him

and his heart overflows with a longing
he does not recognize

then it must be that he is remembering
in a place out of reach
shapes he has loved

in a life before this

the print of them still there in him waiting

ETA: just in case you are interested, you can visit Kalidasa 's Wikipedia page to learn more about him.

Don't mind me, just a bunch of rambling...

2009-08-04T11:12:00.003-04:00

My computer has leaky capacitors and needs a new motherboard. And since the one I have is so old, I was told I would never be able to find a replacement so I will need to buy a processor as well. Newegg.com had a motherboard/processor combo for less than $100 which should be here on Friday and my neighbor will install it for me, so all is not lost. In the meantime, I had to suck it up and buy a laptop. I know I've been talking about it for about a year now, but I've been putting it off. My feelings about it are still mixed: I'm happy to have it and love it; I'm dreading having to pay for it. Then I remind myself that I do not shop EVER, in fact I'd rather do anything other than shop. My wardrobe is all inexpensive jeans and t-shirts, my house is decorated with furniture I have either found or bought at garage sales and refurbished and things I've inherited from family, I am one of those annoying people at the grocery check out with a big-ass stack of coupons, watching to make sure I'm not overcharged for sale items, I do not wear jewelry or spend a lot of money on cosmetics, I do not have a stereo and my television is older than dirt. Aside from some bills my ex-husband ran up in my name after we separated (~~asshole~~ meanie!!!) that are still in dispute, I am completely debt free. So I need to just enjoy this new laptop.

Life has been a little challenging, a little frustrating and disappointing, also very wonderful. I've been thinking so much about everything that I'm too sick of it to even talk about it in great depth.

The wonderful news is that my cat is officially cancer free. Earl fought and kicked colon cancer's ass! And he did it with an all-natural diet, lots of sleep, and vitamins. He's been in remission for a while, which was encouraging news, but to hear the words "no cancer" was the best news I've had in years. A great offline friend of mine had a successful surgery recently as well and is living pain-free for the first time since a car accident two years ago. What a true blessing. Great things are happening all around me and I still find myself feeling a little melancholy at times.

I still can't get this man out of my mind more than a year after he gave me the proverbial "thanks, but no thanks". What is wrong with me? No matter who I meet, no matter what is going on in my life, my thoughts wander back to him and I feel my heart tighten up. I still feel love for him and I want it to stop. No, I want him to change his mind, but since that is never going to happen, I'll settle for the stopping of the thoughts-wandering-heart-pulsing-the-beat-of-his-music thing. I'm not letting it stop me from moving forward though. Somewhere out there is somebody wonderful, I know because I've met a couple, and eventually I will meet another who will not lose interest and think I'm wonderful too. I think. I hope, anyway.

My niece, Lexi, had a birthday party last Sunday and I spent the entire day having loads of fun with family (and I mean that in both the most literal and sarcastic of ways, depending on which family member) so I missed doing the Random Six. You have no idea how many people are reading your blog until you forget to post something like that. I got passive-aggressive email ("I hope you are alright. I know you wouldn't miss the random six unless something were seriously wrong."), which was actually very flattering. I still can't believe people even read my blog. I was reading some of my old posts and man what a yawnfest. How can a person be so completely uninteresting and odd at the same time. I manage to be boring even when I'm strange. It's no wonder I've been alone and celibate for 4 years, 7 months, and 1 day. Yes, I've kept track.

No point to this post, really. Just getting stuff off my chest. I need to meditate more. I love you.

The REAL threat to the bunnies...

2009-07-27T12:38:00.003-04:00

is apparently me. Not Lacy or Zeke (though he thinks he is) nor Earl. Me. A beautiful bunny ran in front of my car as I was pulling out of my townhouse community and I didn't have time to stop. Now he is laying in a box beside my porch waiting for animal control to come and dispose of his body. I feel like shit. I'm sorry for taking your life, bunny. :(

Critters

2009-07-26T09:32:00.003-04:00

The rabbits, squirrels and chipmunks have eaten most of my garden. I don't blame them; that cabbage was looking pretty appetizing. I think that they think that I planted all those veggies just for them. They sit and watch me prune and pull weeds and don't run away no matter how close I get to them. They like when I try to whistle. I have to run toward them flailing my arms about to scare them before I can let the dogs out. Dog, rather. Lacy's arthritis is getting pretty bad; she didn't even give a bird a second look as she mosied past him the other day so I doubt she'd put much effort into chasing rabbits. Zeke, on the other hand... He's probably too old and fat to actually catch them though. Earl is the one they would really need to worry about if he weren't so afraid to leave the house after getting lost that time for three and a half weeks. I think he used up seven of his nine lives before I found him, disoriented and emaciated, under a car by my old house and was given his ninth when he kicked colon cancer this past year. He's not pushing his luck; he runs the opposite direction when I open the door now.

Anyway, I'm going to research the best friendly, non-toxic way to keep the cute furry critters away and pay my local nursery a visit. It stays warm through mid-December here so I may have time to start over.

You know, although I like all the music on my iTunes, it isn't really an accurate representation of what I typically listen to. I'm a blues, pre-1979 soul, funk and jazz lover. But it sounds so much better on vinyl than mp3 that aside from a song here or there and a few anthologies gifted to me, I don't have much of that on my computer.

Maybe next week I'll do my random six from my album collection. My son and I have this thing about choosing which movie we're going to watch by one of us closing our eyes and grabbing an agreed-upon number of DVDs and shuffling them behind our back then the other keeps choosing a hand until we're left with one. I can do that with records.

Angela McCluskey - Love is Stronger Than Death
Joe Cocker - Every Kind of People
Kate Bush - Rocket's Tail
The Stranglers - Golden Brown
Three Dog Night - Never Been to Spain
Tom Waits - Long Way Home

Hey I think we have a couple of repeats this week.

You are worth taking the time to get to know

2009-07-25T08:32:00.004-04:00

A very special person said those words to me last Monday. True to my tendency to ponder and analyze the meaning of everything, I did just that these past five days and have reached the conclusion that that seriously might be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Thank you. And thank you for backing up those words with your actions; I have not been judged by you, even after revealing some pretty terrible previous life choices and I really appreciate that. I would never judge you either. We are true friends. This may evolve into something more or it might not, I am happy either way. There is no rush. Taking the time is what matters. I just wanted to announce today that you too are worth taking the time to get to know.

[Comments are closed on this one. Sorry.]

This has been an up and down kind of week

2009-07-19T10:48:00.003-04:00

I found good homes for all three of the kittens I was fostering. The fluffy boy was the last to go; he was so afraid of people and presented a challenge nobody was willing to take on until my new friend Amanda came along. She and her husband operate a Pit Bull rescue and are used to frightened souls who need to be loved. I call her my new friend; honestly, I don't know if we'll ever talk again, but she touched me deeply and so I will always consider her a friend.

Early this week, I reneged on my vow to never go on another blind date again and ended up having a great time. We had a lot in common and laughed a lot, which was pretty awesome, but he didn't call for several days after. I was bummed but figured he wasn't interested so I just forgot about him. Then on Friday he called me at friggin' midnight! I was sleeping and have a 10 o'clock telephone cut-off rule that everybody knows I rarely make exceptions for, so naturally I'm thinking my grandmother or mother must be heading to the hospital again or there's been some other family tragedy. My heart started pounding! When I saw on the caller I.D. that it was him, I was so pissed. I didn't answer, obviously. He left a message and I returned his call the next morning and he acted all weird like why are you calling me? Fucker!!! I can't tell y'all how sick I am of this shit. Ugh. Basically, it was just a booty call. What made him think I was booty call material, I do not know. I don't present myself that way. I dress very conservatively and keep the conversation appropriate. I've been pondering, trying to figure out why he thought this.

Anyway, I've learned that you can tell how much a guy likes you by what time of the day and which day of the week he is willing to give to you and how much. If he's blowing you off or offering you the scrappy times, he's not really interested but is just keeping his options open just in case you may eventually give him pussy or talk to him when he's bored and doesn't want to be alone or whatever. I have no interest in being a back-burner woman. Men do seem to want to put me there though. I think I'm just looking for something deeper and more serious than most men are willing to work toward. I think I scare them.

Also, I repel men by saying the wrong thing. I know I've mentioned that disconnect between my brain and mouth before... it's still there. I try so hard to think about what I'm going to say before I say it and then it comes out nothing like I planned. *sigh* And sometimes because I'm just so determined to find my own happiness and live authentically, I end up doing things that seem insensitive.

Dwight Adams - Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood was the first song to play on my iTunes just now. How apropos.

You know, Dwight Adams never got enough love. Right now, in this moment, for me, this is the greatest song ever written. It resonates. I want to hear the other two renditions I have by Cyndi Lauper and Santa Esmeralda (from the Kill Bill Vol. 1 soundtrack), which isn't so random so they don't count. But I hope you listen to them anyway. :)

I'm trying to think of other highlights from my week to share... [redacted a few things I'd rather keep secret] Work was tough this week. I meditated twice as long and often as usual.

Look, a new ant hill popped up in my yard. They're just babies, obviously. Soon the hill will be huge and I won't be putting my bare foot anywhere near them. My foot is there to show you how small the hills are, by the way, not because I love that my big toe is crooked to the left just like my dad. :)

Today I'm going to Wilson to visit my mom and grandma. My brother Kevin's girlfriend is here visiting from Ohio so I'll get to know her a little better. She seems nice so far.

Here's the rest of the Random Six [here for one week]:

Electric Light Orchestra - Do Ya
Aretha Franklin - The House that Jack Built
Public Image Ltd. - Rise
Bill Withers - Take It All In and Check It All Out
Junior Wells - I Could Cry

I love to walk barefoot in the rain

2009-07-13T13:04:00.003-04:00

OK Ms. Bellona of Avalon, you asked for it:

My cherry toes. :) You can't see the rain, but it's there. I sat down in it and meditated. It was lovely.

William I tried, I really truly tried.

2009-07-12T16:25:00.004-04:00

Lazy day. I did not have to work and I am completely caught up on my crafts. Laundry is piled up, but I can get that done tonight.

My friend Linda and I went and got a pedicure today. Only one pedicurist was available so I soaked my feet and started my massage chair (it was awesome) while he started on Linda first. About a minute later Linda jerked her feet away from him and told him that she would wait for the female pedicurist to be available. He shrugged and turned toward me "you want I do yours?" Linda gave me that don't look and mouthed "he hates feet", nevertheless I decided (reluctantly) to trust him and nodded yes. But because I'm an even bigger baby than Linda, I asked him to repeat after me: "gentle. soft." He did and I had a wonderful pedicure. The only thing was he was so afraid of hurting me, he had settled on an ultra-light touch, totally activating my ticklishness. I kept laughing. But given that he does not understand moderation at all, I did not dare tell him to press harder. I almost kicked him when he started rubbing my calves, it was tickling so bad, but I just took a deep breath and it eventually subsided. He massaged my feet for the longest time, Linda whispered behind a magazine "Well he seems pretty fond of your feet." Then, at my request, he chose my nail polish color: cherry. My feet are all soft and pretty now.

While drying my nails and waiting for Linda to finish up, I had the best interaction with a woman and her two young granddaughters. The oldest of the two, only twelve, washes and walks dogs for her neighbors to make extra money and volunteers for her local animal shelter in Atlanta, GA. How cool is that? Her younger sister is anxious to turn twelve so that she can follow in her footsteps. They were both lovely, smart girls -- though the twelve year old was checking her cellphone like a crackhead looking out his window every fucking five seconds.

Random Six (available to listen for one week):

Sarah McLachlan - Wait
Patti Smith Group - Because the Night
Neil Young - Shock and Awe
Marvin Gaye - Let's Get it On
Johnny Cash - I've Been Everywhere
The Moody Blues - Nice to Be Here

Sorry I go two weeks without posting and then bore you to death. Maybe something exciting will happen soon.

Wait a minute. Something kind of exciting happened last night. I got a collect call from the Pitt County jail! My heart was pounding out of my chest. My mind obviously went to my son. It didn't help that he used to sneak out of his dad's house to drag race while he was in high school (i like to self-righteously believe that he couldn't have done it under my roof; denial is a mother's right. but i digress...) So I accept, prepared for the worst, and on the other end is a very scared boy named William who had dialed the wrong number. So I got his mother's name and number so I could call her to let her know that he was in jail, but her phone was disconnected. I tried it again today and it's still off. This is really bothering me. I hope they gave him another phone call and that he knows that I really did try my best to help him.

Taking a much needed break

2009-07-01T11:41:00.003-04:00

from recreational use of my home computer to focus on other things. Things like: tie-dyed shirts and bandanas, batik saris and wall hangings, Celtic knot bracelets, pillows, sculptures, soap and smutty (written) erotica. These are all things that I create, well primarily for pleasure, but also to sell. In the past my crafts only needed to provide minimal income, but that is about to change and I need to get busy now. Busy creating and also marketing. I'll be doing some weekend traveling and setting up booths to sell my creations; it's going to be fun and also scary since you never know how well you're going to do from town to town so I am also going to have to make a website. Exciting and scary, yes! Also necessary.

Come fall, my course load will be a whopping 17 hours! This means about 35 hours per week spent on school. Add to that my 30-hour work week and that doesn't leave me any time during the week to substitute teach, which I had planned to rely on to supplement my income, but this was before I decided that I'm tired of being in school and want to put the petal to the metal, so to speak, and get it over with, subsequently increasing my course load. I could probably teach on Friday, but the chance I'll be called to teach on the only day I am available is pretty slim; fewer teachers are taking days off these days as they have to pay for their sub out of pocket and money is tight. And even if that weren't the case, subbing one day per week would not bring in enough money to supplement my income. I'm still leaving the door open there though; I enjoy teaching and would do it for free truth told.

I started a new job a few weeks ago, the one I interviewed for last April. I love it. The pay isn't great, but it never is in my line of work. It's just nice to once again be working in a treatment facility that attempts to rehabilitate the children. I worked at a wonderful treatment center in Fayetteville, but the only job available when I moved here to Greenville was at a group home that does not rehabilitate, they simply put a roof over their heads. It is very frustrating to say the least. Kids, particularly the behaviorally & emotionally handicapped, need more than a meal and a bed. So, it feels great to be involved with providing treatment again and I am impressed by the professionalism of the staff here and by the organization as a whole; they go beyond what the law requires of them and provide excellent care. As usual, I've rambled my way to a place that has nothing to do with the original intent of my post. Sorry.

My new hours are nice and we have mandatory breaks; I am able to hop on the internet during my shift, like I am doing right now. So, I will still be dropping in on y'all periodically to stay connected, but not nearly as often as I have been. You can email me anytime at tantraflower@gmail.com if you want to say hello. I always love to hear from people and I always respond.

I will not be posting on my blog or Live Journal or Twitter, not that I did much posting anyway, but I need to spend every free minute I have caring for my grandmother, mother and my son, as well as my pets and my garden (which I still have not found time to upload pictures of...) and if I have a free half hour, I'd much rather meet a friend for tea and chess or call my dad. And then there's still the issue of my non-existent love life that I'd like to do something about, if there's any time left over. That always seems to get put on the back burner for some reason. Life is wild, isn't it?! lol

Y'all don't forget about me. I'll be back at some point. I'm not sure when, but I will return. I love you very much and I appreciate every person who has visited me here, whether you commented or not. Peace and love to you. Namaste.

P.S. I am starting my next 45-day challenge today. Thank you so much for your input, all those who chimed in with your suggestions. We had a four-way tie here and after consulting with my sister, I decided to exercise daily. If I can exercise every single day for 45 days, surely I can make myself do it four days per week when it's over. My zero sugar challenge was a huge success in that respect; after going 45 days without it, I rarely want it anymore and when I do I can only eat one or two bites. I'm launching my challenge today with a fifty minute Kundalini work-out when I get home and I'm looking forward to it. Thanks again!

Sharing some of my favorite blog posts from this past week

2009-06-28T10:45:00.004-04:00

Or posts that I either read or re-read this week, I should say, from my favorite bloggers.

I have never been so impressed with a blogger as I am with Andrew Sullivan. His extensive and exhaustive documentation of the recent events in Iran is nothing short of remarkable. This is the link to Day 11, chosen at random because I was having a hard time picking my favorite one, but don't be surprised if you find yourself hanging on every word of his previous and subsequent posts as well. Hats off to you, Sir!

The second beauty of being self-employed is giving. If employment only meant doing the job that you are paid to do, No More Mr. Nice Guy's statement wouldn't make much sense (and that subject alone is a separate blog post best left to better writers than myself). This post inspired me to pay for a stranger's coffee, a guy I would normally judge harshly for driving to work in his giant fuckyoumobile (you know the vehicles I'm talking about, the ones you can't fucking see around). Instead of feeling all negative about the guy, I left feeling all giddy and sneaky and I do love feeling sneaky (in a good way) and so this is a public thank you to Mr. Jay White, whom I suspect does not like comments on his blog because he doesn't like to receive thanks and doesn't like to look back and dwell on the shit that he writes. I totally understand, but too fucking bad, you're getting a Thank You anyway. :P

Scrabble getting old? The Gallery of the Absurd found something your whole family will enjoy.

Another blog post featuring the ubiquitous Burger King ad, except this one has a link to Subservient Chicken, possibly the most ridiculous marketing idea ever.

Choices Campus Blog reminds me of why I turned my back on PETA. No, I have not given up advocating for the humane treatment of animals, I just do it in an inviting, practical and respectful way. IOW, the total opposite of this.

Magiceye blogged about his day trip to Maharashtra Nature Park. Says Magiceye, "I love nature and wanted to peek into this heaven." Thank you for letting us have a peek too. :)

Nick Herbert of Quantum Tantra wrote a very interesting and concise piece: Unmeasuring the World. His blog also had a birthday this week so be sure to pop in with your best wishes.

Fellow math nerds will get a kick out of this xkcd offering.

My friend Wendy has a passion for letter writing blog that I just found out about this past week! How could I not have known about this?! *facepalm* I love it!!! And if you love to write letters -- or at least love the idea of writing letters -- you'll love it too.

The battle over The Battle for Fallujah. Not a blog post, but rather a Newsweek article posted on June 6th that I just read this week. Whether you agree with it or not, it is food for thought. Hat tip to Tony A. for the link.

More food for thought: The review of Ghost in the Machine that evolved into so much more. Be sure to wish Son of MCMLXXV a very Happy Birthday while you are there. I wish him a very Happy Birthday as well! xox

Thank you for all of the great reads, y'all. I enjoyed so many great blog posts this week, I'm sure I left out something totally brilliant. This was so much fun, I'd love to do it again sometime.

And here is the Random Six (available for your listening pleasure for one full week):

Peter Gabriel - We Do What We're Told (Milgram's 37)
Eva Cassidy - Autumn Leaves
The BoDeans - Rickshaw Riding
Sheryl Crow - Strong Enough
Muddy Waters - Can't Lose Nothin You Ain't Never Had
10,000 Maniacs - Don't Talk

And this is going to seem like an afterthought, but I assure you it isn't: I'd like to wish another Very Happy Birthday to one of my best and oldest friends (no pun intended on the old!) Johnny turns $# today and he going to be horrified by this, but screw it. I want to tell you guys about this: He actually gives his mother homemade art on his birthday every year to thank her for loving him just the way he is. Did your heart burst just a little there? Mine too. Mine too.

Wishing the birthday boys and all of you, my dear friends, a wonderful, beautiful day today!!!
XOXOXO

Please feel free to share your favorite posts, or one of your own posts that you're proud of, in the comments. :)

Dina tagged me

2009-06-23T11:03:00.005-04:00

And then I told her that if I didn't love her so much I would totally hate her right now and she "PROMISED" me that this would be fun. I'll let you know at the end if she was right or a big fat liar.

Here are the rules:

1. Respond and rework; answer the questions on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your invention & add one more question of your own.

2. Tag eight other people

What is your current obsession? The same obsession I've had since childhood: discovering a mathematical pattern in every thing I see. Notice I did not say THE pattern, I said A pattern; that is because sometimes I have to make nonsense make sense so that I can stop staring and go on with my life.

What are you wearing today? Deodorant, nail polish, lip gloss, and my standard uniform of faded jeans, fitted t-shirt and a tie-dyed bandana on my head that I made. The bandana I made, not my head (but I do derive a perverse pleasure from creating a doozy of a dangling participle... and run-on sentence for that matter, but I digress...). When I leave, I'll put sandals on too. Oh and I am wearing proper undergarments that support everything just fine without any bulges or anything (which is more than I can say for a couple of my coworkers, but I won't get into that here.)

What’s for dinner? Argh the one week I don't plan my menu ahead of time... !!! I'll probably make Spicy Mushroom Bolognese loaded with the fancy schmancy Parmesan cheese my mom gave me, a salad of sliced red peppers, zucchini, cucumbers and rosemary (from the garden) tossed with olive oil, lemon juice, and lots of garlic. Whichever fruit looks the best at Briley's today (probably peaches) for dessert.

What’s the last thing you bought? A subscription to RawFu magazine. Just last night. (no, I'm not a total raw foodie. No way. I love bread and pasta too much. I do eat about 80% raw though)

What are you listening to right now? Birds chirping. It's always the birds chirping. They fly into my stove exhaust through the outside of my townhouse to keep cool and feel protected. When I first moved here, I thought they were stuck, totally panicked, and removed the hood of my stove along with the fan and everything to try and get them out. This happened a few times, one of the birds flew into in my house and I put him back outside. Soon after, I realized they weren't stuck. They were probably all laughing their asses of at me.

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go? I just got a Dr. Bombay-esque image in my head (except I pop back with a jar of local sand rather than some inappropriately dressed nurse.) I'd hate to go somewhere I've never been and only stay one hour so I guess I'd like to revisit Newport Beach in California again. I lived there when I was a kid so that would be nice.

Which language do you want to learn? Italian

What do you love most about where you currently live? Lots of independently owned stores, plenty of grocery stores to choose from, lots of trees, the air smells so wonderful, I'm a fairly short drive from my grandma.

What is your favorite colour? The only color I can discern: Red (thank you colorblindness!)

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe? My oldest pair of jeans, but I can't wear them outside anymore because the holes in the top corners of the back pocks are the size of quarters now. I can't even wear them at home unless my son is gone or I tie a shirt or sari around my waist. I also love my ultra soft and comfy "I *heart* Irony" shirt. (Blogger sucks for keyboard symbols, by the way. Can't make hearts or check marks or anything fun!)

Describe your personal style? Pretty laid back most of the time, unless some O.C.D. thing is triggered, which you won't know about because I can keep cool while my brain is freaking out. So, yeah, laid back.

If you had $300 now, what would you spend it on? Well, the air conditioner in my car stopped working again and it's been in the 100's here, so I'd definitely fix that. I'd also fix the antenna so I can listen to something other than the four mix tapes Johnny and I made like six years ago (nothing against Jerry Harrison, love the guy, but damn it's getting OLD!)

What are you going to do after this? Walk to Briley's (the produce stand near my house.)

Your favorite smell? Gasoline (in case you were wondering if I really am as weird as I seem.)

Do you collect anything? Vinyl records, but for my listening pleasure so I don't care about the condition of the jacket and all that. If I like the music and the record doesn't skip, I'm a happy camper.

What makes you follow a blog? Authenticity of the blogger. I love people who are willing to just be themselves in this world and not worry about whether they sound cool or clever or whatever. Also, if a person follows me first, I will reciprocate. Because I have manners like that.

Do you like to comment on blogs or just lurk? I will comment if I feel welcome and comfortable doing so. I like to let people know that I was there and appreciate what they are sharing, but sometimes I don't comment if I notice that particular blogger never responds to me. That's the easiest way to tell if you are a welcome presence or just a nuisance, ya know. When you're usually the weird one in the room, you learn to pick up cues. lol But, that aside, if comments are enabled, I'll usually respond after I read.

What’s one thing you dream of doing? I want to thru-hike the Appalachian Trail.

What is your biggest regret? I only regret just enough to keep me from making the same stupid mistake again but not enough to hinder my existence. I also want to honor the growth from those mistakes. But I have to say, I wish I would have made more of an effort to visit my grandfather the weekend before the stroke that ended his life. I woke up still exhausted and called to tell him I just couldn't visit, that I would go the next weekend. The next weekend I had to visit him in the hospital. Two days later he was gone.

What is your favorite thing to do on a rainy day? Lie in bed. I love that line in Norah Jones' Come Away With Me "And I want to wake up with the rain falling on a tin roof while I'm safe there in your arms" Le sigh.

Do you have a tattoo? No way!

[redacting favorite books question because it is making my head explode and I listed some of them in my profile anyway]

[having difficulty replacing book question with one of my own. I'm sitting here going "what would people like to know about me?" and my answer is probably not a damn thing else. Y'all have heard enough about me to last a good long while and so I should skip this part!]

Are you left handed, right handed, ambidextrous, or a little of both? Right handed. I usually eat with my left hand though. My dad insisted that I eat with my fork in my left hand and my knife in my right. "If you want to finish your dinner, no fumbling around with the silverware!"

And the question I am adding for the next person is:

Do you play an instrument?

You know, the last couple of times somebody sent me one of these meme things, I opted not to tag anyone. Today I'm going to pass it along because 1) a few of my favorite bloggers appear to have writer's block and 2) it's always fun to get to know more about the people you like.

Tagging:
Bellona of Avalon
Julia
Sammy
Kadri
Sarah
Anna Rodriguez
Emmett (we can't let Sammy be the only boy in the group!)
Dina -- Yeah, that's right. I'm making you do this again! Because liars deserve to be punished! lol
ETA: oh, OK, I am just kidding. Dina you are off the hook.
I choose Wendy instead!

People who I resisted temptation to tag:

Ramesh - because he just answered many questions on the blog effect on journalism and I do not want to make him answer more questions, but please do stop by his blog and read his post. It's very interesting.
Johnny - you guys would love his answers, I'm sure, but he would have to create a blog to answer and I do not want to make him do that. lol
Deepak and Magiceye - because their blogs are photography themed and it did not seem an appropriate forum for a meme.

And a few others, but I need to post this so I can get my day moving.

ETA: I walked to the fruit stand this morning only to remember that it is Tuesday. Briley's is open Wednesday through Saturday. It's as if they just don't want to make money. Anyway, so then I had to drive to the supermarket where I found the most fragrant pineapple ever so it all worked out in the end.

Help me decide my next 45 day challenge, please?!?!

2009-06-21T21:00:00.004-04:00

I hope all the dads out there had a nice day today. My dad and I hadn't touched base (other than a quick email) in several days so I was pleasantly surprised to learn today that he hasn't had a drink (of alcohol) in more than seven days! Without getting too much into it, just know that this is wonderful news. The BEST news I could have ever wished for. So glad he's decided to stick around and fight! I love my dad. Was he a perfect dad? Absolutely not. He was even downright shitty at times, but he's human and he loves me. Besides, I contributed my fair share to the ups and downs we've had. I love my dad. I know, I already said that but I felt like saying it again. One more time: I love my dad!!!

I don't know what to write about.

Oh, I know one great good thing: I completed my 45 day sugar detox this past Monday at midnight. My son and I had a banana split date scheduled for Tuesday afternoon to celebrate. Let me tell you, I had been thinking about that banana split all day Monday and all Tuesday morning. And yet, when the time came to order I heard the words "root beer float" come out of my mouth. I was like well OK then I guess I want a root beer float. So, that's what I had. It was DELICIOUS! I couldn't eat but half of it though. Then about 2 hours later I ate a fig bar (the equivalent of about 2 Fig Newtons) and I felt nauseous. I didn't feel like having anything sweet until Friday... I ordered a pineapple shake, but, again, drank less than half of it and couldn't stand it any more. So, at the risk of counting my chickies too soon, I think I have finally licked my sugar addiction!

Now I want to challenge myself again!

Omg I am getting a sick feeling, like sea sickness, from listening to the song "Beyond" by The Moody Blues on headphones. Relief... much better... I had to skip over it.

Anyway... where, was I (my poor ears)... yes I want to challenge myself again. I've always loved to challenge myself, but sometimes have a habit of making my life challenging in not very positive ways. Not always, but sometimes. I'd like to keep the focus on good challenges to develop healthy habits. The idea is to either do or not do something for 45 straight days that is 1)good for me and 2)sort of hard but doable, in hopes of developing a positive habit that I'll be able to maintain most of the time thereafter. Like with the sugar thing... of course I'm not going to go my entire life without sugar, but instead of eating it daily, I now only eat it on rare occasions and in a small amount.

Based on some of my really bad habits or things that I just want to change, I've narrowed my next challenge possibilities down to these:

Not eating after 7:30 PM. When I gave up sugar, I noticed I was snacking in the evening quite a bit. A tablespoon of hummus is healthy. An entire fucking tub of hummus in two days? Not so much. So, I'm thinking nothing but water and green tea after 7:30.
Keeping my bedroom clean and free from clutter and making my bed in the morning.
Reading for one hour.
Exercising for 45 minutes.
Play the piano for an hour.
Spend an hour working on the quilts I've been trying to make for my nieces and nephew for an embarrassing amount of time now.
Eat 100% raw.
No Diet Mountain Dew
Be "Master of my Domain."

So, I'm leaving it up to y'all. Which one should I do? Remember, I have to do this every single day. I posed this question on my Facebook with no success. First of all, my mother didn't get my Seinfeld joke. Then I had people throwing ridiculous challenges at me "one year without blah blah blah" No. Not going without anything for one full year, sorry. lol

So, I'm hoping that y'all are more helpful. I'm also open to new suggestions, if you think it's appropriate for me. I'm starting on Wednesday, June 24th so please comment your vote before then. Thanks! I love y'all!!!

And now here is the Random Six:
[you can listen for 7 days]

Andrea True Connection - More, More, More (pt. 1) (there's a part 2? really?)
Junior Wells - Messin' with the Kid
Patty Griffin - Heavenly Day
X - Breathless
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Upon this Tidal Wave of Young Blood
Ryan Adams - Come Pick Me Up

One more thing I've been meaning to share for several days now: I would like to thank Grey Weirdo for bringing me the funny (<---click there) via his Live Journal. Admittedly the novelty has worn off over the past couple of days for me, either that or they need to learn to discriminate between ridiculous funny and ridiculous just plain stupid, but I'm still getting a kick out of it.

What happens when I have a little extra time on my hands...

2009-06-14T11:14:00.010-04:00

The obvious flaws with Flickchart are that you can only choose between the two films that they give you to choose from and they choose which films to face off against one another. As soon as Secrets & Lies has to face off against Annie Hall, Memento, Star Wars, or a number of other films in my top 100, I'll have a new #1. And I would definitely rate Kill Bill Vol. II higher than Vol. I or even Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade -- and Seven Samurai would crush all of them -- but neither KB2 or SS are in Flickchart's repertoire (they haven't appeared yet anyway.) Overall, I would agree that all of the films on the list they've created for me based on my ratings thus far would easily make my top 500, or possibly even my 250, but definitely not in the order that they placed them. Not that I'd ever be able to put them in proper order anyway... I change my mind too often as a result of my propensity to overanalyze shit. The scientific method is much better, I think, but it will take some time to get an accurate reading.

I've been playing with it for just over a week and here is where things stand after just under 2,000 ratings:

	Movie Title	Release Year	Director
1	Secrets & Lies	1996	Mike Leigh
2	The Good, the Bad and the Ugly	1966	Sergio Leone
3	Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade	1989	Steven Spielberg
4	Citizen Kane	1941	Orson Welles
5	Star Wars	1977	George Lucas
6	Annie Hall	1977	Woody Allen
7	Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan	1982	Nicholas Meyer
8	Being John Malkovich	1999	Spike Jonze
9	Pi	1998	Darren Aronofsky
10	Amadeus	1984	Milos Forman
11	Gandhi	1982	Richard Attenborough
12	The Killing Fields	1984	Roland Joffé
13	Pulp Fiction	1994	Quentin Tarantino
14	Kundun	1997	Martin Scorsese
15	Midnight Cowboy	1969	John Schlesinger
16	Taxi Driver	1976	Martin Scorsese
17	Blow Out	1981	Brian De Palma
18	Fargo	1996	Joel Coen
19	The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring	2001	Peter Jackson
20	Boogie Nights	1997	Paul Thomas Anderson
21	Memento	2001	Christopher Nolan
22	North by Northwest	1959	Alfred Hitchcock
23	Bringing Up Baby	1938	Howard Hawks
24	On Golden Pond	1982	Mark Rydell
25	Donnie Darko	2002	Richard Kelly
26	On the Waterfront	1954	Elia Kazan
27	The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King	2003	Peter Jackson
28	The Limey	1999	Steven Soderbergh
29	Dog Day Afternoon	1975	Sidney Lumet
30	Close Encounters of the Third Kind	1977	Steven Spielberg
31	The Empire Strikes Back	1980	Irvin Kershner
32	Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind	2004	Michel Gondry
33	The Shawshank Redemption	1994	Frank Darabont
34	Vertigo	1958	Alfred Hitchcock
35	Ordinary People	1981	Robert Redford
36	Casablanca	1943	Michael Curtiz
37	Star Trek: The Motion Picture	1979	Robert Wise
38	2001: A Space Odyssey	1968	Stanley Kubrick
39	Crimes and Misdemeanors	1989	Woody Allen
40	Clash of the Titans	1981	Desmond Davis
41	Network	1977	Sidney Lumet
42	Laura	1944	Otto Preminger
43	The Conversation	1974	Francis Ford Coppola
44	The Crying Game	1992	Neil Jordan
45	Deliverance	1972	John Boorman
46	Short Cuts	1993	Robert Altman
47	The Dead Zone	1983	David Cronenberg
48	Chinatown	1974	Roman Polanski
49	Five Easy Pieces	1970	Bob Rafelson
50	What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?	1962	Robert Aldrich
51	The World According to Garp	1982	George Roy Hill
52	MAS*H	1970	Robert Altman
53	Bound	1996	Andy Wachowski
54	Gosford Park	2002	Robert Altman
55	The Godfather Part II	1974	Francis Ford Coppola
56	The Silence of the Lambs	1991	Jonathan Demme
57	The Apartment	1960	Billy Wilder
58	The Birds	1963	Alfred Hitchcock
59	Amélie	2001	Jean-Pierre Jeunet
60	Spider-Man 2	2004	Sam Raimi
61	Reservoir Dogs	1992	Quentin Tarantino
62	Out of Sight	1998	Steven Soderbergh
63	Capote	2006	Bennett Miller
64	Smokey and the Bandit	1977	Hal Needham
65	Run Lola Run	1999	Tom Tykwer
66	Some Like It Hot	1959	Billy Wilder
67	High Fidelity	2000	Stephen Frears
68	Monsters, Inc.	2001	Pete Docter
69	The Usual Suspects	1995	Bryan Singer
70	The Sting	1974	George Roy Hill
71	Dial M for Murder	1954	Alfred Hitchcock
72	Rocky	1976	John G. Avildsen
73	Terms of Endearment	1983	James L. Brooks
74	Kinsey	2005	Bill Condon
75	Adaptation	2003	Spike Jonze
76	Rear Window	1955	Alfred Hitchcock
77	Doctor Zhivago	1965	David Lean
78	Bananas	1971	Woody Allen
79	Rebecca	1940	Alfred Hitchcock
80	Amores Perros	2000	Alejandro González Iñárritu
81	A Clockwork Orange	1972	Stanley Kubrick
82	GoodFellas	1990	Martin Scorsese
83	Notorious	1946	Alfred Hitchcock
84	Cool Hand Luke	1967	Stuart Rosenberg
85	Marathon Man	1976	John Schlesinger
86	Seven Years in Tibet	1997	Jean-Jacques Annaud
87	Easy Rider	1969	Dennis Hopper
88	Brokeback Mountain	2005	Ang Lee
89	The Straight Story	1999	David Lynch
90	Enter the Dragon	1973	Robert Clouse
91	Kill Bill Vol. 1	2003	Quentin Tarantino
92	The Godfather	1972	Francis Ford Coppola
93	Rope	1948	Alfred Hitchcock
94	Blue Velvet	1986	David Lynch
95	The Shining	1980	Stanley Kubrick
96	Cinema Paradiso	1990	Giuseppe Tornatore
97	American History X	1998	Tony Kaye
98	Escape from Alcatraz	1979	Don Siegel
99	A Streetcar Named Desire	1951	Elia Kazan
100	American Beauty	1999	Sam Mendes

Given the number of films in their database and the current rate that they've been adding films, the percentage of films I've already discarded (haven't seen) and the percentage of films I'll likely discard in future ratings, I've determined that I will need to rate approximately 116,880 more times before having an accurate Top 100. My average rate time is 1.4 seconds, so it will take me 163,632 seconds (or 45 hours and 45 minutes) to accomplish this. I can only devote 20 minutes per day, so I'll have to get back to you around October 30th.

And now the Random Six:

[removed after 7 days]
XTC - Dear God
You're the One - Shane McGowan & the Popes (hey, a repeat! finally!!!)
The Pretenders - Mystery Achievement (my favorite by them, squeee!!!)
Van Morrison - I'll Be Your Lover Too
Ray Charles - Night Time is the Right Time
Jon Brion - Here We Go (not a random six repeat, but I did share this over a year ago I think. If not here, then on Live Journal. I'll have to check.)

The above estimation is all rubbish, by the way. Well the 1.4 seconds part and how long it would take me to rate 116,880 movies is true, but the 118,880 number is bullshit, rendering it all rubbish.

In the rightwingoverse...

2009-06-09T22:08:00.003-04:00

I really should post a Tantra video

2009-06-07T19:36:00.006-04:00

Earlier today, I had a half hour to kill before taking my son to see Angels and Demons (not as bad as I was expecting. 6 1/2 out of 10 stars for me) so I decided to peruse my Google Reader. Dina got me wondering what kind of keywords lead people to my blog, so I finally ventured into my Webmaster Tools to find out. Sadly, I had no keywords as great as "Sicilian tits", but a few made me laugh. For instance: if you want to find out how to delete somebody from your Twitter (and you're too stupid to click on that big-ass button that says "remove" in your following/followers display) you may do a Google search for how to delete people on twitter and be lead to this post. hehehe It warms my heart to no end to know that I am, in however minuscule a way, helping to make the Twitterverse a better place. Le sigh.

So I was going to show you my search queries and then write all about everything I did this past weekend and tell y'all about my new camera... then I made the mistake of thinking that I should put a circle around one particular result. Damn O.C.D.:

So that's how I spent my writing time. And as you can see, I suck at Paint. I have tried and tried to learn how to use that pencil and, like crochet, it may just be one of those things that I'll never do well but will keep enjoying nevertheless.

Now I have so much to do. Love y'all. xoxoxo

And here's the Sunday Random Six:
[you can listen for 7 days]

Marvin Gaye - I Want You
T. Rex - Bang a Gong
Morrissey - Everyday is Like Sunday
Big Audio Dynamite II - Rush
Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers - Don't Come Around Here No More
Ella Fitzgerald - Night and Day

David Carradine found dead in Thailand

2009-06-04T10:41:00.006-04:00

Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am at work and so I can't say much and am heartbroken to the point of being speechless anyway. Kwai Chang Caine is dead.
AP story via Yahoo News.

David Carradine
(born John Arthur Carradine)
December 8, 1936 - June 3, 2009

May it not be so long before we are graced with your soul once again. Namaste

Did I ever tell y'all my owl story?

2009-06-04T08:59:00.006-04:00

I shared this with some friends on Live Journal this morning and thought maybe you guys might find it amusing.

Around 1993ish I was driving down the road in my grandfather's pickup truck when I started hearing all kinds of racket in the cab. The truck had been sitting in grandpa's driveway for a few months so I figured it may just be an animal that had decided to make the cab his home. Not that unusual when you live in the sticks. The top hatch that latches to the gate was open, anything could have crawled in there. I figured it was probably a possum.

Anyway, so I pulled into a parking lot to let the poor critter out and, let me tell you, by then the noise was deafening! The banging and the shrieking... As I approached the gate, it became clear that whatever was in the cab had wings and was flailing about violently. I was so afraid he was going to hurt himself! I opened the gate and saw...... AN OWL?! I quickly got out of the way, but he would NOT fly out! Then I saw blood. :( So, I closed the cab back up and rushed him to the only vet office in town and roused the veterinarian from her sleep (her house was behind her clinic). She called Wildlife, they came and took him away for treatment and rehabilitation, but not before tranquilizing him first. He was so scared. Poor guy. A few days later he was released. I'll never know how the hell he managed to fly into the back of my grandpa's truck though.

I had many more strange experiences driving down that country road, including an Irish Setter flying into my windshield, being shooed away by a big-gummed woman doing a low crawl searching for her teeth in the pitch of night, and, my personal favorite, a little boy being dragged by two big pigs on leashes.

This, folks, is why I don't get angry with the country bumpkin stereotypes.

5 o'clock in the morning? Really?

2009-05-31T12:13:00.002-04:00

I am on my way to pick up my dear young'n. He went out with some friends he went to high school with last night and ended up knocking on my mother's bedroom window at 5:00 AM. I'm interested to find out the whys and hows of this, but am glad that he at least went to a safe place.

I'll check on the garden while I am there. Deepak asked for some photos. I'd love to post some! I am getting a new camera this week and will take pictures to share next weekend, OK. I'm not as talented with the camera as Deepak is, but I will hopefully get some good captures. :)

and here is the random six:
[you can listen for 7 days]

The Moody Blues - One More Time to Live
Muddy Waters - Rollin Stone
Supertramp - Downstream
Susan Tedeschi - Can't Leave You Alone
Simon and Garfunkel - Cecilia
Madonna - Deeper and Deeper

Intimacy

2009-05-31T11:04:00.002-04:00

From the blog of Suzie Heumann, founder of tantra.com:

"Doing ‘things’ together does not equal intimacy. Intimacy is the act of showing one’s self to another. It is about being vulnerable and about revealing personal information about one’s self. Intimacy doesn’t occur just between lovers, either. Friends, co-workers, family members and neighbors all require different levels of intimacy. Being intimate with another person heals you and it helps heal them, too. We all want to feel connected, valued and meaningful to others. Scientists understand that it is what keeps us young at heart, healthy and living longer lives." Read more...

Maybe I'll go ahead and vacuum properly after all

2009-05-30T13:37:00.005-04:00

What I need to do today:

Get to the produce stand by 2 because they won't be open again until Wednesday morning at 10 and will be closing right about the time that everybody gets off of work. They don't even have a farm share program. Apparently a marginal profit is still profit and therefore good enough. Yay them.
Vacuum my carpet and the space between the carpet and baseboard, as well as the baseboards themselves, thoroughly.
Dust everything in my living room, save for my DVDs as I would only be tempted to waste precious time reorganizing them in some way... alphabetizing them by director sounded like a good idea at the time, but has turned out to be really stupid and impractical. But I cannot do anything about that today. My time is limited.
Sweep and mop my floors.
Take bags of stuff to the thrift store.
Drop recyclables off.
Write and send: a letter to my mammy, friendship cards to Robin and Will, and a sympathy card to Lou and Faith.
Dinner with Phyllis.
Read the newspaper.

What I will actually end up doing:

Get to the produce stand at the last minute.
Give the carpet a once over.
Reorganize my DVDs alphabetically, once again, and contemplate purchasing duplicate copies of films by my favorite directors so that both of my OCD quirks will be satisfied.
Spot mop around the stove and front door.
Put recycle and donation bags in the trunk of my car.
Write letters this evening and they won't go out until Monday.
Put that "I don't want to go out tonight" vibe out into the universe and hope that Phyllis picks up on it. She won't, of course. So I'll be trying to hold down my samosas while listening to shitty diaper and pimple-backed husband tales and woes.
Start to read a story that I want to read in spite of the fact that I have no idea what it's about. This apparently involves reading two other stories first (or possibly two full series, not sure yet) but I enjoy the author's writing so it won't be torture or anything.
Drink two glasses of red wine.
Find unnecessary quotation marks and apostrophe abuse in today's fliers and make fun of them on the internet.

I'm on day 29 of my 45 day sugar detox. Did I say earlier that black coffee was starting to taste good? My taste buds have regressed. Either that or Eight O'clock brand coffee is just so superior that it has ruined me for plain old Folgers (which I would hate because then that makes me one of those persnickety people that I can't stand). Either way, I choked on it this morning and I don't even have a gag reflex so that should tell you how god-awful it tasted.

My garden is really growing. I worked on the garden at mom's yesterday afternoon. The kohlrabi and squash are really going to town. Everything here at the apartment is doing well too. I think I'm finally getting the hang of this. I haven't killed anything yet!

There is a visible layer of dog fur lining the perimeter of my hallway. Maybe I should take ten minutes to do something about that...

I'm not inspired to write about any one thing in particular

2009-05-24T11:53:00.008-04:00

A lot of lessons learned this week, previous lessons reinforced, lots of reminders of what really matters in life. Not wanting to go into details for fear it'll turn too wordy, but here are some of the highlights:

Telling people that the erotic section of Craig's List should be shut down because streetwalking is much safer probably isn't such a good idea.
Neither is presenting the ridiculous notion that homosexuality caused the extinction of dinosaurs and the dodo bird as fact.
Irony and sarcasm are lost on most. Don't attempt this type of humor unless you're certain you're in like-minded company.
Sometimes when babies cry, they're just frustrated and want to vent.
Diet Mountain Dew and True North pistachio crisps, while individually delicious, taste terrible together.
Green smoothies are yummy.
Colorblindness has its perks.
Don't be in such a hurry at the gas station.
Gas caps should have blinking lights or tracking devices attached.
Dogs are not self aware. They'll never understand or care that they weigh 120 pounds or that entering your personal space and passing gas is not OK. It just won't happen.
I'm proud of being the kind of person who turns her music down at stoplights.
People who love you want to be worthy of your time and attention and know that you care. Nothing else matters.
Show, don't tell.
Broccoli is sweet. I never knew this until I went on this sugar fast. Twenty-two of forty-five days down and staying strong.
I'm willing to be alone as long as it takes to meet the right man, with healthy self esteem, who will value and appreciate me.
I've never gone without because I left a good tip or gave a stranger in need a buck.
A choice between calling a friend to tell them I love them or watching another Seinfeld re-run is no choice at all.
My ego is not my friend.
Rod Stewart should have quit while he was ahead.
Take the expiration date on the half and half seriously. They fucking mean it.
In those moments that you're home alone, it's OK to run around nude. Just make sure your son gets off at work at 11 instead of, say, 9:00. That's a very good idea.

And here's the Sunday random six:
[you can listen for 7 days]

Aretha Franklin- Baby, I Love You
INXS - Burn for You
Hot Chocolate - You Sexy Thing
The Partridge Family - I Think I Love You
Concrete Blonde - Still in Hollywood
Billy Preston - Nothing from Nothing

International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia

2009-05-17T14:26:00.015-04:00

The following video and excerpt was sent in to Pam's House Blend by Kenneth Tan and was posted by Louise, who is, like me, another straight for LGBTQ rights.

[eta: just realized that the video didn't post. oops. fixed.]

Here is the accompanying presser which reads in part:

359 people from 48 countries take part in massive global web video project to mark the IDAHO 2009
05.17.2009 - A global project to create a public awareness video for the International Day Against Homophobia & Transphobia (IDAHO) on May 17 has attracted the participation of 359 people from 48 countries across six continents around the world. The groundbreaking project is a joint undertaking of the Paris-based IDAHO Committee and the social network Gays.com, attracting 50,000 people to its website within a month.
In April, members of the global LGBT community were invited to step out in front of the camera and in their own language introduce themselves, state where they are from and how proud they are to be gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. The result is a video that sends the powerful message that LGBT individuals are present in every country, every society and every corner of the world. Participants submitted videos in all of the world's key languages, including Afrikaans, Arabic, Cantonese, English, French, German, Indonesian, Italian, Japanese, Korean, Malay, Mandarin, Portuguese, Russian, Spanish, Tamil and even American Sign Language.

Love this video and amazed at the incredibly simple, effective and positive message consistant [sic] throughout the clip: "I Am Proud To Be Gay."

I am proud to be an ally and share this here today."

Well I am proud to be an ally too, Louise.

And here is the Sunday Random Six:

[you can listen for 7 days]

Otis Redding - Rock Me Baby

Muddy Waters - Still a Fool

Paul Butterfield Blues Band - Two Trains Running

The Rolling Stones - Emotional Rescue

Timmy Thomas - Why Can't We Live Together

Scritti Polliti - Perfect Way

What a coincidence... totally apropos that last song should come up. Perfect Way is the custom ring tone my friend Dave's husband uses to recognize Dave's calls. (and here's a cute post-hernia-surgery anecdote from Dave regarding said ring tone) They've been together for 13 years, married the first time California gave them the civil right to do so, then their marriage was taken from them, then the CA Supreme Court gave it back, only to have a bunch of "loving Christians" collect enough signatures to put Prop. 8 on the ballot and now their marriage hangs in the balance. They, along with tens of thousands of other couples, are still waiting for the California Supreme Court to do their job and acknowledge that 1)we have a separation of church and state in this country and all citizens deserve the same civil protections and freedoms 2)it isn't fair to put the rights of minorities up to a majority vote. I am hopeful, but we'll see what happens.

Today marks five years that gay marriage has been legal in Massachusetts. Good for them! Heterosexual marriages in Mass., and everywhere else for that matter, remain every bit as sacred as the people within the marriages make them. So stop hating the gays and make mad passionate love to your spouse tonight.;)

In other news, my son, in spite of his excellent health, strength, qualifications, dedication to this country and exemplary professionalism, is still not allowed to serve in our military because he kisses boys. By the way, yay Uruguay!!! (thanks, Johnny for the link. xo)

I wish people would choose love, acceptance, fairness, and justice over fear and theology. I really, really, really do.

The Twitter Police

2009-05-16T21:30:00.006-04:00

It's been a while since I posted last. School is out for the semester -- college that is -- I still have a couple of substitute jobs lined up before the end of the school year for the children. I've received eight emails asking why I didn't post my random six last Sunday... I'm sorry guys. Life's just been happening and, honestly, the internet has been the last thing on my mind. But I love all of you and am sending positive, peace vibes your way. I will be sure and post the random six tomorrow. Pinky swear. :)

For now, if you sympathized with my recent Twitter rant you will enjoy this video...

In retrospect, doesn't this poster seem a little creepy?

2009-05-04T18:22:00.002-04:00

Happy Star Wars Day!

I would have rather seen the Dalai Lama, but at least I have cabbage to look forward to...

2009-05-04T09:54:00.037-04:00

I had tons to do this weekend, but I would have gladly put it all off for an opportunity to visit Berkley or New York City and hear H. H. the Dalai Lama speak. Thanks to Yahoo Alerts, I have plenty of articles to read about the visit. Here are two short ones you might enjoy:

7,000 Greet Dalai Lama at Greek Theater (Berkley, CA): “In order to understand reality, we need a holistic approach,” he said, later praising American citizens’ for their desire for peace. “Today peace cannot be achieved through prayer. We must achieve peace through ourselves—through non violence,” he said. (Read the full article here.)

More repression causes more resentment: Dalai Lama (New York City): “Please do not go under depression because of the current situation. We do not have to be cowed down,” the Tibetan leader said. (Read the full article here.)

Since I couldn't be there, this is what I did here:

Friday night I did housework. Robin called to ask me what I was going to be doing and I, sensing that she was about to suggest that we try and catch that movie Obsession, the exact movie that I do not want to see and was thrilled when our plans to see it the first time were spoiled, I real quick blurted out, "I have to stay home to do housework and rest up for gardening at my mom's tomorrow." So then I had to do housework so that I would not be a liar. My bathroom needed to be cleaned anyway. I'm pretty sure that the inside of the toilet bowl isn't supposed to have red stipes in it. lol

Saturday morning I put the dogs in the car and off we went to my mom's so they could run in the yard while I worked in the garden. Mom and Grandma have an acre to grow on and, very kindly, allowed me to talk them into hosting a huge garden that we can share. I weeded and watered a little, but mom's been staying on top of that part...she enjoys it, it's easy for her to do, and relieves her arthritis pain. What she needed from me was to do the heavy stuff that she is just not able to do anymore, like digging up old tomato cages and transplanting the bushes that were being crowded out by the heather. After being sore for a week from HAMMERING A BUNCH OF LARGE BOX PLANTERS TOGETHER, Mom finally learned her lesson and now asks for help! I'm proud of her for that, it isn't easy for an independent person such as herself to do. She needed me to transplant a half a dozen plants that are pretty small, but, surprisingly, a real chore to dig up. The roots were really wide and deep and the ground was full of worms so I had to be careful not to kill them (the worms) (but also the plants) in the process. You should see this soil: it is so dark and rich and absolutely beautiful. If Mom didn't love the heather so much, I'd suggest replacing it with another root-vegetable garden.

After transplanting the plants to the front of the house, it was on to the tomato cages. I kept digging and digging and pulling and pulling and they were STUCK! I finally turned to her and said, "exactly how deep did you bury these damn things?" And she said, "well, about a foot, but then it was muddy at the time so they may have sunk a little." May have? A little? You think? LOL Finally her neighbor John saw me from across the field and took pity on me, came over and offered to pull them up with his tractor as soon as he got over his cold. After thirty minutes of digging and pulling, I was more than willing to accept his generous offer!

Then we, all grubby and muddy, went out to eat Mexican food, went to the grocery store, stopped in Books-a-Million (a store I loathe, but what Mom wants, Mom gets), picked up Grandma's prescription from Walgreens, and went by the local nursery to see if they had any lavender plants. They don't, but may have some coming in this Thursday so we'll try back. My mom's cousin Julie came over to spew racial slurs, hatred of single mothers (who did not abort their babies, btw) receiving food stamps, and hatred in general laced with right-wing paranoia upon us while I gave my grandma a pedicure. When she left, my life-long Democrat grandmother noted that her visits are becoming less and less enjoyable. Mom and I agreed. We still love her though because she's family. I also feel sorry for her because, can you imagine walking around with that much hatred and fear in you 24/7? My God. Anyway, Grandma's toes looked pretty when I was done and then it was time for me to get going.

Once home, I had to babysit a three-month-old baby so that my co-worker and her husband could go out for their 2nd Anniversary. Side question: Does it seem as funny to you as it does to me when people name their babies grown-up sounding names? This baby's name is Phil. This is the second baby named Phil that I've had the pleasure of knowing. I've also known 2 Bills. There are others, but their names escape me right now. It's just odd to me. Well, Phil was a sweet baby, but he didn't sleep as his mother had promised and wanted to be held from the time he was dropped off (8ish) until midnight when he was picked up. I finally had to make a sling out of a sheet and do the over-the-shoulder-around-the-waist tie thingy so that I could carry him around with me everywhere I went.

I slept so good that night, I don't even remember my dreams.

Yesterday, Sunday, I planted the last of my little apartment garden. Wilson is a 40 minute drive so I want to grow a few things here that I use a lot of to have on hand. I planted 1 basil, 1 mint, 1 rosemary, 6 cabbage plants and 12 spinach plants in the front of my apartment behind my bushes. Just enough sun gets in there and the bushes block my little garden from view of everyone except my next-door neighbor, Ben, who has already been given carte blanche to the garden, including my tomatoes and peppers in the back yard because he has been making sure that I don't kill everything. Y'all know I've killed a cactus before... this gardening is not a natural gift, but rather a necessity (and something I've come to enjoy, truth told.) Also, Ben plants the pretty flowers that are the first thing I see when I step out into the world and come home, which always puts a smile on my face.

I watched the Amazing Race last night. I don't want to get started. Love the show, but it's painful to see ignorance and people behaving badly in action. I'm not talking about the general frustration of Margie, that I understand and she should be cut some slack. I'm talking about Jamie's constant whining and complaining that nobody speaks English (DUH!!!!). Actually, she doesn't just whine and complain, she actually yells at them and treats them like they're stupid and should be ashamed! WTF?!!! I had to pray and meditate to not hate this girl. The finale is next week so I won't have to endure much more of her.

I am no longer craving caffeine, but now I have taken myself off of refined sugar as well so I'm craving that instead. I'm in search of equally delicious recipes using natural alternatives. My new friend Barefoot is teaching a class on May 12th and I'm really looking forward to that.

And here is the Random Six, a day late:
[you can listen for 7 days]

The Bee Gees - Stayin' Alive
Nancy Sinatra & Lee Hazlewood - Some Velvet Morning
The Moody Blues with The London Festival Orchestra - Dawn: Dawn is a Feeling
Muddy Waters - Sugar Sweet
Shivaree - Goodnight Moon
Peter Gabriel with Kate Bush - Games Without Frontiers

Caffeine withdrawals make one a tad testy

2009-04-30T19:53:00.008-04:00

Twitter - I'm totally over the being irritated at people who tweet 1,000 times per day. It's their thing, they love it, I get that, don't fault them for it. Taking back the self-centered comment. That was mean. I just can't follow people who tweet a whole bunch because then my mother yells at me that I didn't see her witty tweets that morning or I don't find out that one of my closest and dearest friends is at the hospital giving birth to her 4th daughter.
I don't understand the Twilight obsession. Not that I'm supposed to. I'm 42.
I'm just remembering that I had to walk out after 18 minutes of Interview with the Vampire back in '94. I've never been able to stomach the whole drinking blood thing.
The only exception to this rule was The Hunger when I was a teenager and I must have watched it a dozen times. Probably because David Bowie was in it and I had a bit of a girl crush on Catherine Deneuve.
Taking note of the fact that I haven't developed a crush on a celebrity since then; a fact I'm quite proud of actually.
It would be nice to have a crush on a person in my real life who maybe has a crush on me too, but also realizing that I have a habit of walking with my head down.
I'm still feeling irritable from caffeine withdrawals, but it's subsiding. When I consume caffeine, I get the jitters and feel nauseous so I have no choice but to stick this out. I'll probably be mean again at some point. Please accept my apologies in advance.
Fuck decaffeinated coffee.
My dad caught a big rainbow trout in the lake behind his house. He sent me a picture. See:

I know as a Buddhist, I'm supposed to be horrified by this. But the truth is, I still eat fish and some of my favorite childhood memories are of fishing with my dad. I'll never fish again though. Why is a story for another day (making note to self.)

I have homework and laundry to do, tea to drink, and The Office to watch soon.

I hope you're having a good night. Namaste

I delete people from my Twitter feed that talk too much

2009-04-30T13:00:00.012-04:00

Because yappy people bury the tweets from people that I actually care about.

I can only hop on Twitter a couple of times per day, sometimes every other day, and it's gotten to the point where finding my friends' posts has become more of a Where's Waldo experience, except less fun. And way more difficult! The most irritating thing is that the most effusive are people I don't even know.

Basically, the list of people I am following on Twitter can be categorized into three groups:

1)Friends (both internet and "real" life)
2)My personal interests, e.g., my local newspaper, my community (greenvillenc), Buddhist or Tantra links, political, environmental causes, an Abe Vigoda impersonator because he says funny things like "I fought Chuck Norris and I'm still alive!"
3)Reciprocated follows. When a total stranger follows me, unless they are selling something I don't want, I add them back. It seemed like the polite thing to do at the time. I blame my mother.

Groups 1 and 2 can be as yappy as they want to be because I care about what they have to say. But you know what? They aren't the ones tweeting 578938475 times a day. It's group 3 that apparently thinks a bunch of strangers are supposed to care what they are doing every single minute of every day. Guess what... I do not care that your husband didn't fill up the icecube tray as full as you think it should be (be fucking happy he tried, OK, you fucking nitpicking, ungrateful HAG, at least you have a husband), or that your dinner is not agreeing with you, or that you are pissed off about American Idol, or that you think Wrigley's Doublemint gum loses its flavor too fast... I don't even like gum...in fact, I have a rather weird and intense aversion to it. It's not even allowed in my house and I don't fucking want to hear about your disgusting, flavorless gum.

This morning I had to go through thousands of trivial tweets from people I don't know just to find out that one of my best friends went into labor last night! I'm not blaming anybody but myself; I am the one who, for the sake of "politeness", added these Chatty Cathies. But I'm still irritated right now and I plan to sit with my irritation until I'm damn well ready to get over it. What kind of self-centered person thinks people care what they are doing/thinking/feeling every second of every day? Seriously. I guess I just answered my own question: a self-centered person, that's who!

I'm left with no choice but to exempt Twitter from my usual practice of reciprocation.

I already stopped following a half dozen or so of these Chatty Cathies and as soon as I get home from work (I'm on my lunch hour right now), I'm going to delete several more.

And from now on, if somebody follows me, I am checking their profile to see 1) how often they tweet and 2) if what they have to say is of any relevance to me ( i.e., I actually KNOW them [ETA - or want to know them] in some way) before I follow them back.

I'm truly sorry if I offended any Twitter addicts here. Look, if it makes you happy, by all means tweet away a thousand times a day. We all have our vices. Just remember that some of us have our limits, too. ;)

That is all.

Weekend randomness

2009-04-26T10:16:00.017-04:00

Last night my friend Robin, a different Robin than you may have seen posting in my comments here, called me up and asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner and see the movie Obsessed. I've seen the trailer for that movie and it did not look to be my cup of tea at all; I usually hate movies that pit women against each other. But of course I said yes. I'm pretty much a homebody and needed to get out. And it had been far too long since we last saw each other and I was really missing her.

Several months back Robin had mentioned, rather casually, that she had lost a little weight. But when I'd ask her about it she'd always say, "well, you know, it's a struggle" so I thought that maybe the weight loss wasn't going so well. Boy did she fool me. Let me tell y'all...she had lost 100 pounds! 100 pounds!!! I was shocked! And so proud of her! But we were too hungry to dwell on it for too long.

We went to a nice Thai restaurant. The food was delicious, but the owner was very rude. He barked at my friend to pick up the food that she had dropped from her plate! I said that that was a dick thing for him to do and he punished us by making us wait a very long time for our check, even after I told him that we had a movie to catch. What a cocksucker, seriously. I gave him a bad review on Yahoo this morning. Anyway, so we got to the cinema just in the nick of time and the line was loooooooong! It's been so long since I've been to the movies on a Saturday night, I had completely forgotten about that. The line moved quickly though and we decided to skip the snack bar to save more time. Then we get into the theater and there is not a single seat to be found. Zero seats. They offered to let us see a different movie, but nothing was starting for another hour so we just got a refund and came back to my house, poured a glass of red wine and watched Bridget Jones's Diary. I had forgotten how funny that movie is. Hilarious! I was up way past my bedtime, but had a nice time.

I forgot to mention that Robin also surprised me with a belated birthday gift: a beautiful necklace from her sister's store. I was very touched that she would do such a thing and I put on right away. It felt weird because I don't usually wear any jewelry at all. I love to make bracelets and necklaces, love to give them to other people, but I do not wear any jewelry at all -- not even earrings or rings. This necklace is very special though and I will make a point to wear it every chance I get.

On the subject of friends, will y'all please say a prayer for my dear friend R. Ramesh as he is on vacation for a whole month and doing some traveling?

And on the subject of prayers, please say one for my brother Kevin as well? He needs peace. I do not want to get into why, but it would be very much appreciated.

I also did some gardening this weekend. On Tuesday I will go to Wilson to help tend to the garden that my mother and I are growing together as well. The kohlrabi is doing great.

I am meeting up with some fellow Buddhist friends tomorrow night and promised to bring a strawberry pie. Briley's, a local farm, just opened their strawberry patch and I was thinking that it would be nice to meet a friend there and pick them fresh. So I did a shout out (or whatever you call it) on Twitter to ask if anybody wanted to go. It never occurred to me that stranger, a man, with the username "Massager" would raise his virtual hand. I was dumb enough to think that I was only talking to other single mothers and real life friends. I totally got what I deserved. Use your head, Lisa! I did not respond to him, of course.

And these are the random six songs that played on my iTunes while I wrote this post:
[you can listen for 7 days]

Paul Simon - Peace Like a River
Otis Redding - Wonderful World
Stevie Wonder - A Place in the Sun
Donna Summer - Love to Love You Baby
Joe Cocker - I Put a Spell on You
The Moody Blues - Sun is Still Shining

Happy Arbor Day!

2009-04-24T08:26:00.004-04:00

Inspiring people to plant, nurture, and celebrate trees.

National Arbor Day is the last Friday in April, but NC actually celebrates in March. I planted an apple tree with the kids at the group home and they had a blast. They take turns watering it now...it's heartwarming.

Many other territories also celebrate according to their climate:

Arbor Day dates across America

Arbor Day around the World

Did you know that with a $10 donation, the Arbor Day Foundation will send you 10 trees? You choose from several trees that thrive in your region. Is that awesome or what? A girlfriend of mine, Monica, got permission from her city to plant 8 trees in a designated area. She just wrote me recently that all 8, as well as the 2 are in her backyard, are growing marvelously. She's so proud, as she should be. :)

Objectified

2009-04-23T09:05:00.004-04:00

Eric Case posted the trailer for the documentary Objectified on his blog and I couldn't resist sharing. Have a look:

I am stoked! I hope a cinema within driving distance shows it. Maybe it'll play in Raleigh and my friend Will can meet me there. I haven't seen him in a while.

Taking a break to talk about Mother Earth

2009-04-22T09:22:00.009-04:00

I'm writing a paper for a Nutrition class this morning. Got distracted and became irritated so I decided to take a break for a few minutes and try to cheer up.

Here's an excerpt from The Wilderness Society's latest newsletter:

"On April 22, 1970 Sen. Gaylord Nelson helped move environmental problems to the national forefront by establishing the first Earth Day. As the late Senator recalled years later, The objective was to get a nationwide demonstration of concern for the environment so large that it would shake the political establishment out of its lethargy.

That day launched a national environmental movement that is stronger than ever, and led to bedrock environmental laws many take for granted, including the Clean Air Act and the Clean Water Act."

I wasn't going to post anything about Earth Day because really this is something that we should be concerned with year round. Then I got that newsletter and was reminded of the significance and purpose of the day. It's really pretty cool...I shouldn't be such a cynic. I care a lot about our enviroment. Care, like love, to me, is a VERB. Not just something I feel, but what I DO...

I'm celebrating Earth Day in my own special way. I've committed myself to using this day, every year, to incorporate one more environmentally friendly habit into my daily life for the rest of my life. If there's one thing I've learned since becoming environmentally conscious it is baby steps. Like anything else, if you go gung-ho and try to make too many lifestyle changes at once, it'll be too uncomfortable and overwhelming and you'll give up. Start small. As I mentioned last year, I believe that every little thing you do helps.

These are some of the steps I have already taken:

Replaced old bulbs with CFL's on Earth Day last year (none of them have burned out yet.)
Turn lights off when I leave the room.
Insulated my windows and door frames (total investment - $16.00 at my locally owned hardware store.)
Cloth bags at the grocery store.
I also keep two cardboard boxes in my trunk for large items and request that they not be bagged.
Recycle everything I possibly can.
I don't waste water (i still take the occasional bubble bath and i will not give that up.)
Walk when I can.
Keep my car maintained properly (tire pressure, air filter, oil changed, yadda yadda)

I've thought long and hard about what I can start doing that would both make a difference and make me feel good, while hopefully saving some cash and I've decided that I'm going to start shitting in a bucket and recyling it into humanure. HAHAHA!!! No I'm not. (I'm not sure what to think about that practice. I mean I have no problem going outdoors on hiking trips, I'll definitely have to when I thru-hike the A.T. in 2011, but that bucket thing is a little extreme. And unsanitary, I would think. Anyway...)

OK, being serious now: This year I'm going to start unplugging appliances that aren't in use.

I already unplug a few things like my toaster and the lamp on my nightstand. My excuse for not unplugging my microwave and coffee maker was that they have clocks...well so does my oven. My kitchen is very small so it makes no sense to have the time displayed in three places so from now on the microwave and coffee maker stay unplugged unless I am using them. Other items I'm going to unplug: computer, printer, television set, and DVD player. I'm so excited about this one because of the savings on my electric bill. I'll keep y'all posted on that.

Are you going to adopt one environmentally responsible habit? If so, what?

Playing with my dogs, cooking up a storm, missing my coffee

2009-04-19T16:25:00.015-04:00

It's a gorgeous day. I took the dogs for a long walk this morning and played makeshift frisbee with Zeke for a bit while Lacy laid there and watched. She's 12 1/2 years old so she's not feeling the least bit interested in frisbee these days.

Then after returning a couple of phone calls, I decided to go ahead and cook for the whole week.

This is everything I made:

spicy marinara sauce
spaghetti squash
roasted eggplant, zucchini, celery, and red onions
green beans steamed then fried with a little olive oil and loads of garlic & crushed red pepper
roasted potatoes with thyme
jasmine rice
lentils
sauteed red & green peppers with onions and tomatoes
steamed broccoli
steamed mushrooms with garlic
cucumbers with lemon juice
fruit salad (two fruit salads: one tropical and one with just apples, bananas, and raisins)
spinach and tofu wraps for me to take to work (i know this probably doesn't sound great, but trust me, they are so delicious.)
hot Italian sausage and a roasted chicken (i do not eat meat, but my son does)
humongous lasagna (i actually made this last night and it is yummy)

We eat a lot of Italian food. I'm not as wiped out as you would think; everything was super fast and easy. Every window in my house is open as I had my oven, all four burners, microwave, and the roaster my grandmother gave me all working full speed. It feels good to be done though and now when I get home from work next week we can just warm up our plates and be done with it. Plus, food always tastes better leftover.

Yesterday while I was cleaning, I came across a bag of old candles. Too much wax to waste, but not enough to burn type of thing. I'm now fixin' to take the dogs outside so they can play while I melt it all down and make "new" candles. Nothing fancy, just using cylinder molds.

I debated this one since I absentmindedly uploaded 21 songs last week, but it is Sunday and so here are the first six songs to play on my iTunes this afternoon:
[you can listen for 7 days]

Blood, Sweat & Tears - Spinning Wheel
Widespread Panic - Walk On (live, Los Angeles, 2006)
Stephen Stills - Tree Top Flyer
Fleetwood Mac - Dreams
Tears for Fears - Mad World
Van Morrison - Come Running

I'm still a little testy from my reduced caffeine intake. I wish my body would make up its mind. First I started getting terrible nausea and jitters after I had more than one cup of coffee, but then when I only have one I want more and feel all grouchy. I know withdrawals are actually a healthy sign that I'm detoxing and all. And I know it's best for my health to just ditch the shit, but I miss it so much. You just don't understand how much I love coffee. I have a coffee press and grind my own beans. It was nothing for me to have four cups in the morning and another three at night. Now I'm only allowed one cup at 6AM, another at 6PM...it's on my mind all the time. Only 35 minutes longer to wait. This can't last forever (i hope.)

What did you do today?

Morning tea

2009-04-15T09:24:00.007-04:00

So I've switched from coffee to tea. Sort of. I have one cup of coffee, but then switch to herbal tea. I've also given up artificial sweetener at the urging of my younger sister, Pamela. She was worried that I would get cancer, convinced of it more like, and was quite troubled. So I promised her that not another grain of Spenda (et al) would pass my lips ever again. When I visited Europe, Germany and Greece to be specific, just more than four years ago, you couldn't even buy the stuff. It was banned. So why I continued to consume it? I don't know. But no more. This means no more soda, which is good, but also sucks.

On Monday my son and I went to see Observe and Report. Some people may be offended by some of the content, but we laughed ourselves to tears. As stupid as it was at times, I had total respect because it had courage. I'm so sick and tired of adult themed movies being watered down to a PG-13 for the sake of mass-marketing. Observe and Report stayed true to its theme, was rated R, and had the balls to go there. Disgusting and dark at times, but totally appropriate for what it is. And even though the plot is implausible, not once was I pulled out of my suspension of disbelief to roll my eyes and think "no way would that person do that. That would not happen." Because the actions are true to the characters with no regard whatsoever to whether or not some focus group would be offended. They brought the fucking funny. KUDOS. I wouldn't mind seeing it again.

I've been waiting for more than one week for one of my favorite bloggers to post and I finally decided to go to his blog to see if I could contact him and give him a nudge. I got an error message that his blog was deleted! I was totally bummed. But he was still on my following list, so this confused me. Then I realized that he had changed his address. I found his new URL via the "manage" button on my dashboard and was able to catch up. I like him because he is honest. Like Observe and Report, he is true to himself and doesn't worry about offending. I may not agree with everything single thing he writes -- actually I do agree with him, I just probably would have said it nicer. But one of the things I appreciate most about diversity is the opportunity to live vicariously through others who are more daring than myself sometimes. Plus we share the same pet peeves and his grammar is impecible. I'm glad his blog is not gone.

Today I have a job interview at a rehabilitation center for adolescents with behavioral and emotional handicaps. I would be doing basically the same thing I was doing in Fayetteville, working within a program designed to reeducate and rehabilitate as opposed to just putting a roof over their head (which is all the group home that I work for now does.) I'd rather be treating these kids. If I get the job, I will not start for several weeks. Still, those weeks will go by either way so I'd rather have something to look forward to.

That's all for now. Peaceful day, everyone.

This was supposed to be a random 12...

2009-04-09T22:07:00.018-04:00

in honor of Easter being on the 12th day of the month. Then somewhere along the way, true to my typical absent-minded-professor-like tendencies, my brain transposed the numbers and I uploaded the first 21 songs that played on my iTunes instead. I did not realize my faux paus until I had linked the very last song, of course. lol

[will be removed after 7 days]

They Might Be Giants - Why Does the Sun Shine? (this is one of the only three songs my son would let me sing to him when he was just a young'n. how cool that it popped up first today!)
Craig Kohland/Shaman's Dream - Prana (Sahana Vavatu) (another song from my favorite Yoga Rhythms CD)
Marvin Gaye & Diana Ross - Stop, Look, Listen
Sarah McLachlan - Building a Mystery
The Police - Spirits in the Material World
Ambulance Ltd. - Arbuckle's Swan Song
Over the Rhine - She
Muddy Waters - Take the Bitter with the Sweet
Ray Charles - Sticks and Stones
Ann Peebles - I Can't Stand the Rain
Polyphonic Spree - Light and Day
The Jam - Ghosts
War - The Cisco Kid
Neil Young - Families
Gary Wright - Love is Alive
Stylistics - Betcha by Golly, Wow
Van Morrison - When Will I Ever Learn to Live in God?
Feist - Mushaboom
Sam Cooke - (I Love You) For Sentimental Reasons
Les McCann - Compared to What?
Willie Nelson - Help Me Make it Through the Night

(if you like the song, please go buy the album at your local record shop or your preferred online store.)

I am now going back to the Deadliest Catch marathon until I'm ready for bed. A new season starts this Tuesday night. Yay!!!

Happy Easter everybody! Whatever your religious beliefs, whether you celebrate Easter or not, I wish you a wonderful day today. Namaste

Why do so many people choose to be judmental and condescending?

2009-04-08T13:30:00.004-04:00

Rhetorical question, of course. I know there are a plethora of reasons as diverse as the people themselves. I just wish more people would get that putting others down does not make you better. It lowers you. You become a bitter, self-absorbed, self-righteous, self-entitled, uncompassionate, unforgiving shell of a person. If you think that these qualities prevent you from being hurt or taken advantage of, you are sadly mistaken. For you are hurting yourself. And maybe nobody will have the opportunity to take advantage of you, but they won't have the opportunity to bond and connnect with you or be your friend either. Nobody will, no matter how much they may want to, truly let their guard down for a judgmental, condescending person out of fear that you are judging them as well.

By email request...

2009-04-05T23:10:00.008-04:00

I guess I started something last Sunday with my random six. You know, I like doing stuff like this, but I can't promise this will be an every-Sunday thing though. Next Sunday I will be busy playing Easter bunny. But you caught me at a good time tonight.

The first six songs to play on my iTunes:
[you can listen for 7 days]

Ella Fitzgerald - Misty
The Great Divide - Amarillo Windmill
Frankie Valli - Can't Take My Eyes Off You
Van Morrison - Crazy Love
Cowboy Junkies - To Love is to Bury
Ticklah - The Dub and the Restless (this is actually one of my favorite tracks from Shiva Rea's "Yoga Rhythms"; the CD I prefer while practicing Kundalini. This song is wonderful for your Manipura.)

So long, Tom Braden

2009-04-05T08:08:00.005-04:00

Creator/co-host of CNN's Crossfire and real-life Eight is Enough dad dies at 92. Of course CNN's headline says "Former CNN talk show host Tom Braden...". Yeah. He only created your longest running program, the first of its kind. I shouldn't nitpick as the article that follows is a good one.

Tom Braden

February 22, 1917 - April 3, 2009

As a pretty liberal girl being raised by an ultra-conservative father, Crossfire meant a lot to me as a teenager. Tom Braden taught me that I didn't have to bite my tongue. Debate was no longer seen as personal or disrespectful, it was OK to have my beliefs challenged for it was there that I would learn whether what I believed was really my truth, sound and reasonable, and worth defending. I joined the debate team in the 10th grade because of Tom Braden. I owe him thanks.

Moses is Departing Egypt (sense of humor required)

2009-04-03T11:21:00.004-04:00

This was sent to me twice this morning and then my friend Becky shared it on Live Journal. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. A Facebook Haggadah

Excerpt from the Platform Sutra

2009-04-01T21:54:00.001-04:00

"The mind has nothing to do with thinking ,
because its fundamental source is empty.
To discard false views, this is the one great
causal event.
If within and without you are not deluded
then you are apart from duality.
If on the outside you are deluded you cling to form;
if on the inside you are deluded you cling to emptiness.
If within form you are apart from form and within emptiness
you are separated from emptiness, then within
and without your are not deluded."

Random six

2009-03-29T15:58:00.012-04:00

My Sunday didn't quite go as planned, but that's OK. I ran a few errands earlier, cooked a big brunch, finished a paper for school and got some writing done. I rarely play my iTunes, even more rarely on shuffle -- I prefer concept albums on vinyl -- but for some reason I just felt like listening to random tunes on headphones while I was writing today. The not knowing what was going to happen next seemed appropriate and, as you can see below, was I ever getting some strange combinations. These are the last six.

[you can listen for 7 days]

The Paul Butterfield Blues Band - Gene's Tune (Live @ The Troubadour, Los Angeles) (it makes me harmonica dizzy. listening to the entire album makes me drunk!)
The Style Council - Our Favourite Shop (Club Mix) (instrumental)
Paul Simon - Graceland (remastered LP version)
Shane MacGowan & the Popes - You're the One (featuring Máire Brennan)
Emotions - Best of My Love
Jonny Lang - On My Feet Again

I was supposed to be planting fifteen varieties of veggies and herbs today. My mom and I are doing garden together actually. We've had some scheduling conflicts, but today was supposed to be THE day. Unfortunately, the soil is too wet because it's been raining off and on the past few days. We need it, so I'm not complaining, but I am thankful that the sun is shining now. We're hoping it will dry up enough that we can plant during my free time tomorrow and Tuesday morning. If not, I don't know what we'll do because I won't have time again until next weekend and some the roots are already trying to come through the peat pots. They need to get in the ground ASAP.

Also, I want to mention that my 63 year old mother MADE 6 giant 6'x6' boxes for our garden all by herself. And I mean she actually measured, sawed, and hammered those bad boys together herself. When she suggested we do boxes, I was all for it. She gave me a rough estimate and I happily wrote her a check. Of course at that time, I assumed that she would buy them already made. I should have known better. My mom never ceases to amaze me. She's so creative and inspiring and puts zero limitations on herself...she sets quite a standard for me to live up to. (and just so nobody thinks i'm slack, she didn't tell me what she was doing until AFTER she was done or i swear i would have helped her. part of me was mad at her for not asking for help, but overall i am just so proud of her!)

A couple of days off

2009-03-24T10:07:00.004-04:00

My teaching assignment ended on Friday and I have not yet received another. I was hoping I would, but I am seeing this as an opportunity to have some much needed free time and get some things done around here as well.

I got up early this morning and baked lemon pound cake and rum cake with lots of toasted pecans, both in mini pans so that I can share them. A good friend of mine has been a little down since last Thursday. He lost his job. Not that cake will make it all better, but that and lending an ear, letting him know that he has a friend, is all that anybody can really do. He's the total opposite of lazy and is very smart; he is going to be just fine. Anyway, I'm also meeting my friend Robin for lunch this week and rum cake is her favorite. Is it silly to derive such pleasure from something like giving cake to people? Also, as a Nutrition major, should I not be giving more healthy gifts? lol Well, cake is delicious and in moderation is just fine. That is what I am going to tell myself.

With the exception of what I am going to sell on eBay, I have finally purged everything from my house that I no longer use. If it is not a keepsake or has not been used in a year, it is out of here!!! This last box is going to the domestic violence shelter. If any of you reading have clothes you don't wear anymore, items that could be used to help somebody set up housekeeping, even knick-knacks that could bring a smile to someone's face, I'm encouraging you to PLEASE consider giving them to your local shelter for victims of domestic violence. Your police station will usually receive the donations on their behalf. Often, these women leave their home with nothing but their children and the shirts on their back or they go to the shelter directly from the hospital. They are happy to get anything you have and what they can't use is usually donated to the thrift store, which provides low cost goods to people who would otherwise have to go without. If you have mens clothing, the homeless shelter is in need also. It's a way to make a big difference for FREE.

I'm going to make more soap tonight. I really enjoy it, though I'm not very good at it yet. My finished product looks very amateurish...obviously homemade. It was suggested that I sell them because of the fragrance, which I would love to do, but I need to make them more attractive first. Right now they look like my 4 year old niece's handiwork. lol So that is how I am going to spend my evening, taking a time out to watch President Obama's address, of course.

Right now I am heading to the post office and then to go see a movie. I haven't been to the movie theater in a long, long time. Perhaps it is unsociable of me, but I am looking forward to going alone. I want the whole day to myself, in fact. I have some time to kill between the time the movie ends and my afternoon class. I think I'll stop by the Greek restaurant nearby for some dolma and baklava and see if the owner has any funny stories to share today.

Wow, one year!

2009-03-22T13:26:00.008-04:00

March 19, 2008 I made my first post here. I hadn't even thought about it until Doug posted that he just realized his blog turned four on March 7th, prompting me to investigate. I also discovered that my 100th post happened 21 posts ago (this one included.)

So, here it is, one year, four days and 121 posts later and my blog is still no closer to being about anything. I used to share music, still share a song here and there, but the days of the cool compilations are over (thanks to some anonymous jerk) so now I just stick to talking about my life and sharing my interests, when I have time. Certain details of my life are now reserved for my Live Journal, for the sake of privacy (and anybody with an LJ account and schadenfreud tendencies (I kid. Mostly...) is more than welcome to have access, of course.) I'm quite content to just let my blog remain what it is. I never was one that could be pigeon holed and labeled so the flexibility suits me just fine. I like the connection that only a personal touch can deliver. I LOVE the friends I've made here!!! THANK YOU to everybody who has ever visited, read my blathering, whether you left me a comment or not, whether we ever spoke to one another or not, your energy was here and that is what matters. I truly appreciate you.

And so Happy Birthday, Blog. And here's to another year of contemplations, musings, blathering, venting, whatever...

Demand the release of Aung San Suu Kyi

2009-03-18T20:40:00.005-04:00

"Burmese pro democracy leader and Nobel peace prize winner Aung San Suu Kyi has spent 13 years detained by the Burmese military junta. She and thousands of fellow monks and students have been imprisoned for bravely challenging their brutal regime with calls for democracy. This week a glimmer of hope has risen for their release, and it's time for us to stand with them.

Risking danger to speak out for their jailed friends, Burmese activists this week demanded the release of Aung San Suu Kyi and all political prisoners and called on the world to help. As the global economic crisis makes aid flows more essential, Burma's generals are becoming more vulnerable to international pressure, but we need a flood of petition signatures to UN Secretary-General Ban Ki Moon to make this a top priority. Follow the link to sign the petition, and forward this email on to make sure she and her fellow prisoners are freed:"

http://www.avaaz.org/en/free_burma_political_prisoners

The above is an excerpt of an email that I received today from Avaaz.org . I receive many updates from them, as well as other organizations that I support. I have never re-posted one here on my blog before, but my friends this is urgent. I'm asking you to please read this petition and sign your name if you feel compelled to do so. The goal is 888,888 signatures and we still have a long ways to go.

Thank you for your help. Namaste

Random update

2009-03-17T15:53:00.000-04:00

Has it really been a whole week since I posted? I've been wanting to post something, but haven't had the time to write. Instead I'll just share a few things that are going on right now:

This Friday will conclude a six-week long teaching assignment. I'm going to miss these kids so much. They've been fantastic. The great news is that the Principal has told me that she is going to request me whenever they need substitute in the future, which will probably be next Monday. Somebody is always out sick or taking a vacation.

Since all five packages have been sent now, I'll reveal what I decided to make for the Pay it Forward project: homemade soap!!! First I had to make the soap and let it cure for a few weeks. Once cured, I melted it down in smaller batches and added colors & fragrances and poured the soap into molds. I had never worked with molds, save for candle making which is quite different, and I kept messing up. Finally I got it right (or right enough I should say) and ended up with a finished product that I was pretty happy with. I made many different shapes in many colors and fragrances of pomegranate (of course), honey almond, cucumber melon, vanilla, and pink grapefruit. I'm now totally addicted to soap making and this is probably what I will be giving everybody for their birthdays this year.

Speaking of birthdays, I had the best weekend I've had in a long time while celebrating mine early! My birthday is actually today, but I can't leave town in the middle of the week so instead I visited a friend in Chicago this past weekend. We ate so much I thought we were going to be sick and we enjoyed some live blues and just enjoyed being together. I baked us a cherry pie for Pi Day (Saturday, 3.14) and by the time I left Sunday night we had eaten the whole thing. We haven't seen each other since last year and have been very dear friends for almost 20 years now. It was nice.

Tonight, my brother Brian is cooking dinner for me. He's a talented and creative cook -- I'm looking forward to seeing what he comes up with. Also, my mom baked me a cake. I don't know what kind. It's all going to be a surprise. I'm telling you all, I really love aging. I am a much better person than I was when I was younger. And I'm especially happy to finally be 42...it's a much better number than 41. 4+2=6, which is divisible by 3. I hated 41. 5 is such a negative number.

I really need to go to the grocery store. I haven't done any shopping in more than a week and I am totally out of fresh fruit.

I finally went through the final boxes of my ex-husband's belongings and donated everything to the thrift store. For four years (4 years, 3 months!!!) I have held onto his things because I knew that much of it was keepsakes and I didn't want to suffer bad Karma for throwing it away. After consulting with a dear friend and fellow Buddhist, we were both in agreement that if he cared about these things he would have at least sent me the money to have them shipped. I did save back his childhood mementos and his military stuff; it all fit in one box that I am sending to his mother when I get paid. Good riddance. It's good to have my closet back and to not have to be reminded of him every time I get dressed. I'm really proud of myself. Y'all have no idea how hard that was for me to do. I'm not even sure what came over me. I was just sitting here on the computer, getting ready to read blogs, and it hit me that I had to go upstairs and get this over with. And I did it. Yay me!

I got pinched about 50,000 times today. How do I keep forgetting to wear green on St. Patrick's Day? It's my birthday for crying out loud. You'd think that would remind me just a little? LOL

That's all for now. Time to go to Mom & Grandma's house. Grandma is doing great, by the way. She still has congestive heart failure, but she is feeling well and is getting around pretty good. My son and I are taking her to see the North Carolina Symphony next month and she is excited about going.

March 10th Statement of H.H. the Dalai Lama

2009-03-10T10:41:00.002-04:00

(source) Published Monday, 9 March, 2009

Today is the fiftieth anniversary of the Tibetan people’s peaceful uprising against Communist China’s repression in Tibet. Since last March widespread peaceful protests have erupted across the whole of Tibet. Most of the participants were youths born and brought up after 1959, who have not seen or experienced a free Tibet. However, the fact that they were driven by a firm conviction to serve the cause of Tibet that has continued from generation to generation is indeed a matter of pride. It will serve as a source of inspiration for those in the international community who take keen interest in the issue of Tibet. We pay tribute and offer our prayers for all those who died, were tortured and suffered tremendous hardships, including during the crisis last year, for the cause of Tibet since our struggle began.

Around 1949, Communist forces began to enter north-eastern and eastern Tibet (Kham and Amdo) and by 1950, more than 5000 Tibetan soldiers had been killed. Taking the prevailing situation into account, the Chinese government chose a policy of peaceful liberation, which in 1951 led to the signing of the 17-point Agreement and its annexure. Since then, Tibet has come under the control of the People’s Republic of China. However, the Agreement clearly mentions that Tibet’s distinct religion, culture and traditional values would be protected.

Between 1954 and 1955, I met with most of the senior Chinese leaders in the Communist Party, government and military, led by Chairman Mao Zedong, in Beijing. When we discussed ways of achieving the social and economic development of Tibet, as well as maintaining Tibet’s religious and cultural heritage, Mao Zedong and all the other leaders agreed to establish a preparatory committee to pave the way for the implementation of the autonomous region, as stipulated in the Agreement, rather than establishing a military administrative commission. From about 1956 onwards, however, the situation took a turn for the worse with the imposition of ultra-leftist policies in Tibet. Consequently, the assurances given by higher authorities were not implemented on the ground. The forceful implementation of the so-called “democratic” reforms in the Kham and Amdo regions of Tibet, which did not accord with prevailing conditions, resulted in immense chaos and destruction. In Central Tibet, Chinese officials forcibly and deliberately violated the terms of the 17-point Agreement, and their heavy-handed tactics increased day by day. These desperate developments left the Tibetan people with no alternative but to launch a peaceful uprising on 10 March 1959. The Chinese authorities responded with unprecedented force that led to the killing, arrests and imprisonment of tens of thousands of Tibetans in the following months. Consequently, accompanied by a small party of Tibetan government officials including some Kalons (Cabinet Ministers), I escaped into exile in India. Thereafter, nearly a hundred thousand Tibetans fled into exile in India, Nepal and Bhutan. During the escape and the months that followed they faced unimaginable hardship, which is still fresh in Tibetan memory.

Having occupied Tibet, the Chinese Communist government carried out a series of repressive and violent campaigns that have included “democratic” reform, class struggle, communes, the Cultural Revolution, the imposition of martial law, and more recently the patriotic re-education and the strike hard campaigns. These thrust Tibetans into such depths of suffering and hardship that they literally experienced hell on earth. The immediate result of these campaigns was the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Tibetans. The lineage of the Buddha Dharma was severed. Thousands of religious and cultural centres such as monasteries, nunneries and temples were razed to the ground. Historical buildings and monuments were demolished. Natural resources have been indiscriminately exploited. Today, Tibet’s fragile environment has been polluted, massive deforestation has been carried out and wildlife, such as wild yaks and Tibetan antelopes, are being driven to extinction.

These 50 years have brought untold suffering and destruction to the land and people of Tibet. Even today, Tibetans in Tibet live in constant fear and the Chinese authorities remain constantly suspicious of them. Today, the religion, culture, language and identity, which successive generations of Tibetans have considered more precious than their lives, are nearing extinction; in short, the Tibetan people are regarded like criminals deserving to be put to death. The Tibetan people's tragedy was set out in the late Panchen Rinpoche's 70,000-character petition to the Chinese government in 1962. He raised it again in his speech in Shigatse in 1989 shortly before he died, when he said that what we have lost under Chinese communist rule far outweighs what we have gained. Many concerned and unbiased Tibetans have also spoken out about the hardships faced by the Tibetan people. Even Hu Yaobang, the Communist Party Secretary, when he arrived in Lhasa in 1980, clearly acknowledged these mistakes and asked the Tibetans for their forgiveness. Many infrastructural developments such as roads, airports, railways, and so forth, which seem to have brought progress to Tibetan areas, were really done with the political objective of sinicising Tibet at the huge cost of devastating the Tibetan environment and way of life.

As for the Tibetan refugees, although we initially faced many problems such as great differences of climate and language and difficulties earning our livelihood, we have been successful in re-establishing ourselves in exile. Due to the great generosity of our host countries, especially India, Tibetans have been able to live in freedom without fear. We have been able to earn a livelihood and uphold our religion and culture. We have been able to provide our children with both traditional and modern education, as well as engaging in efforts to resolve the Tibet issue. There have been other positive results too. Greater understanding of Tibetan Buddhism with its emphasis on compassion has made a positive contribution in many parts of the world.

Immediately after our arrival in exile we began to work on the promotion of democracy in the Tibetan community with the establishment of the Tibetan Parliament-in-Exile in 1960. Since then, we have taken gradual steps on the path to democracy and today our exile administration has evolved into a fully functioning democracy with a written charter of its own and a legislative body. This is indeed something we can all be proud of.

Since 2001, we have instituted a system by which the political leadership of Tibetan exiles is directly elected through procedures similar to those in other democratic systems. Currently, the directly-elected Kalon Tripa's (Cabinet Chairperson) second term is underway.Consequently, my daily administrative responsibilities have reduced and today I am in a state of semi-retirement. However, to work for the just cause of Tibet is the responsibility of every Tibetan, and I will uphold this responsibility.

As a human being my main commitment is in the promotion of human values; this is what I consider the key factor for a happy life at the individual level, family level and community level. As a religious practitioner, my second commitment is the promotion of inter-religious harmony. My third commitment is of course the issue of Tibet due to my being a Tibetan with the name of the ‘Dalai Lama’, but more importantly it is due to the trust that Tibetans both inside and outside Tibet have placed in me. These are the three important commitments, which I always keep in mind.

In addition to looking after the well being of the exiled Tibetan community, which they have done quite well, the principal task of the Central Tibetan Administration has been to work towards the resolution of the issue of Tibet. Having laid out the mutually beneficial Middle-Way policy in 1974, we were ready to respond to Deng Xiaoping when he proposed talks in 1979. Many talks were conducted and fact-finding delegations dispatched. These, however, did not bear any concrete results and formal contacts eventually broke off in 1993.

Subsequently, in 1996-97, we conducted an opinion poll of the Tibetans in exile, and collected suggestions from Tibet wherever possible, on a proposed referendum, by which the Tibetan people were to determine the future course of our freedom struggle to their full satisfaction. Based on the outcome of the poll and the suggestions from Tibet, we decided to continue the policy of the Middle-Way.

Since the re-establishment of contacts in 2002, we have followed a policy of one official channel and one agenda and have held eight rounds of talks with the Chinese authorities. As a consequence, we presented a Memorandum on Genuine Autonomy for the Tibetan People, explaining how the conditions for national regional autonomy as set forth in the Chinese constitution would be met by the full implementation of its laws on autonomy. The Chinese insistence that we accept Tibet as having been a part of China since ancient times is not only inaccurate but also unreasonable. We cannot change the past no matter whether it was good or bad. Distorting history for political purposes is incorrect.

We need to look to the future and work for our mutual benefit. We Tibetans are looking for a legitimate and meaningful autonomy, an arrangement that would enable Tibetans to live within the framework of the People’s Republic of China. Fulfilling the aspirations of the Tibetan people will enable China to achieve stability and unity. From our side, we are not making any demands based on history. Looking back at history, there is no country in the world today, including China, whose territorial status has remained forever unchanged, nor can it remain unchanged.
Our aspiration that all Tibetans be brought under a single autonomous administration is in keeping with the very objective of the principle of national regional autonomy. It also fulfils the fundamental requirements of the Tibetan and Chinese peoples. The Chinese constitution and other related laws and regulations do not pose any obstacle to this and many leaders of the Chinese Central Government have accepted this genuine aspiration. When signing the 17-point Agreement, Premier Zhou Enlai acknowledged it as a reasonable demand. In 1956, when establishing the Preparatory Committee for the “Tibet Autonomous Region”, Vice-Premier Chen Yi pointing at a map said, if Lhasa could be made the capital of the Tibet Autonomous Region, which included the Tibetan areas within the other provinces, it would contribute to the development of Tibet and friendship between the Tibetan and Chinese nationalities, a view shared by the late Panchen Rinpoche and many educated Tibetans, cadres among them. If Chinese leaders had any objections to our proposals, they could have provided reasons for them and suggested alternatives for our consideration, but they did not. I am disappointed that the Chinese authorities have not responded appropriately to our sincere efforts to implement the principle of meaningful national regional autonomy for all Tibetans, as set forth in the constitution of the People’s Republic of China.

Quite apart from the current process of Sino-Tibetan dialogue having achieved no concrete results, there has been a brutal crackdown on the Tibetan protests that have shaken the whole of Tibet since March last year. Therefore, in order to solicit public opinion as to what future course of action we should take, the Special Meeting of Tibetan exiles was convened in November 2008. Efforts were made to collect suggestions, as far as possible, from the Tibetans in Tibet as well. The outcome of this whole process was that a majority of Tibetans strongly supported the continuation of the Middle-Way policy. Therefore, we are now pursuing this policy with greater confidence and will continue our efforts towards achieving a meaningful national regional autonomy for all Tibetans.

From time immemorial, the Tibetan and Chinese peoples have been neighbours. In future too, we will have to live together. Therefore, it is most important for us to co-exist in friendship with each other.

Since the occupation of Tibet, Communist China has been publishing distorted propaganda about Tibet and its people. Consequently, there are, among the Chinese populace, not many who have a true understanding about Tibet. It is, in fact, very difficult for them to find the truth. There are also ultra-leftist Chinese leaders who have, since last March, been undertaking a huge propaganda effort with the intention of setting the Tibetan and Chinese peoples apart and creating animosity between them. Sadly, as a result, a negative impression of Tibetans has arisen in the minds of some of our Chinese brothers and sisters. Therefore, as I have repeatedly appealed before, I would like once again to urge our Chinese brothers and sisters not to be swayed by such propaganda, but, instead, to try to discover the facts about Tibet impartially, so as to prevent divisions among us. Tibetans should also continue to work for friendship with the Chinese people.

Looking back on 50 years in exile, we have witnessed many ups and downs. However, the fact that the Tibet issue is alive and the international community is taking growing interest in it is indeed an achievement. Seen from this perspective, I have no doubt that the justice of Tibet's cause will prevail, if we continue to tread the path of truth and non-violence.

As we commemorate 50 years in exile, it is most important that we express our deep gratitude to the governments and peoples of the various host countries in which we live. Not only do we abide by the laws of these host countries, but we also conduct ourselves in a way that we become an asset to these countries. Similarly, in our efforts to realise the cause of Tibet and uphold its religion and culture, we should craft our future vision and strategy by learning from our past experience.

I always say that we should hope for the best, and prepare for the worst. Whether we look at it from the global perspective or in the context of events in China, there are reasons for us to hope for a quick resolution of the issue of Tibet. However, we must also prepare ourselves well in case the Tibetan struggle goes on for a long time. For this, we must focus primarily on the education of our children and the nurturing of professionals in various fields. We should also raise awareness about the environment and health, and improve understanding and practice of non-violent methods among the general Tibetan population.

I would like to take this opportunity to express my heartfelt gratitude to the leaders and people of India, as well as its Central and State Governments, who despite whatever problems and obstacles they face, have provided invaluable support and assistance over the past 50 years to Tibetans in exile. Their kindness and generosity are immeasurable. I would also like to express my gratitude to the leaders, governments and peoples of the international community, as well as the various Tibet Support Groups, for their unstinting support.

May all sentient beings live in peace and happiness! The Dalai Lama
10 March 2009

The past few days have been good. Make that great.

2009-03-03T22:49:00.010-05:00

Starting tomorrow, my hours at the group home are scaling back to only two evenings per week and Saturday morning from 6 until 9. This is at my request. It was just getting to be too much. I was really tired and my relationships with my friends and family were being put on the back burner. My son and I were only sitting down together for meals two nights per week and for our traditional Sunday Brunch. Three meals together per week isn't enough. He may be moving come fall and after that happens I'll be lucky to see him for our family dinner on Sunday, so I want to make the most of this precious time. I meditated and prayed for an opportunity to cut back my hours and God (or the universe, however you choose to define it) delivered! I am so, so grateful. I've sold some of my art, including my first attempt at sculpting that I thought nobody would EVER buy in a million -- no make that a GAZILLION -- years! Then the head shop up 14th street ordered 40 more purple & gold bandanas from me!!! So now I will have enough extra money saved to supplement my income that I can be home most evenings and that is going to be awesome. I feel so happy and so very blessed...I just can't express it enough.

I've also felt a wave of peace come over me this week. I've been meditating a lot, stealing moments even in the restroom when I can, and it has paid off. A heaviness that has weighed on my heart for quite some time has disintegrated and I just can't tell you how good it feels. When I just turned the stress over to the universe and went through my house looking for everything I could possibly donate to charity as an offering, it all just fell into place. It is true in order to gain, sometimes you have to let go. I know this is true, of course, but sometimes I just need to be reminded.

Today was Square Root Day. Nobody but me and the math department cared, but we cared enough for all. One of the teachers brought one of those awful photo cakes, which I am afraid to eat because I just know it would feel gross against my tongue. Another teacher tried to convince me that "you can't even feel it...it's sugar, it just melts in your mouth". She's probably telling the truth, but still...I just don't ever want to eat edible paper. EVER. See now I want to make myself eat a whole sheet of the stuff just to prove to myself that I'm not phobic. You know, I never saw myself as super quirky...just a little quirkyish. But since I've been keeping track of my "little moments" in my journal, and then with that 7 Things Meme I did the other day, I'm realizing just how many weird aversions and habits I actually have.

I am mailing the 5 Pay it Forward packages out on Monday. This was fun to do. I really enjoyed working on y'all's handmade gifts. My goal was to complete it within 60 days, however I think by the time y'all receive your packages I will be a few days late. A big thank you to those who participated: Johnny, R. Maria, Deepak, Bhavesh, and Matt if you are reading this I am sorry I have not written you back but I got your email and your address. Also, I need Bhavesh's mailing address. You can email me at tantraflower@gmail.com.

I wish you a happy Wednesday. Namaste

Meme, 7 Things

2009-03-01T17:21:00.011-05:00

Your Sassy Reporter tagged me to do this Meme at her blog, Mother Thoughts, the other day.

I just did that 25 Things list that's been going around, you'll find it a few posts down from here, so coming up with 7 new facts and quirks is going to be a challenge. Plus I just had to redo my profile on Live Journal and ended up writing what amounts to a dissertation, which is pretty embarrassing. I made myself tired of talking about me. But I am going to do my best here because I love my friend, Sassy Reporter. xxx

The Rules:
1. List these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog.
3. Tell 7 unspectacular quirks about you.
4. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
5.Link the person who tagged you.
6.Leave a comment for each blogger.

It could be nice if you post a personal photo with this post. (--- I'm not going to post a photo because I'm changing my user pic back to a picture of me just as soon as I finish this post. So if you want to see what I look like, just look to the right of my blog. :)

7 Facts About Me:

I'm suffering from performance anxiety right now.
I grew up in southern California, but have lived in North Carolina since 1985 (well, save for a brief and ill-advised move back to CA from 07/90 to 05/91.)
I was a licensed cosmetologist. Could be again if I pay a fine for the lapse, but given that I haven't worked in a salon since 1987 I don't really see the point. My family gets free haircuts either way.
I'm the eldest of five.
I do not have any tattoos and probably never will.
The worst job I ever had was being a film unit Production Assistant. I worked on two films and was treated like less than a human. It was very well worth the pain and humiliation I suffered though because 1)It made me mindful to be kind to every person I come in contact with and 2)I gained a lifelong friendship with the only person on set who was nice to me and I love him with all of my heart (smooch Johnny).
I think daffodils are beautiful.

7 Unspectacular Quirks:

I take meticulous care of my feet and sometimes paint little flowers on my toenails even though nobody sees them but me.
I will drive a mile out of my way to avoid making a left-hand turn onto a busy street.
I'm a little obsessed with recycling. I pick up bottles and cans whenever and wherever I see them and throw them in my trunk and pester coworkers (both mine and my son's) to save their recyclables for me. Oh, and the neighbors too -- I'm officially the wacky long-haired crunchy granola lady in Apt. B16.
I have a fetish for stain removal. You know that commercial for the "Tide to go" stain removal pen where the guy's lunch date is talking, but he can't hear a word he's saying because (in his mind) the stain on his shirt is talking over him, totally drowning him out? That's pretty much what it's like for me to see a stain. I think it stems from the fact that I spill on myself every time I eat and am always worried that I'm walking around with a big stain on my boob (which, let's face it, I probably am.)
I really hate it when Disc Jockeys talk over the end of the song. There's this one DJ on 107.9 here that does it so often I won't even listen while he's on the air anymore. Once he started yapping (nonsense at that) when there was, no kidding, still a full minute of Let's Get it On left, and I was totally singing along too and he ruined it!!! Don't they realize that the end is usually where the best vocals are? Argh, it drives me crazy. I know, I should get satellite radio, I've heard that 1,000 times.
I'm far from germaphobic, but I won't let my silverware touch the table and I insist on separate dishcloths for my dishes and counter tops.
I really hate to see people be mistreated. To me, there is no good excuse for being inconsiderate, dismissive, having bad manners or humiliating another person. When it happens in front of me, or to me, I get so upset that I have to fight back tears.

I'm not going to tag anybody...that's just not my style. If you're reading this and feel like doing it too, please do. And if not, cool.

Catching up...

2009-02-24T17:38:00.000-05:00

Hello everybody. It's been eleven days since I last posted. My silence hasn't been for lack of things to talk about; I've just been a very busy lady.

I have been teaching history to 6th graders from 7:45 until 2:45. I do have two one-hour long breaks during the day, but, save for a quick bathroom break or trip to the teachers' lounge to warm up my soup or tea, I am required to stay in my classroom. I do have internet access, but fun has to wait until the papers are all graded. Substitute teachers do not get paid enough to grade papers at home heh. After my day of teaching, I drive directly to the college so that I can then be a student. I get to experience life from both sides of the desk every day, which is great balance and very enlightening, but also very draining. Some days (not today, thankfully!) I have to leave directly from my college class to work at the group home (for behaviorally & emotionally handicapped adolescents.) Basically three jobs in one day! When I get home at night, I spend time with my son, call my mom & grandma, and check and answer email before retiring to my bedroom to do homework, meditate, and in between maybe I will write a short letter to a friend if I can.

I do not want my friends to think that I have forgotten about them or that I do not value them. One should always make time for the people that they care about, even if it is only a few minutes. Lately my communications have been limited to only response, returning phone calls and emails, and not or rarely initiating contact. That is not like me and I want to fix that. My friends mean the world to me and I should bestow upon them my time and affection as much as possible.

Since I do not have to work tonight and my son is not at home, I am going to spend the evening making phone calls and catching up on all of my favorite blogs. I read the most recent posts on one dear friend's blog today, but the word verification is freezing up and will not let me post comments. So maybe I will get a few things organized around here and then come back to Blogger a little later.

I'm really looking forward to Friday. School is closed for students and substitute teachers do not participate in teacher workdays. I made sure I was not scheduled at the group home and let my professors know that I would be absent. I am going to have a full day without work or school and I can hardly wait! Kyle (my son) and I are going to volunteer at the animal shelter in the morning and then go out to lunch. I have to take him to work after lunch and I will have the entire rest of the day to work on my crafts. It's been a while since I've been able to create and I am looking forward to completing my five handmade gifts for the Pay it Forward project. Johnny, R. Maria, Deepak, and Bhavesh are all receiving gifts (thank you for signing up!) and I still need one more person to sign up so I can complete my five. If you would like to be added, please email me at tantraflower@hotmail.com.

That is all for now, though I have so many thoughts in my head. Thank you for being here.

Sierpinski Valentine

2009-02-13T10:08:00.012-05:00

xkcd's Sierpinski Valentine

The first time I laid eyes on the Sierpinski Triangle I teared up. I don't know why and I don't know how to explain the feeling I had. Felicity comes to mind, but that isn't quite it. Maybe it's how it all made perfect sense, its beautiful pattern, and, of course, the predominance of the number three. I've attempted to analyze my reaction before so I know how this will go if I let myself go there. I'll ruminate for hours and I don't want it subject y'all to that.

Other things and thoughts about today...

Well I made it through the first of a six-week teaching assignment. Sixth grade history -- yay!!! That's not a sarcastic yay, by the way. History is one of my favorite subjects. Plus the kids have been very well behaved and seem to be very interested. And I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I told them they would only receive homework from me if it became apparent they weren't making the most of their classtime. ;)

I found the perfect toothbrush. Somehow the toothbrush that I keep in my ugly schoolteacher bag went missing and I had to buy another one on my lunch hour. I had a coupon for this Oral B Advantage with a built-in tongue cleaner, which was also on sale at Kroger so I grabbed it. There is no substituting my tongue scraper, but Oral B's tongue cleaner (located on the other side of the bristles) is still a cool feature because while you are brushing, the backside actually cleans the inside of your cheeks!!! Usually I just brush there gently with my bristles, but I sometimes worry that I'm going to scratch myself. Well now I don't have to worry. Plus the bristles are not too harsh for your gums. This new toothbrush is now in my bathroom and my other one is now in the ugly schoolteacher bag.

I'm just happy that my superstitions are limited to small things like knocking on wood to prevent bad luck and wanting a "bless you" when I sneeze. Many people walk on eggshells every Friday the 13th just waiting to have bad luck. Almost everybody I talked to today was freaking out and I felt so bad for them. What a terrible state to be in. I just would hug them and tell them that I wish them good luck today. There's nothing anybody can say or do to ease their anguish, it's ingrained in their psyches. I want to thank my parents for not passing that tradition along to me.

I'm not going to dread Valentine's Day this year. I decided. Even though the only companionship, laughter, flowers, chocolates, and orgasms I'll get will be that which I give to myself, I refuse to be sad. At least I have the end of those advertisements to look forward to. Y'all singletons know which ads I'm referring to, I'm sure. Anyway, I'm going to rent a totally unromantic movie, give myself a manicure and pedicure, and eat all of the old-fashioned popcorn I want. Maybe I'll make some into caramel corn. Yummy.

So long Blossom Dearie

2009-02-09T16:11:00.004-05:00

April 28, 1926 - February 7, 2009

I just heard the news this morning via my friend Alonso. Blossom Dearie dies at 82; jazz and cabaret singer (continue reading her L.A. Times obituary here) What a talent. She certainly left her mark.

Blossom Dearie - They Say It's Spring

TO LET GØ

2009-02-07T11:48:00.003-05:00

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off, It's the realization I can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not care for, but to care about.To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

courtesy of ZerØmind Zen Path (eta: this blog is non-English so I cannot read it and therefore I am not endorsing it in any way, though it seems to be a good blog. One would assume that any person who would feature "let go" in their sidebar is probably worth reading -- if you can. I really wish I could!)

So long James Whitmore

2009-02-06T21:46:00.005-05:00

James Whitmore
October 1, 1921 - February 6, 2009

"Versatile actor played Harry Truman, Will Rogers in one-man shows" read the MSNBC article here

I will remember him most for his touching performance as Brooks Hatlen in The Shawshank Redemption. I've seen that film about twenty times and I still cannot watch his final scene without a full box of tissues by my side. He was one of the greats.

25 Things...

2009-02-06T16:16:00.009-05:00

I don't usually do these things, but this one keeps getting sent to me via email, MySpace, Facebook, and then on my Live Journal...I figure that maybe it will be fun to do.

These facts may not be new to some of you, but, off the cuff, here are 25 random things about me:

My middle name is Marie.
But I was not named after Lisa Marie Presley -- I was born first. My name actually caused a small family feud. My Uncle Ted & Aunt Mick were also expecting a baby and planned to name her Lisa Marie. I was supposed to be named Whitney Nicole, because that is what my mother wanted but my father was horrified by the name Whitney (can't say i blame him -- terrible name!) Anyway, my mom was out cold for more than 24 hours after my birth and my dad snuck and named me Lisa Marie instead. Uncle Ted was FURIOUS. He named his daughter Regina Marie and did not communicate with my dad for months. Years if you don't count grunting, the evil eye, and the occasional "Hi" and "Bye" as communication.
I was born on St. Patrick's Day.
My DVD collection is alphabetized by director.
I am colorblind except for red and yellow.
I can execute a perfect Marvin the Martian vocal impersonation.
I cry every time I see somebody else crying (but the tears have to be real.) I also cry when I see a dead animal on the side of the road; especially deer and dogs.
My feelings about technology are mixed. On one hand the internet allows us to meet people we would never have had the opportunity to meet. On the other hand, text messages, email and social networking sites create the illusion of being connected with our real life friends and family all the while isolating us from one another.
I like to do things the old fashioned way like write handwritten letters, call my friends from my land-line telephone, give hand-made gifts, write thank you cards, and if you invite me to your house, I will show up with cupcakes (or wine or something...)
I keep forgetting that I have a cellphone. When it rings I almost have a heart attack.
I don't like loud noises, especially unexpected ones. I won't even set my alarm clock. Luckily I wake up the same time every morning all on my own.
I like to sew, but only non-clothing items like drapes, place mats, pillows and such.
I eat a cup of spinach steamed with garlic and drizzled with a teaspoon or so of extra-virgin olive oil every morning with my breakfast.
Actually there are several foods that I have to incorporate into my diet every single day or I just don't feel right: whole grain bread, bell pepper, onions, mushrooms, tomato (or V-8 juice when tomatoes aren't in season), banana, chocolate, hot tea at night, coffee in the morning and I always eat dessert after dinner...if I'm really full I'll just eat one bite, but I have to have it!
I brush my teeth six times per day. This may seem like a lot, but I eat five small meals per day and then I like to brush and floss just before bedtime. I turn the water off during.
I carry more useless knowledge around in my head than any person I know. None of my family or friends will play Trivial Pursuit with me anymore.
I've always had a strong sixth sense, I guess you could call it psychic. I just know things.
I prefer vinyl records and listen to them on this really huge Hi-Fi console that belonged to my grandfather.
I rarely buy anything unless it is on sale or I have a coupon for it or both!
I have a little crush on the guy that works at the convenience store by my house. It's just a little crush though -- I'd never actually date him.
I'm in love with a man who never talks to me except to email me to say that he's sorry for not talking to me.
I keep a diary and gratitude journal under my bed and write in them every night. For some reason I've kept this a secret from my family for years. I guess they'll discover it eventually.
I want to do this so bad.
I have OCD tendencies. If I can't make mathematical sense of something, if there isn't a pattern, it drives me nuts. The number 3 is a biggie. I like everything in sets of 3. Three just feels like a nice, balanced, even number. First of all, it is a prime number...and I will stop myself there except to say that writing 25 things is really going to bother me because three does not go into 25. I want to stop here because not only can 24 be divided by 3, but 2+4=6 which can also be divided by 3. But in spite of my OCDishness, I force myself to get past it and behave like a normal person.
I would love to be able to work from home. I'd live in the middle of nowhere in a cabin with solar panels and grow my own food. Some things have to be bought (like toilet paper and duct tape) but I'd make a trip to town once or twice a week for food and to meet friends for coffee or whatever. I mean I'm not a total hermit. I LOVE people. But I also love peace and quiet...

Holy Guacamole

2009-02-05T21:11:00.004-05:00

My brother Brian just called to tell me that my one-year-old niece (Destiny Madalynn) will be getting a new sister or brother! How exciting!!! My lovely sister-in-law, Becca, is 9 weeks along.

This will be Brian & Becca's second child and my 6th time becoming an aunt (all four of my siblings have at least one child.)

To think I used to be so sad that I could not have any more children, but in the past 3 1/2 years I have been blessed with all of these beautiful nieces and nephews to love!!! And the best part is that I get to spoil them and then give them back!!!

Remember...

2009-02-04T17:06:00.005-05:00

1. There are at least two people in this world
that you would die for.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you
is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,
even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you
before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. You are special and unique.

8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever,
something good comes from it.

10. When you think the world has
turned its back on you, take another look.

11. Always remember the compliments you received.
Forget about the rude remarks.

A longtime friend sent this to me in an email. Not that we don't already know these things, but it's nice to take a minute to think about it sometimes. Especially #9. - TF

epiphany

2009-01-30T11:16:00.017-05:00

Warning, this post contains more musings about my heart, a recurring theme here for months now, so I wouldn't blame you if you don't want to read on. I just need to let it all out.

I've been on the most amazing journey of self-discovery for the past few years since my divorce. Have come a a long way, still have so much further to go. Buddhism has been a huge help and comfort to me, especially the meditation and focus on service. What attracted me to the philosophy of Buddhism is its message of compassion, forgiveness, gratitude, humility, kindness, non-judgment and mindful living -- all traits and values that I admire so much in others and strive to achieve myself. The Noble Eightfold Path and avoiding the ten non-virtues are a point of focus for me and I do reap great rewards. Far from perfect, I try my best and I fail often, but I don't give up because I do truly believe that this is the path that will free each and every one of us from our suffering.

The concepts of emptiness and non-attachment have been difficult for me to grasp, however.

Attachment in and of itself is not bad I don't think. It is the unhealthy attachments that I need to free myself from, whether it is attachment to an idea, a distorted view, a fantasy, familiarity (especially familiar cycles), or people who do not value me...

What I've been dealing with most recently -- actually I've been dealing with it for my entire adult life but have only in the past few months really been putting effort into working through and getting past it -- is the false message that I received when I was younger that I was not lovable by the opposite sex. I've always felt that as soon as a man I like gets to know me that he will determine that I am NOT suitable for him (in other words: he won't think i'm good enough.) And it doesn't matter what anybody says to me or how wonderful my friends and family tell me I am. Cognitively I know that I am a good person. I'm able to reason and I can see that I have good qualities and that I am a loving, generous, and honest person. But in spite of this, I still have this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that any man that I love will not love me back. He may find me intriguing and/or attractive, but then once he talks to me he will then find me too weird, too different, too analytical, that my pendulum swings too far between introverted and extroverted, I'm too hippie-ish, too emotional, too talkative, the disparity between what I want to say and what actually comes out of my mouth can be a problem, maybe he'll be turned off by my curves or the fact that I'm a bigtime foodie, or turned off by my nerdiness (dorkiness or geekiness, if you will), he'll judge me because of my spirituality or because I'm a vegetarian or because I like to read and write porn or because whatever else, etc etc. etc. So I have this record that plays in my head every time I meet somebody that I think seems interesting that he is not going to like me and so I won't approach him or do anything to invite them to approach me. The exception being that if it seems that I am totally not his type than I will talk to him, but only as a friend and then I'll fall in love with him and secretly pine away then get my heart broken when he starts dating somebody who is his type and sulk because he won't step out of his comfort zone and give me a chance. I've created this all by myself, of course, and yet I'll feel like a victim. My feelings get all hurt, though it was I who set out to receive this validation of my self-doubts that men don't think that I'm good enough for them by choosing men who won't want me and not even noticing the ones that do.

How many people do that? It happens plenty. We're so afraid of experiencing the pain in our heart based on our certain preconceived notions, usually of not being lovable, and yet we set ourselves up and put ourselves in the position of having to experience the very hurt we're most terrified of over and over again. We tell ourselves stories and then manipulate everything in our life to validate and make ourselves right. It's like we'd rather say "see, I KNEW I was unlovable, not good enough, whatever" than to break out of the cycle and find ourselves pleasantly surprised by being proven wrong. Why do I always develop feelings for men who do not value me? Every time. It's like I have a radar that detects when a man is unwilling to connect with me on an emotional level and instead of finding that quality aversive, which any normal person should, I just seem to like them more. Every relationship I've ever had has consisted mainly of me loving them unconditionally and trying to be perfect and hoping that they too would one day love me the same way. And of course it never happened. How could it when I always chose men incapable of it? Since discovering this about myself I have genuinely tried to break this cycle and it is hard. I had become so frustrated that I started to feel tempted to just simply shut down and give up, surrender myself to the fact that I will never know what it feels like to love a man deeply and have him love me in return. Then I had the epiphany that all this was my creation.

A while back I was really frustrated with the online dating experience because it seemed that all of the men that I expressed an interest in were unresponsive. It's been my experience that when something that somebody else does bothers me, the thing to do is look inside myself because they are probably mirroring back to me a quality about myself that I do not like. This concept is not new to me at all, yet the fact that I was doing this very same thing myself managed to elude me until very recently. I've been asked out by really nice guys that I just wasn't feeling interested in and rather than waste their time and let them pay for my dinner when nothing would ever come of it, I would just say no. Or I would tell myself to give them a chance and go out with them but then not really be open to getting to know them because somewhere in the back of my mind I had already excluded them as a prospective relationship partner...then I would get irritated with them when they called me back for a second date or dared to try and hold my hand or flirt with me. Now in my defense I did have a few really bad dates that I had every right to not want to see that person again, but some of them were actually very nice men that I should have gotten to know.

Instead, what do I do? I went and, once again, fell in love with a man who has no interest in me at all. I fooled myself that I wasn't letting my feelings for this man keep me from living my life because I continued to date and look for someone to have a relationship with, but the truth is that I was only finding reasons to discount every prospect because I didn't like any of them as much as I liked this guy. And why did I even like him so much? Sure he is a wonderful person and we have so much in common (he's one of the few people who wouldn't think I'm weird because I smell my vinyl records before placing them on the turntable), but, and this is a BIG but, none of that matters because he does not want me. He made it clear to me MONTHS ago that he would never choose me (and without getting into that part, I understand why he feels this way.) So I should have just let it go. Instead I continued to keep in touch with him...even though it couldn't be more clear that if I just stopped I would never hear from him again. I would reach out and he would not reach back and then I'd feel hurt when I shouldn't be. I asked for it. He should be the frustrated one. What right did I have? I feel like I've been so inconsiderate and selfish when I should have been thinking more about his feelings. Loving somebody means having the utmost respect and compassion for them, yes? Both compassion and respect require putting yourself in the other person's shoes and giving them what you yourself would need, yes? Well if I knew that a man was in love with me and I could not love him back, would I want to keep hearing from him? The answer, of course, is probably not. Can you imagine how uncomfortable I made him feel? I have to stop this behavior, not just for his sake, but for myself as well. He will never hear from me again. I will miss him, but you know it's been a long time since he's shown desire to communicate with me so I've been missing him for a long time anyway. Backing off is the right thing for me to do. And I don't need to just back off from him, I need to make sure that I do not do this ever again.

I'm incapable of playing games in that I do not feign indifference if I really like somebody -- and I like that about myself -- allowing yourself to be somewhat vulnerable is a good thing, I think, and I don't mind being hurt sometimes. I do not like holding back letting people know when I am thinking of them. But there has to be balance. It's OK to reach out a hand and say "hey, I really think you're special and I want to love you", but if there is no reciprocation, no connection, no exchange of energy, it is best to accept it and leave the person alone. I do not consider my efforts up until today a waste because I was just acting from my heart, but now that I have finally internalized this epiphany I think if I were to send any more affection in his direction, it would be a total waste. And it's not like I have "X" amount of love and I'm afraid of wasting any -- I know I have an unlimited supply of love and affection to share -- but it would make me most happy to share this love and nurturing with those who need it most and want to receive it from me: my son, my family, my dear friends, my pets, my co-workers and the kids at the group home, the animals I care for at the shelter, the amazing women I'm getting to know while volunteering for the domestic violence center, anybody else I cross paths with during the day who needs their spirits lifted, and I will work to keep an open mind when approached by men. The important thing is that I ask myself if my love will be well received before I go throwing it around willy nilly. I only hope that the man who shall remain nameless will forgive me for all of the months that I've put him in such an uncomfortable position.

While practicing restraint is only treating one symptom of a much greater problem (fear, that "not good enough" voice), it is definitely a good place to start. In addition, I will continue to meditate and work to eradicate my unhealthy attachments and if not quiet at least learn to ignore that voice. As I've just celebrated (if you can call it that) four years of celibacy, right smack in the middle of what is supposed to be my sexual prime, I can tell you that I am more determined now than ever to end this hurtful cycle. I don't want to validate these old negative thoughts anymore. All of those quirky things about me will be endearing to somebody out there and, if I'm lucky enough, maybe I'll find somebody who even shares many of those quirks with me: I know in my head, I just want desperately to know it in my heart. It is my hope to find peace and free myself from this particular suffering soon so that I can allow myself to experience true happiness with a sweet man capable of requited love, whoever, wherever this man may be...

Of course I'll write all about it here. My apologies in advance. *blush*

Another update on Grandma

2009-01-20T14:37:00.004-05:00

I want to thank everybody for the emails of well wishes and prayers for my Grandma. The fluid in her lungs and the blood in her urine are all cleared up now. She was released from the hospital this afternoon, right in the middle of a rare snowstorm! Now the snow here is not bad at all, nothing compared to what my family and friends up north deal with, but since we don't get snow very often, our city is ill-equipped. There aren't enough plows to clear the roads. I'm snowed in here!!! My brother Brian picked Grandma up from the hospital and took her to lunch. She's home now and resting and we are all so happy to have her with us.

Thank you again y'all.

Update on Grandma

2009-01-19T11:51:00.002-05:00

My grandmother was admitted to the hospital again on Saturday. I didn't write about it here, well mainly because I didn't have time, but also it's just very upsetting. The fact that they put her in a room on the same floor as the Palliative Care Unit certainly didn't do much to reassure us.

She has fluid on her lungs again; a typical recurring symptom of congestive heart failure.

The doctor had expected to be able to release her today and now comes the news that they found blood in her urine this morning. Usually this means an infection that can be treated, but nothing can be taken for granted with somebody in her condition.

I am on my way to the hospital now.